Absolutely FUMING with ex MIL

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have an 8 year old ASD DS and split up with their dad when DS was 2.

For a bit of backstory - my ex MIL had always been an absolute nightmare, constantly going over boundaries and being horribly verbally abusive to me in the past. For the sake of DS, over the last couple of years, we have became "civil" to each other when we see one another.

Since my ex husband moved out around 6 months ago from ex MIL house, she has been obsessed with having DS at her house. Which I didn't mind until the lack of routine between 3 houses (mine, his dads and granny's) was having a negative effect on his behaviour.

Recently, getting fed up of DS arriving back to me in horrible form and displaying bad behaviour (he needs routine as part of his ASD), I told his granny that stays at her house will not be as frequent, with school starting soon and that moving forward, DS wont be staying there on a school night, but he can stay at her house for one night at the weekend, if she would like.

Ex MIL seems to have taken this badly and using now anything she can to see DS.

His dad collected him today after work for a few hours before dropping him back for dinner. He said his mum had PHONED OUR GP AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR MY DS WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE.

Apparently, its for his "allergies" which he already takes Benardyl for which WORKS. And for the fact he cant do his poos properly (he refuses to go unless its in his granny's toilet, some weird OCD thing) which is currently acknowledged by his ASD support team and we are working through coping strategies etc with him. I have already been told there is nothing GP can do for this as the psychological mindset is part of his ASD care team.

What steps do I take now?

Call the GP surgery and tell them only a parent can make an appointment moving forward?

Do I remove all access to toxic ex MIL until she learns some boundaries? (Hard to do when DS dad will just ignore that anyway)

I am LIVID.

New toilet in your home, and if possible if you have more than one, one just for his exclusive use. Or those paper toilet seat covers for each time, which has a bonus point that they are portable for use outside your home? I'm sure you've tried these ideas,; the toilet seat covers worked for us, hence the suggestion!

It's very easy for surgeries, schools etc to put a flag on the electronic file, so each time the records are opened the computer will display a warning screen that has to be acknowledged before you can move on. The staff would be notified to ask for a codeword before booking an appointment. OP could say for when anyone calls, or just if a female calls.

This 100% Also contact the medical centre and state say this has happened without your permission. They are not allowed to see a child without their parent present. However, given her actions here I would raise your concerns and ask this to be flagged as a potential safeguarding concern

Therein lies the problem. Brazil has a completely different mindset and good luck with dealing with it. Break off all communication with her.

I agree with this I would get a new toilet so he can feel comfortable in his own house and work on him being able to go elsewhere

Ring the surgery, ex0lain that your child has an appointment booked. Find out the date and time and turn up too. They cannot refuse you entry with you child.

Also find out from the surgery how they do the electronic system and set it up so that it messages YOU when an appointment is booked for your child.

The child doesn’t need an appointment as his issues are being treated so OP should cancel it.

A granny who is toxic is one who gives no shits about their grandchild, I reckon. This one clearly cares about him, but is confusing being a granny with being his mum. Annoying admittedly.

take some time to calm down then work out exactly how to handle this. Totally agree the GP needs you or ex to make appointments, not granny. Dies the ASD team have direct contact with granny?

Your MIL technically can only see a GP or a doctor with their parents. You are supposed to give permission for a relative to bring a child in as they can’t consent. You should get the surgery to say they can only be seen with a parent unless it’s an emergency. Ongoing health issues are not an emergency.

But then DS will only poo once a week, when he is at gran's - is that what you are saying??

Its fairly odd she managed to get an appointment, but does the dad object. If not, she has his consent.

I second that you get a new toilet, contact the GP and state that they are not to allow anyone else to make an appointment (could you set up a password or something??)

And don’t facilitate any contact with granny out of your time, only out of the dad’s. You shouldn’t have any contact at all.

You ask your X what on earth was he thinking ? its not happening & you have cancelled the appointment. Any change of treatment has to be with concertation with You. that the allergy treatment which is working won't be changing as it depends on You, the parent who has him 70% of the time, giving it to DC.
You add that you will not be giving access to to MIL further, & she can see him in your Xs slot. she is meddling & fucking up Dcs routine.
Life is hard enough as it is.

I assume the father knew what happened and doesn’t object to his mother acting on his behalf. As the OP has mentioned he will be at the appointment.

It might be best for the father and his “support network” to get the GP advice directly. Be prepared for this to escalate. The grandmother will argue that visits with her are needed and shouldn’t be stopped abruptly given the bond and the physical health condition. This argument could succeed and the doctors visit could be used to support this. Interfering with it could also be counterproductive.

Is there a child arrangement order in place and what does it say about whose responsibility it is to manage health?

When the mid week visit was changed did the father agree it should be stopped and if not did you notify him of your intention?

Worth speaking to the GP practice about. They may be able to set up a password system. Maybe have a different one to your ex. They could maybe put an alert on your child's record that appointments can only be made by people who know the password and no info should be shared without the password.
Not sure if it's possible but worth a try.

You need to set up two separate passwords. Not one universal one.
Stipulate you only you will know your password a d the second password dad will need to set up. Then this way if a woman (exMiL) tries to use dad's PW the know there's something wrong.
You need to be clear about this to the surgery though.

All visits should be happening on his time. Not yours.

If you really want to do the best for your child you would all get together and decide what is best for your son. Not wanting to use any toilet except his Granny’s is frankly a big worry and there is no way you can stop him going there. Don’t let your dislike for your ex MIL stop you doing the best thing for your son. 👶

You have been far too nice.

This woman needs to learn her place. This is not her son, and she is majorly overstepping. Also, you are no longer married to HER son.

I would cease all communication with this woman. However, the fact that your ex just bends to her intrusive ways is a big problem. There are not three parents here, and honestly, it might take some more legal action to iron out a new agreement in your custody situation to avoid this woman having too much control of your child. You want to be able to know that when he is visiting his father, you and your ex on the same page. His mother should never be taking it upon herself to cut your son's hair much less book an appointment with his doctor. That's for you and your ex only.

She is entitled to her opinions, but it's her taking action that is the problem.

They might generally have a very different mindset, but their mindset comes from a generally good place, where the females are still usually the child's care giver, and the children are considered to be the most important people in any family, from at least the female point of view. The grandmother will often be seen as the Matriarch of the family, and if a child was ever unwell, or unhappy for whatever reason, the Matriarch would be consulted as they are usually considered to be the wisest, and most knowledgeable about children, because they are older, and have had far more experience than the younger mothers.

However, even in Brasil, the young educated women emerging now, have been exposed to the Internet, to modern films, to modern worldwide politics, etc and they no longer want to live close to, or give their mothers and grandmother's the power that until relatively recently they had over the family unit. Modern day Brazilians are recovering from living under a Military Dictatorship, which, although it ended in 1985, has still not been forgotten, and there are still some very left-wing socialist views amongst some of the population, and a strong influence from the Brazilian present day communist party, even though it has not been in power itself.

The modern Brazilian youngsters are basically doing what our young people started doing about 50 - 60 years ago! Many of the older women in Brazil are finding this change very difficult to deal with, and sadly it has caused a lot of family arguments and unhappiness. It is really not at all surprising if the OP's MiL is overstepping, as she is just behaving as she will have most likely behaved towards her MiL before her, and how her Mum did before that.

What you can be absolutely certain about @ellie09 is that your MiL loves your DC as much as the ones she gave birth to herself, and yes, that is making your life somewhat harder, and no, you shouldn't give into her, and let her walk all over you, but if you could try and have some understanding of her situation, and even some sympathy for her, that could help both of you quite a lot.

What I am trying to explain, and not doing very well at, is that your MIL will only have your DC's best welfare at heart, and she is not being awkward and overbearing on purpose. Of course, as others have said, she is not - and need not be - your problem, as you and your ex are no longer together. But if you can find enough kindness in your heart towards this woman, then you might actually start feeling better yourself too, and your DC would most definitely benefit if his Mum and Grandma didn't hate each other...

Your EX-mother in law needs to have boundaries put in place. Yes, she's grandma, but I think she's using your son to get to her son in some warped way. She is overstepping the line big time, and I'm sure she's causing your son to have certain issues.

Not sure how old your son is. One of my sons is Autistic & we had alot of issues during his childhood even now that he is much older. He as the others were in my custody. So the only one allowed to make his appointments for gp & all the rest was me. Not ex nor anyone else. Try speaking with his dad, but if he will not listen, then maybe the support worker for your son. Organising that maybe a free 15 min, if it is still possible solicitors appointment to check the legality of your ex MIL interference. Also ring your surgery & see if they can cooperative with you. Good luck.

Let the GP surgery know what's happening but don't do it in a way where it looks like you're asserting authority you don't have.

Trying to stop somebody seeking medical attention for your child may make it look like you've got something to hide rather than illustrating the grandmother's bonkers behaviour.

I would fully expect to be able to make appointments for children related to me who aren't mine who've been left in my care for over a week.

Aim of the rules is always to ensure children get proper medical attention - allowing anybody to make an appointment and take them to a GP is one of the ways some children are protected from abuse.

Your better course may be to attend the GP appointment with the grandmother but potentially without your son and allow the GP to explain the current position to her. GPs are likely to have little tolerance for her messing about (but they need to come to that conclusion themselves) and she may be more willing to concede when a 'professional' is backing what you're saying.