Absolutely FUMING with ex MIL

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have an 8 year old ASD DS and split up with their dad when DS was 2.

For a bit of backstory - my ex MIL had always been an absolute nightmare, constantly going over boundaries and being horribly verbally abusive to me in the past. For the sake of DS, over the last couple of years, we have became "civil" to each other when we see one another.

Since my ex husband moved out around 6 months ago from ex MIL house, she has been obsessed with having DS at her house. Which I didn't mind until the lack of routine between 3 houses (mine, his dads and granny's) was having a negative effect on his behaviour.

Recently, getting fed up of DS arriving back to me in horrible form and displaying bad behaviour (he needs routine as part of his ASD), I told his granny that stays at her house will not be as frequent, with school starting soon and that moving forward, DS wont be staying there on a school night, but he can stay at her house for one night at the weekend, if she would like.

Ex MIL seems to have taken this badly and using now anything she can to see DS.

His dad collected him today after work for a few hours before dropping him back for dinner. He said his mum had PHONED OUR GP AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR MY DS WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE.

Apparently, its for his "allergies" which he already takes Benardyl for which WORKS. And for the fact he cant do his poos properly (he refuses to go unless its in his granny's toilet, some weird OCD thing) which is currently acknowledged by his ASD support team and we are working through coping strategies etc with him. I have already been told there is nothing GP can do for this as the psychological mindset is part of his ASD care team.

What steps do I take now?

Call the GP surgery and tell them only a parent can make an appointment moving forward?

Do I remove all access to toxic ex MIL until she learns some boundaries? (Hard to do when DS dad will just ignore that anyway)

I am LIVID.

You can set up a password at my gp surgery for making appointments.

I would also set up a password at the school as well.

Is your ex likely to try and make appointments with either? If not then he doesn't need to know.

She has massively overstepped, but that's probably because she has almost been treated like a 3rd parent.

Now your ex isn't living with her you need to be a lot tougher with your boundries with her, she isn't an equal wrt to your son, even if she thinks she is. It's up to your ex to facilitate contact.

Has the appointment already happened?

Contact the GP and explain the situation. That someone is trying to book appointments for your child for no reason against your consent. That they have no authority to do so. So are essentially trying to waste NHS resources.

Ask that you agree a code word which must be stated when anyone calls or contacts them for an appointment for your child, or anyone in your family. That will at least stop it from that perspective.

Obviously tell her that your child will not attend medical appointments she has booked and you have warned the GP about her behaviour.

Your ex needs to tell her to back the fuck off.

She doesn't have Parental Responsibility and it wasn't emergency treatment.

Tell the GP that she does not have authority to make appointments or consent to treatment, get a new toilet installed and keep your DS away from her; any time away from you is for him to see his father, not to be given to his GM in addition. If his father wishes for him to see her, that's his decision out of his time.

His father can deal with the fallout/manage any contact and if it gets directed at you, straight back to a Prohibited Steps order.

Agree- the GP surgery need to be told. Ask for a note to be added to his file. Ask if there’s any sort of text confirmation service so you can call back and cancel to avoid a wasted appointment if she does it again. (Present it as you saving the GP having a “no show”)

All granny visits are down to dad to arrange in dad’s time. Not your problem, refuse to engage.

I would consider a new loo as well.

Go buy him a magic toilet seat. I did for one son. He loved it

"SG Traders Toilet Seat with Soft Close Wooden Seat Cover with Zinc Alloy Hinges | eBay UK" https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/353892182051?var=0&mkevt=1&mkcid=1&mkrid=710-53481-19255-0&campid=5338268676&toolid=10044&ff=11&gbraid=0AAAAADA7Q_Kujx40bHWEHsfRXbDR4Etw4&loc_physical_ms=1007423&adtype=pla&customid=Cj0KCQjwnovFBhDnARIsAO4V7mBU8spBhuvyGs0mKj4QsYMOuc4IW4UFc2Ouslpar-FZl8cF_KtlhXsaAnXSEALw_wcB&gclid=Cj0KCQjwnovFBhDnARIsAO4V7mBU8spBhuvyGs0mKj4QsYMOuc4IW4UFc2Ouslpar-FZl8cF_KtlhXsaAnXSEALw_wcB

Did the asd team who advised you to keep using her toilet know about how abusive and controlling she is?
If so I doubt they would have said to continue.
As a parent to a asd child this entire situation sounds so messed up.
How can you have a routine when its spread over 3 homes.
He needs to use your toilet.
And you need to make it clear she cannot make gp appointments. You cant have 3 different people getting different tests/prescriptions advice and so on. Especially when you cant trust her.
This system is far to chaotic.
I cant believe you have let it get this far.
And you ex h sounds just as bad. He sounds like he puts his mum wants above his child's needs .

Re GP appt. Ex MiL definitely overstepped the mark and I would also be fuming.
However, I have occasionally made GP appointments for my dgc but ONLY at their dm’s request or agreement if something cropped up whilst I was grannying.

so have I got this correct

your ex is going to the doctors appointment that your ex MIL has made behind your back for your child.

This appointment is to discuss his allergies and his bowel habits?

Then your ex will be at the appointment and will afterwards tell you what was said?

Do you have the NHS app and have access to the written notes for your dc appointments? If so you'll be able to log on and see the notes from the appointment.

If you don't have the app do get it for yourself and dc, its really handy for all sorts of reason.

Do you think the MIL has a bee in her bonnet about this stuff and the doctor might explain to her whats happening and what should happen? Might it be better coming from the doctor about the bowel habits and that he doesn't have allergies?

Yes, do both of those things.

But then the poor OP won't have free overnight babysitting on the Friday or Saturday night!

Urgh its a tough one

First get onto GP and make sure that there's a note on file that only mum or dad can make appointments and cancel the one she set up.

If you think its beneficial for dc to stay with granny one night a week Id go with Friday or saturday.

As someone who had a bit of a toxic granny - she was amazing to me but nasty to my mum (didnt realise this until got older around 14) if you think dc is ok then I would continue to let him stay overnight once a week with the proviso that she does anything like this again the visits stop

At school only parents/ legal guardians can state who is contacted by the school.
The school will not contact anyone who is not on that list. If a grandparent phoned up to discuss anything, they would be directed to the parents.
No one can collect a child if they are not on the contact list. I am very surprised a GP practice does not also have strict rules in place.

and do the same with the school.

Why would you say something like this when OP has already said she has custody 70% of the time and after MiL was abusive the child wasn’t allowed to stay overnight for a year ? This isn’t about ‘free nights’ it’s clear OP is doing her best for her child.

TBH

you could just cancel the appointment - tell ex you can't make that dy and have cancelled the appointment.

Not a lot anyone can do is there?

Maybe it would help if he cleaned the toilet at your house?

I would suggest that you give it a quick once-over first though so he can see that it's not visibly dirty in order to avoid feeding his OCD. He could have his own marigolds to use, clean with anti-bac wipes & then clean the bowl etc to his satisfaction.

Or, if have 2 toilets in your house, keep one just for his use with a sign on the door saying something along the lines of 'Toilet for the exclusive use of <name>' You could point out that, unlike at Granny's house, he has his own exclusive toilet.

Apparently Kenneth Williams never allowed visitors to use his lavatory as he had an OCD about it.

Agreed!

Not only that, he could help to choose it.

You need to establish some robust boundaries.

You are entitled to stop trying to be civil as she can't behave appropriately. Advise the GP and school etc that she is not authorised to discuss your DS.

youve swung from one way right to the other-its not up to her to make appts

buy a new toilet do anything to stop this carrying on-shes trying to take over

You contact your child’s doctor and tell them that only you or the child’s father can make medical appointments.

You see a lawyer and get Court orders drawn up so that both you and your ex have equal parenting time or you have primary custody.

You attend mediation with your ex so that he understands what he is doing is harmful.

Your son has ASD and needs structure and routine. The toilet issue is something that demonstrates this arrangement is harmful to your son. This would be too much for a normal kid to handle and it never should have been allowed to occur.

You should give your child an osmotic laxative drink so that he will poop in your toilet. He’s holding it in.

Look at the user name and just ignore it. At least they are nice enough to flag what they are doing.

She has massively overstepped but I don't know why you would have taken so many steps to facilitate contact with her when you have so many issues with her behaviour. You can't have it both ways unfortunately you will need to lose the babysitting on the weekend if you want to set boundaries. It sounds almost like there's been an odd 3 parent set up I don't know many grandparents who would think it was ok to book doctors appointments

As others have said - get yourself a new toilet! Worth every penny at this stage surely?!