Absolutely FUMING with ex MIL

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have an 8 year old ASD DS and split up with their dad when DS was 2.

For a bit of backstory - my ex MIL had always been an absolute nightmare, constantly going over boundaries and being horribly verbally abusive to me in the past. For the sake of DS, over the last couple of years, we have became "civil" to each other when we see one another.

Since my ex husband moved out around 6 months ago from ex MIL house, she has been obsessed with having DS at her house. Which I didn't mind until the lack of routine between 3 houses (mine, his dads and granny's) was having a negative effect on his behaviour.

Recently, getting fed up of DS arriving back to me in horrible form and displaying bad behaviour (he needs routine as part of his ASD), I told his granny that stays at her house will not be as frequent, with school starting soon and that moving forward, DS wont be staying there on a school night, but he can stay at her house for one night at the weekend, if she would like.

Ex MIL seems to have taken this badly and using now anything she can to see DS.

His dad collected him today after work for a few hours before dropping him back for dinner. He said his mum had PHONED OUR GP AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR MY DS WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE.

Apparently, its for his "allergies" which he already takes Benardyl for which WORKS. And for the fact he cant do his poos properly (he refuses to go unless its in his granny's toilet, some weird OCD thing) which is currently acknowledged by his ASD support team and we are working through coping strategies etc with him. I have already been told there is nothing GP can do for this as the psychological mindset is part of his ASD care team.

What steps do I take now?

Call the GP surgery and tell them only a parent can make an appointment moving forward?

Do I remove all access to toxic ex MIL until she learns some boundaries? (Hard to do when DS dad will just ignore that anyway)

I am LIVID.

Has your dp got parental responsibility?

I would stop stays all together, mil can see your son in your exs time.

Do you mean DS dad? He is my ex husband so not my DP but yes, he has parental responsibility as well. Our split is about 70/30 to me in terms of care.

DS dad wasnt informed about this beforehand from his mum either.

I think this is what it will need to come to. I dont want any contact at all with ex MIL.

Id just send her a text saying going forward its best she arranges with your ex in his time with DS to see your DS due to getting him into a good routine which is needed with his autism.
and then block & ignore her.

Are you facilitating her having custodial time? If so, stop that. She can see your child on his dad's custodial time only. That's the future, period, not her taking your son on your time. You've enabled her overreaching and thinking she's a third parent. A 3 way custody split, which it sounds like you've basically had since ex left, is not in his best interests.

Password protect your son's medical files. You'll have to speak with the office and explain a non custodial person is trying to make appointments and get information.

Any time with MIL should come out of your EXH’s time. Thats just straightforward - he doesn’t have three parents.

Surely she can’t make GP appointments, she’s not a parent!

This is what I’d do. Immediately.

You stop her in her tracks now, and be very firm also with your GP Surgery. It’s bizarre they allowed a grandparent to make an appointment in the first place tbh.

Speak to the surgery. Cancel the appointment if it hasn't happened. Remind them that only you and his df have parental responsibility and that they should not take instruction from.anyone else. It will be difficult for them to prevent her booking an appointment perhaps but they should absolutely not share his records or take anything from her if she gets to the appt.

And yes ditch the third parent custody that is not helping your boy at all - and God knows what shes saying to him.about you or his dad which is also likely to be not helping. Make sure his asd team are aware she is an issue.

If you are all civil could you arrange a meeting for the 3 of you to talk through things whilst putting DS first and his needs above anyone else’s.

Any time that he spends at granny’s should come out of ex h’s time.

I am not sure how legally things work - but am I right in thinking that if ex h is OK with granny having DS on his time then you have no say? Someone might be better at knowing that than me

Yes, I thought it was bizarre also without contacting parents to approve it.

My ex husband just goes along with it also with his mum (despite them always falling out etc). He picked up DS and casually mentioned it as he was walking out the gate with him.

Apparently, he is going with ex MIL and also ex husband's long term girlfriend is attending as well?

Theres nothing bloody "wrong" with the child. You would think it was a serious life threatening appointment.

I am just bewildered at this point.

I have made it clear DS dad is to bring him home straight after for dinner.

All of this and perhaps contact his school also, so that she doesn’t get any sort of foot in the door there. Mad sod, whatever was she thinking?

Yes, I think its all OK as long as DS dad approves, and its on his visitation time, and there is no risk to the child.

About 3 years ago now, I filed a non molestation order for me against ex MIL as police had to be called when she got verbally abusive outside her house and blocked me out of my own car, refusing to let me drive off.

After that, DS wasn't allowed to stay overnight in her house for 1 year.

As time has moved on, I have tried my best to build a civil relationship with ex MIL whilst my ex husband was still living there (which has been extremely challenging, to say the least).

Thing is they never ask who’s calling or who’s making the appointment when you phone the GP, don’t don’t really see a way around that as how will they know if it’s a parent or not making the booking? It could be anyone. Reception won’t have a clue. They never ask who’s calling when I book appointments for mine.

His granny had a very distinct accent as she is Brazilian.

I very much have a local accent to my area.

She has over stepped the mark for sure. I’d stop him going on your time. Will he use your toilet? You don’t mean he will only poop in granny’s toilet full stop do you? As that complicates things.

@ellie09 why the hell did you give mil access to your son in the first place????

I can't stop DS seeing his granny when he was with his dad (until 6 months ago, his dad lived with his granny) and DS also adores his granny, so I wanted them to have the best relationship that I could accommodate.

Maybe I have just been too nice.

Cancel the GP appointment and make it clear to the surgery that only you and your Ex-husband may make appointments.

Then you need to sit down with him and discuss the whole situation with your MIL overstepping boundaries. I hope you can come to an amicable agreement.

Edit: I don’t think you can stop your MIL from seeing your child on HIS 30% but there is no need to let her see him during your 70%. Though you could insist that HE facilitates these visits. However, I’d try to resolve this amicably.

Considering you had to get a restraining order against her only 3 years ago for what would be considered a criminal act where I am, then you swung all the way to facilitating her having a lot of contact on your time and playing 3rd parent, yeah, you were way too nice. Rethink enabling others when it comes to your son.

Your ex has visitation, she sees him then. No more of her cutting into your time. You're trying to establish routines and she's disruptive to that.

Ring up and cancel that appointment and put a note on the system to ensure they don't do this again.

Wtaf, who does she think she is??

If your ds will include poo at your MIL s it would be cruel to stop him seeing her.

If he will only pooh in Granny's toilet how will he manage time at Granny's being stopped? Could the behaviour be because he is constipated/impacted due to less time at Granny's rather than going between 3 houses?

I am following what ASD team have advised I do with DS. Not to disrupt any preplanned routines to allow him to poo in his granny's toilet, but we need to make adjustments at home etc to try and encourage movements in mine and his DF house too.

He only likes his granny's toilet because she got a new one recently.

He is very germphobic, as is his granny, and I am starting to think it isn't the beat influence on him now.

Get a new toilet, @ellie09 - it’ll be worth it.