Absolutely FUMING with ex MIL

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have an 8 year old ASD DS and split up with their dad when DS was 2.

For a bit of backstory - my ex MIL had always been an absolute nightmare, constantly going over boundaries and being horribly verbally abusive to me in the past. For the sake of DS, over the last couple of years, we have became "civil" to each other when we see one another.

Since my ex husband moved out around 6 months ago from ex MIL house, she has been obsessed with having DS at her house. Which I didn't mind until the lack of routine between 3 houses (mine, his dads and granny's) was having a negative effect on his behaviour.

Recently, getting fed up of DS arriving back to me in horrible form and displaying bad behaviour (he needs routine as part of his ASD), I told his granny that stays at her house will not be as frequent, with school starting soon and that moving forward, DS wont be staying there on a school night, but he can stay at her house for one night at the weekend, if she would like.

Ex MIL seems to have taken this badly and using now anything she can to see DS.

His dad collected him today after work for a few hours before dropping him back for dinner. He said his mum had PHONED OUR GP AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR MY DS WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE.

Apparently, its for his "allergies" which he already takes Benardyl for which WORKS. And for the fact he cant do his poos properly (he refuses to go unless its in his granny's toilet, some weird OCD thing) which is currently acknowledged by his ASD support team and we are working through coping strategies etc with him. I have already been told there is nothing GP can do for this as the psychological mindset is part of his ASD care team.

What steps do I take now?

Call the GP surgery and tell them only a parent can make an appointment moving forward?

Do I remove all access to toxic ex MIL until she learns some boundaries? (Hard to do when DS dad will just ignore that anyway)

I am LIVID.

Absolutely this

I’d call the gp and say they are not permitted to book appts for my son unless made by a parent, no one else has your consent, stop visits and also get a new toilet.
she can see your ds on dads time.

You can assert to your GP that your MiL is not able to discuss your children's healthcare unless you give written permission.
And this relates to anyone outside of you and your DS father.

I men, all of this. I’d say go further, only you can make appointments for your ds.

Update your asd team and school. Grandmother may not take your ds from/to anywhere. No more contact at her house. New loo seat at yours. If necessary, get a new restraining order for you and your ds. She doesn’t get to come near him without his df and she can see him on his contact time. Stand firm, you did it previously, do it again.

Ex mil count ur days .

I would arrange to have a cuppa with her and a chat. I would ask her why she took your son to the doctor without you knowing. Have a chat about her concerns and about what you are doing about it and tell her you need to be told about something like that. You could also chat about the house arrangement and her seeing him. Could be worth taking the time to discuss it with her properly, hearing her thoughts and get how you feel out there. Making sure she knows what you won't tolerate

Every day I think I cant read more mad things on this forum and today I read that apparently this is a child protection issue and another poster advising OP to get a restraining order!

The child has a father.

Which is why I said what I said re df in my post, so no alone time with grandmother.

The gp can’t be expected to know that though?

stop engaging. Let your ex sort it and block her.

i’m not divorced but don’t have this level of interaction with il’s. Dh sorts visits and whatnot.

it’s not your job to facilitate his family’s relationship. It’s his.

She shouldn't be eating into your time with your son. You get your time with your son, your ex gets his time with his son and your mul is eating into your time with your son.

Just stop any contact with her alone.And she can go and see him when he's with your ex.

Dh had to fight tooth and nail to get his kids GP to speak to him. They tried to insist they wouldn’t see the kids unless his ex was present.

i strongly suspect had she got in the room they wouldn’t have been able to discuss anything with her unless it was an emergency.

having said that, women get away with much more when it comes to children. I once had to take step dc to a&e- they automatically assumed I was mum and I had to tell the I did not have PR, they needed to wait for dad.

Did she pretend to be you when making the appointment? She’s a cf, stop communications with her immediately and put security blocks on medical places and nursery/schools. She’s sounds totally disrespectful. The poo scenario needs to be dealt with, tell her that until ds becomes able to go elsewhere he won’t be at here’s as it’s having a negative effect on his toiletting issues. Then deal with it your own way without her input. She sounds well dodgy.

There is something really bizarre about this situation. Op has a child who loves his granny and will only do a poo at her house and yet op wants to stop him having contact with her. Yet lots of people are saying she is doing what is best for her child. It doesn’t sound like that to me. Fgs op give your head a wobble and think for a moment. Get together with child’s father and sort this out. You are letting your own dislike of ex and ex mil get in the way of your child’s relationship with them. You are not the only one who can make decisions about your child. You are not the only one who loves him.

But if the father is happy for the grandmother to have alone time with the son, it’s completely fine. The mum can’t just make up random rules about what the grandma can and can’t do under the father’s watch. It has nothing to do with the mum.

I think if she goes back to a restraining order, surely that can be enforced.

That is all utterly wrong. Under no circumstances do this.

Who decides no alone time with grandmother? It is not OPs decision.

True.

Well actually it is. Isn't it taking out of the days at the op has with her own son.

Why isn't the child's father facilitating contact between his son and his own mother

The op should step back and her ex.Partner can arrange for his son to see his mother when he has him
It's got nothing to do with the op

What I meant is as it's too late to edit.She doesn't have to be the one who arranges alone time with his grandmother.

Her ex can arrange that himself with his own mother. He used to live with his mother, so contact with his son took place in his mother's house. He can carry on facilitating the contact with his mother.

And his behavior is worsening, because he's now being split between three houses, instead of two

So all the more reason for his father to take him to his mother's house, or she can go to his.

That is unusual advice when you consider the op has had a restraining order against her in the past. Unsafe even.

You of course only have the OPs side of the story. Ex and exMIL might put a very different slant on the situation. I do not think we have been given enough information to condemn the grandmother as others seem to be doing.