Absolutely FUMING with ex MIL

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have an 8 year old ASD DS and split up with their dad when DS was 2.

For a bit of backstory - my ex MIL had always been an absolute nightmare, constantly going over boundaries and being horribly verbally abusive to me in the past. For the sake of DS, over the last couple of years, we have became "civil" to each other when we see one another.

Since my ex husband moved out around 6 months ago from ex MIL house, she has been obsessed with having DS at her house. Which I didn't mind until the lack of routine between 3 houses (mine, his dads and granny's) was having a negative effect on his behaviour.

Recently, getting fed up of DS arriving back to me in horrible form and displaying bad behaviour (he needs routine as part of his ASD), I told his granny that stays at her house will not be as frequent, with school starting soon and that moving forward, DS wont be staying there on a school night, but he can stay at her house for one night at the weekend, if she would like.

Ex MIL seems to have taken this badly and using now anything she can to see DS.

His dad collected him today after work for a few hours before dropping him back for dinner. He said his mum had PHONED OUR GP AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR MY DS WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE.

Apparently, its for his "allergies" which he already takes Benardyl for which WORKS. And for the fact he cant do his poos properly (he refuses to go unless its in his granny's toilet, some weird OCD thing) which is currently acknowledged by his ASD support team and we are working through coping strategies etc with him. I have already been told there is nothing GP can do for this as the psychological mindset is part of his ASD care team.

What steps do I take now?

Call the GP surgery and tell them only a parent can make an appointment moving forward?

Do I remove all access to toxic ex MIL until she learns some boundaries? (Hard to do when DS dad will just ignore that anyway)

I am LIVID.

Stop sleepovers on your time (unless helpful to you) and she can see him on your exes time. Write to gp asking only parents can make appointments. See my post ‘aibu to reduce contact with ex mil’ I do not ever see her now, I get an occasional merry Xmas text, and life is so much more peaceful.

Firstly, she didn’t bypass a parent, she bypassed op, not the df.
Secondly, the whole story does not make sense. I still don’t understand the issue with the pooing. How can the child only go at granny’s? What does he do the rest of the time.
Of course we only ever hear one side of the story, but even stories on MN usually make some kind of sense.

YANBU. She has massively overstepped the line. I’d be furious too

I certainly hope that child is alright. From the comments on here I am quite concerned. As presumably is the grandmother.
There have been cases in the past where relatives have been concerned about children and been ignored, only for the situation to end in tragedy.

Christ it sounds like ex MIL has put the idea of only pooping in her loo as a way of manipulating visits. You can’t stop him going there …
Could you go toilet shopping with your son and let him choose a new toilet for your house… or get disposable toilet covers ? Or let him see you clean your toilet so he can use it?…..
my DD became constipated after refusing to use the toilet on holiday - she was put on meds which basically made it impossible to ‘hold it in’… we got books from the library which made pooing normal and we used to wave off the poop 😂
Shes 14 now and is still a huge germaphobe… I still have to clean toilets when we go away !

IMO, I couldn't trust anyone who exhibited controlling, manipulative, obssessive behavior and would definitely not allow them to influence my kids. Or possibly instill the belief that only her toilet was safe to use. Who knows what she did to start that behavior bc it is highly suspect in my mind.

Your ex-husband was kind and honest enough to alert you to her intrusive machinations regarding your child. If he trusted his mother's intentions would he have told you abt her plans?

Your kid's emotional, psychological and physical well being are your responsibility, not granny's. Children should always come first bc of their vulnerabilities and impressionable minds. Especially ASD kids. Granny can voice her concerns to you, but you are to make the decisions.

I had an evil mother-in-law too, so I understand. Too bad your MIL cant show deference and respect you as the child's parent; as you know best what your child needs or doesnt need. Good, loving help would be appreciated.

Ppl don't miraculously change bc you read them the rites. If it is possible, hire a caregiver who is trained in ASD so your child can grow and learn better in a peaceful calm manner at home, without an interference or the questionable tutelage of an Inlaw you can't quite trust (bc she has given proof that she doesnt need your advice on important matters.)