Absolutely FUMING with ex MIL

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have an 8 year old ASD DS and split up with their dad when DS was 2.

For a bit of backstory - my ex MIL had always been an absolute nightmare, constantly going over boundaries and being horribly verbally abusive to me in the past. For the sake of DS, over the last couple of years, we have became "civil" to each other when we see one another.

Since my ex husband moved out around 6 months ago from ex MIL house, she has been obsessed with having DS at her house. Which I didn't mind until the lack of routine between 3 houses (mine, his dads and granny's) was having a negative effect on his behaviour.

Recently, getting fed up of DS arriving back to me in horrible form and displaying bad behaviour (he needs routine as part of his ASD), I told his granny that stays at her house will not be as frequent, with school starting soon and that moving forward, DS wont be staying there on a school night, but he can stay at her house for one night at the weekend, if she would like.

Ex MIL seems to have taken this badly and using now anything she can to see DS.

His dad collected him today after work for a few hours before dropping him back for dinner. He said his mum had PHONED OUR GP AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR MY DS WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE.

Apparently, its for his "allergies" which he already takes Benardyl for which WORKS. And for the fact he cant do his poos properly (he refuses to go unless its in his granny's toilet, some weird OCD thing) which is currently acknowledged by his ASD support team and we are working through coping strategies etc with him. I have already been told there is nothing GP can do for this as the psychological mindset is part of his ASD care team.

What steps do I take now?

Call the GP surgery and tell them only a parent can make an appointment moving forward?

Do I remove all access to toxic ex MIL until she learns some boundaries? (Hard to do when DS dad will just ignore that anyway)

I am LIVID.

Tell the doctors you think she has munchenhausens (or however its spelt) and if you cant afford a new loo clean yours and buy a new seat like ladies above suggested then cover yours in cling film so it looks new. what about spray disinfectant to spray before he sits, tell him its cleaner than grannies x

Is it possible the granny is giving him laxatives?

I’m shocked that the doctor has entertained a non custodial grandparent to make an allergy appointment no one should be able to speak to your surgery without your consent! His dad should be allowed in case he gets an issue whilst there. As to the MIL no she doesn’t get to see him unless you are there else it’s NO! Tell your ex it’s not to happen when he has DS either! She cannot be trusted . Hopefully DS will be able to poo at home.

I'd tell him that he will make himself ill if he holds in bowel movements for any reason. It might frighten him enough.

Do you know anything at all about autism? No, that won’t frighten him and it won’t help.

Have to admit I was shocked when my mum booked an appointment for DS with the GP. Would have thought there would be more checks involved to make sure the people involved have parental responsibility or permission.

Ring up the GP surgery cancel the appointment that she has no right ho make .
Warn the surgery not to allow that without your permission again.
Tell mil it's cancelled.
Until further notice and to learn some boundaries you're son won't be going to stay there .. end of.

Some odd replies on here. Obviously a password or making appointments online are completely accessible to Granny if the exP gives her the password if needed. The exP is completely within his rights to take his own child to a doctor’s appointment as often as he thinks best.

The mother’s permission isn’t needed, though. The father has permitted it and agrees.

Are you sure you’re not just upset that grannies autism parenting strategies seem to be working better than yours? If the opposite were true and he inlt
pooed in your toilet not hers what would you think then? Possibly she feels you’re not parenting him effectively which is why she’s taken the bull by the horns and made a docs appointment which she has no right to do. However working with a granny that loves your Don may be in his best interests. Perhaps she can help you toilet train him?

He's yours and your ex's child. I'd be absolutely livid. I'd be stopping "Karen" grand in her tracks interfering old boot. Speak with the GP surgery and a get some citizens advice as I'd be getting an injunction on her. Im angry for you.

There is absolutely no reason for you to have any contact with your ex mil. Tell your DH he needs to arrange and decide any visits to your ex mil.

Sorry do you mean he only defecates at his granny’s house or at a toilet in any house? This is significant. If he is only pooping with her it means he’s more comfortable at her house. Although she overstepped grossly, I can understand her concerns.

Ok I’ve just read this. This isn’t just about granny’s toilet, this is about comfort. He feels more comfortable at her home and you need to work out why that is the case. Lots of children do withhold in unfamiliar environments or dislike certain toilets but it is not normal to withhold at home. He clearly doesn’t feel comfortable with you. I’m sorry to say that, but it seems true. He clearly derives a lot of comfort and security from granny, so try and find a way to work with her. She also correct to be concerned about the bowel issue as this is serious enough to warrant medical and psychological intervention.

I'd go round and see her whilst ds is at his dad's. She would be asked to explain her actions.

Horrendous. My eldest girl is autistic. There is no way. No way. I am constantly complaining to my husband because his parents expect to socialise with my children on an adult level for their own needs as grandparents. I am so angry about it. I have endured (as have my children doing the meltdowns) so many times unnecessarily because of their selfish needs and desires to be grandparents and use my children as socialising tools. Kids want to be kids, they don’t want to be questions and bugged and trying to make laugh to make themselves seem funny to others. There is no way I would have my in laws dictate about my children. My girl needs so much routine, she wants her home and no one else’s.

do not let her demand your child. He is your child, not hers. She’s had her children. She has no entitlement.

if she is a pain in the arse then let her be. Tell her she is a pain. Tell her he wants to be at home with his mummy where he lives and that he is your child.

good luck.

The Receptionists should be able to add a warning to his record to check the caller I.D. a Code word perhaps. This is a child protection issue.

How odd of her.

Not one to usually stick up for gp receptionists but I don’t think they did anything wrong. It’s fucking weird for a crazy grandma to make a gp appointment thats not necessary and they probably asked the standard questions of name, dob and reason for appointment. They wouldn’t ask do you have parental responsibility or parents consent to speak to us because like why would they need too? 😂 it’s a mil issue so make her your exes issue and step back from the facilitating as she sounds bonkers.

As far as the doctor’s appointment is concerned if your ex is going to see the doctor too there is nothing you can do. He has agreed that your ds should going and in making the appointment Mil was acting as his agent.
if you don’t want MIL to see ds in your time then I agree with others that you have to be firm and tell her she can only see him when he is with his dad in future.

You are forgetting the child has a father who is involved in his care. If dad wants the child to see the doctor then he is perfectly within his rights to agree for MIL to make an appointment.

Just reread the OP. Are you really saying that your child will only poo at granny’s house and not at yours? Don’t quite get this part of the story.

She's a nightmare.

one of the positives about having an EX is having EX MIL.

I'd talk to Ex & say you'd rather she didn't have him unsupervised. & stop contact with her in your time.

I'd definitely call the surgery & get it on his file that only you & his Dad can bring him to appointments.

she didn't over step, she went flying over ...

I dont know why it is hard for people to understand a child has 2 parents so have equal say in things why is this so hard to understand