To think parents are more responsible for the relationship with an adult child?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My oldest dd is 24 and our relationship is a bit strained. She was living away for university and is now back living at home with dd2 (22, also back home post graduation) and dd3 (18).

Dd1 has become quite distant and uncommunicative. She goes in and out to work without even a hello or goodbye. She is quite likely autistic but hasn’t as of yet looked into a diagnosis. If her behaviour is a result of possible autism, that’s absolutely fine but I’m worried.

A few months ago she was upset at the actions of Dh and I. We had booked a ballet performance for me, Dh and dd3 and didn’t ask her. She was very hurt and upset about this. I felt bad and sincerely apologised to her. Since then, there’s been a few other things that have upset her and I seem to be walking on eggshells a bit.

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who blamed both me and my sister for everything, and didn’t do much for nurturing the relationship. Maybe this has clouded my view but I always thought when I became a parent that the relationship with your child is paramount and it’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain it.

Dd2 also claims that her older sister is hard to live with saying she is passive aggressive, never apologises and seems to care only about our cat.

I feel so disconnected from dd1 and don’t know how to get it back.

Is it all my responsibility or do adult dc also have a part to play in their relationship with their parents? I keep reading about people going NC with their parents, they must have good reasons for this and I want to be the best parent I can be.

I think the relationship with adult DC should be a two way street yes. I'm not one for thinking parents need to run rings around themselves trying to please and appease in the hopes of being honoured with basic manners. However, I do think its reasonable to remember that as parents we've generally got more experience at navigating interpersonal relationships and can draw on that, as well as our other extra resourses, and put some extra effort in to make it work.
I'd invite DD1 to do some things with just you, based aroundhere own interests and see if you can rebuild your connection. In smaller ways, I'd instigate conversation with her. When she came in I'd call 'Hi DD, how was your day?'. So making the first move, but not chasing.

Ah so dd3 says dd1 is being mean and bullying her so she must be. Do you ask dd1 how she feels and how she sees her sisters behaviour towards her?

DD2 also says that older DD is difficult to live with, so maybe she's not the easiest housemate. But DD3 sounds like a nightmare and maybe DD1 has had a lifetime of bullying from her and had enough? It's hard to know without having observed the dynamics over time.

Your children are adults now though, OP. I'd be laying down the law about how things are going to be in my home if they are going to live there. I know I'm not prepared to have adult DC at home who make my life difficult.

Can I ask if your mother’s enabling of your sister has hindered her growth? Eg lack of accountability, struggles in personal relationships or at work etc? And whether your mum continues to walk on eggshells now? The reason I ask is because this seems to be the case with a lot of people I’ve met where the dynamic was similar at home (enabling parent and controlling child)

She says she just doesn’t care any more. Which I can’t work out if she means it or if she’s trying to protect herself emotionally. They used to be very close and had shared interests of dance and our cat.

@5128gap we do try and do this but dd1 is quite aloof and gives monosyllabic answers. Which is understandable if this is down to autism and her social battery being low after work.

You obviously have a 24 year old baby. As adults they should be able to reconcile differences but they are not mature enough to do it.

I would also say DD1 has come home so it cannot be that bad. She didn’t get a job away from home did she? It’s a shame in a way she hadn’t grasped that having been to university that she needed to move on and live away from home. This leads me to think she’s not got friends. What about friends at home?

These dc do seem to have a lovely home and then upset everyone in it. Difficult to turn them out but they need to realise that just existing with dc and arguing with each other is immature and needs to stop. So a family discussion about plans and behaviours I think.

In this instance I'd say, look, you are all adults. Please stop involving me in your light switch wars. I wasn't even there, so I'm not that interested.

You don't need to hear the side of any story! It sounds like you are the audience to a lot of the drama.

Although you are looking for connection, perhaps it's time to detach a bit from the walking on eggshells. By trying to please everybody, sounds like you're pleasing no one. So give yourself permission to take a break from peace talks for a couple of days and be busy with your own things.

@goldtrap re the light switch thing - on the face of it, it seems like a petty childish squabble. But dd3 has this way of arguing her point, convincing me it WAS bullying (ie doing something to deliberately upset the othrr person), don’t I care, suppose someone else was bullying dd3, wouldn’t I care etc etc

Have you suggested that both DD1 and DD2 move out and start living with friends?
It is difficult to come back to live with parents.
Your older daughters might enjoy some independence, either together or with separate groups of friends.

If you have the funds, you could help them save for deposits for their own flats.
You could also suggest that they meet with a career advisor to assist with their plans to be successful and create wealth and security for themselves.

Your eighteen year old is still living at homeand is more your parental responsibility.
It is a positive thing when your adult children don't need you so much and you become more like supportive older friends.

Sure. But the point is, you weren't there. And she has a way of arguing her point because you are listening to it. If you give oxygen to all 'bullying' incidents, then is everything 'bullying'? It sounds like it would be helpful - for both of you - to detach for a bit! Is there another parent in the house? Would she message her dad about lightswitch-gate? If not, why not?

You suspect your oldest daughter has autism, your youngest daughter does have autism, how come you only sought assessment for one of them? Is it a case that the diagnosis of the youngest only made you realise traits in your oldest once she was already an adult, or is this due to favouritism and so the youngest was once again seen as a priority over the oldest?

They’re both adults, if one called me about a light switch when I was away I would tell them to grow up and start acting like adults.

I know your DD3 sees it as bullying but isn't your older DD allowed to turn a light off if she wants to? Be honest Op, have you accommodated your DD3 over her sisters so much that now she's used to her own way so sees any attempt by your older girls to do as they want as bullying?
My DB had MH problems and I got used to my DM putting him first but it made living with him difficult, I left by 22 to get away from it.

This, is dd1 in the house and can see/hear all the attention and oxygen give to dd3 re this?
No wonder she withdraws.

Ok to play devil’s advocate then, if an (adult) child WAS actually being bullied either by a sibling or someone else, how would you deal with that?

Dd2 is very independent and has really outgrown living at home. But she’s saving up to go travelling and can only do that by living at home. She wants to go to Australia next year, not sure of her plans after that.

Dd1 is a trained dancer and hoping to break into the field which isn’t easy. She’s working hard at 2 jobs and is about to start an intensive professional course. She’s always been quite quiet and shy, she does have friends (recently went to Japan with school friends) but not a big social circle. I dont want to push her out of home until the time is right as I think that would be damaging. This is her home and she is entitled to stay here.

@goldtrap no she wouldn’t talk to Dh unless I wasn’t around. I’m her safe person and she relies on me for emotional support. I don’t think that’s uncommon for mums to be the one providing this. Dd2 is close to both me and Dh, but it’s me she comes to for emotional support when needed.

Autism wasn’t on the radar at all until dd3 was 11 and we noticed traits. Dd3 hates the diagnosis and has always, and still does, denies it. As we learnt more, we noticed traits in dd1 (and actually also in myself and Dh). I don’t think dd1 wants to seek a diagnosis currently but if she did we would of course support that (and pay for her to go private if she wants). Dd2 probably also has some neurodiversity which she is looking into.

As above, don't give it oxygen. Do you really think a disagreement about lightswitches is bullying?
Why is it only bullying to dd3 then? Is she not also bullying dd1 for wanting the opposite on/off position then?

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp I was asking a hypothetical question, not about the light switches. How would you deal with an actual bullying situation of an adult child?

I would ask them, as adults, to sort it out themselves.
I would not referee adult children.
How ridiculous to have to hear bickering from grown children.
I would send them both out of my house or room and insist that they behave like respectful adults in my home.

If their bullying was upsetting the household continually, I would book them in for counselling. I would pay for the first session and ask them to pay for the rest until they can live with civility at home or work out another solution.

These are life skills that all adults need to share a home with a partner, friends etc. so you are doing them a service to practise working things out respectfully.

If one of my adult kids were to be violent, or breaking the law etc at home and bullying the household seriously then I would ask them to leave.

In your case, the disagreements seem petty.

OP - read up on 'Glass Child Syndrome'.

DS1 had it to some extent because DS2 had autism and many physical issues that had him in and out of hospital for years. Luckily I spotted it and did my best to sort it out but even taking DS1 away on holiday just the two of us, or taking him out for breakfast or even helping him when he got into a crisis didn't seem to offset the imbalance of our attention. It only really seemed to resolve when DH and I spent two weeks solidly helping DS1 with something he needed. 24/7 100% focused on him. He sort of thawed out after that, as he seemed to finally realise that we loved him as much as his brother and were willing to devote as much time to him. It's very hard to overcome.

I agree with this. Yes you hope they pay you respect and make an effort in the relationship. However, your DD is still fairly young and needs nurturing and a solid rock in a mother at the moment. Obviously while among it clear where boundaries lie.

Different if she was 40.

Reading this I wish you were my mum. I was always made to feel I owed her and let her down if I wasn’t highly attentive. Which, on top a rocky childhood, has been very damaging. You are putting the effort in now to be kind and I hope it pays off.

Depends what you perceive to be bullying. The light switches no. Shunning and ignoring a family member Because they won't dance to your tune? Yes.
But they're adults who need to sort it, not getting mummy to fight their battles.

My sister did this when we were growing up my mother always believed her so I stopped going to her and going to my dad because he would actually listen to me.

My sister expected to have the same privileges as me and my mother spoiled her and raised her to be her best friend.

My dad openly admits that my sister was a bully and instigator but like too many parents just considered it a bit of sibling rivalry and I needed to make her respect me. It came to a single physical fight between her and I as adults when I came back to live with my parents to help them care for our elderly grandparents after she went off to uni. She assumes because she had always gotten her way, she could still get it and bully me and being bigger than me meant she could kick my arse if I didn’t. She found out fast and hard that was not the case and went crying, shouting she could not stand me and ran to our mother after I defended myself, fight lasted less than 10 seconds.

Our parents argued over it, told my mother she always took my sister’s side so why would I try to come to her, also pointed out sister chose to come to where I was sleeping when there was another room she could watch tv in. Can’t remember what they said in the end but I went back to sleep and she went to the room she should have gone to in the first place.

We both only talk to each other if necessary. Our dad tries and sometimes our mother now that we both have children (daughters are six months apart) but we are both in agreement that we’re content with our lack of relationship. Honestly, if we weren’t born in the same family, we would have never been in the same circles, friends, acquaintances, or even neighbours etc. We are extreme opposites with the only thing in common being our parents and that’s ok.

Once siblings become adults, it is up to them how they manage their relationship and the parents not to intervene unless necessary. A light switch is not one of those things and taking DD3’s side because she made the much noise was unnecessary and unhelpful.

You also know that DD3 doesn’t get on with DD1 and DD1 is working 2 jobs, going to start an intensive course and is shy so how would DD1 actually be bullying DD3?

How would DD1 have the time to be a bully?

Dd3 hates the diagnosis and has always, and still does, denies it.
And yet....the only one in the family who everyone 'officially' recognises as autistic. And yet ...she's telling you she hates it.....

I mean there is a lot to unpick in your posts and obviously only snapshots, but I think you are so enmeshed it's difficult for you to be objective.

I’m her safe person and she relies on me for emotional support. I don’t think that’s uncommon for mums to be the one providing this.
Weeeell, yes and no..... sounds like you are the repository for all her perceived slights. And you can't get good at something unless you practise it. You are the habit. Try stepping back a bit. Try saying, that's interesting, why don't you ask Dad? Try saying, you know what, I'm just dashing out, but dad is here. Get her dad to start a dialogue - message her/send a pic of the silly cat/what do you want for tea/fancy a McDonald's? (Does he do that? With all of them?)