To find these comments from new mum friend intensely irritating

[HopalongHorace]

A friend has recently had a baby and I’m getting “first person in the world to ever have a baby” vibes and starting to find it irritating. For context I have a 8 month old and a few other girls in our friendship group also have had babies in the past year or so. Naturally everyone was thrilled when friend got pregnant as it’s something she’s wanted for a while, but was waiting to meet the right partner (which she now has).

I’ll give some examples of comments she has made -

Is it normal to not let the baby out of your sight and just want to look at them all the time, I don’t know how other mums get anything done as I just can’t stop staring at Kevin (not his real name)

I know everyone says it’s amazing when you have a baby but for me it’s just something more, this incredible bond like nothing else, a very unique thing between me and Kevin

Gosh I don’t know how you can bear to leave your baby (I recently left mine with my sister for 4 hours for the first time), I don’t think I could leave Kevin as our bond is too strong and he needs me

Maybe I’m being sensitive but it feels like she thinks she loves Kevin more than the rest of us love our kids (which I don’t think is true), has anyone else experienced this or AIBU?

I left my baby at the nurses' station when he was days old so I could sleep/shower. (Didn't have anyone else to help.) I do wonder if she's struggling and she says this stuff to convince herself. I did struggle after having DS but I took what help I could get to stay sane and be able to look after myself, (otherwise I wouldn't have eaten/slept/showered for weeks.)

I found there were generally two types of new mothers, those that bang on about how precious their little one is and how they could never leave them, who tend to obsess over baby routines, organic foods and milestones etc. And then those who also love their babies but keep the milestones etc within family chat and are happy to vent with other mothers about lack of sleep, teething and how they are happy to hand the baby over to anyone who will offer just to get a moments peace. I personally found the first group intensely annoying and surrounded myself with the second group when my first was a baby, luckily all my NCT friends were on the same page. I remember when I was going back to work when my first was 6 months old, one smug mum at one of the baby groups went on about how she could never, they were still so little, she’s going to take the full 12 months even if it means less money (as I said I was going back early for financial reasons). Lo and behold she went back at 10 months as she was apparently bored out of her mind by that stage.

It's very cringe and annoying, but just let her have her moment in the sun with it all. I remember my sister in law telling us "I just think little _ must be cuter than other babies because everyone is always telling me how beautiful she is" 😂

If it’s very early days there’s a lot of hormone stuff happening, I’d give her a break. I was crying 24/7 feeling like I’d ruined my life, we all settle in to the new normal eventually 😂

Urgh this is all too familiar. There is always one. The friendship between me and a good friend changed for good when we had children at the same time, she became insufferable. She became Mother Earth, the expert on all things child rearing, never said anything negative about parenting EVER. Even when you just needed someone to nod and agree with you after a tough day with the kids.
Don’t expect your friends comments to get any less irritating over time if she’s anything like my ‘friend’ 🤣

I have a friend like this. Turns everything into a competitive sport. I swear she must've given birth for competition 😂 so completely get how you are feeling. It's wonderful to hear people love their children obviously and it's the best thing thats ever happened to me.

It gets irritating when she starts saying I can't believe other mums do X, Y, which implies others are doing it wrong or loving their kids less than her. She either doesn't understand the full implication of her words or she actually thinks she loves her children more. If the latter she's emotionally retarded, as an adult she must understand people are different. Anyway. I would, depending on my mood, either confront her "oh so you think x loves her baby less than you?" when she makes a stupid remark like that again, or just dissappear for a while from her life. She will calm down hopefully.

What a mean spirited thread.

It's not a given that she's struggling and miserable and faking being happy, that's a whole.load of projection from the vipers. Some mums just love being with their baby all the time.

My daughter is 15 months and I still won't leave her without anyone other than my husband unless it's an emergency. She goes to nursery two afternoons a week while we're both at work and the rest of the time she's at home with one of us. I didn't leave her with my husband until she was 6 months old and even then it was only for a few hours at a time. I still did everything I did before having her, I just took her with me. She's spent half her life in a sling around horses while I muck out and stuff hay nets. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attached to your baby.

I have no idea how parents of babies can leave their baby with grandparents overnight or even for a whole weekend which is what someone I know did! Bonkers. I really don't understand the mums who complain endlessly about their kids and are always desperate to hand them off to anyone who will take them. It's sad.

Oh dear OP. Brace yourself, it will probably get worse before it gets better. But don’t despair, eventually either

a) she will have another child and realise that Kevin is the same as any other child and what is more she will be desperate happy for anyone to take him to feed the ducks for half an hour so she can get the new baby to sleep and have a shower.

b) Kevin will hit puberty, start speaking in grunts, stink of Lynx, drink milk and juice from the carton, and closing his bedroom door with her on the other side.

Reverse of this, I was 😱 when a friend told me she’d left her 4 week old baby with her parents and gone on holiday with her dh for a month!

Should add that she was from a different culture where it wasn’t a big thing, but I still couldn’t understand how anyone could leave their tiny baby for so long.

She must be very advanced if she manages to cope with being left at nursery without any adult help at the tender age of 15 months. How does she manage to undo poppers and buttons, fasten her shoes , change her own nappy, serve her own snacks, arrange the table activities , put out the paints etc?

Quite possibly she doesn’t realise she is being critical of the other mums, but there isn’t really any other way of reading (in response to OP leaving her baby for 4 hours) “I don’t know how you can leave your baby, I couldn’t, our bond is too strong” (implying that OP’s bond with her baby must not be as strong), and “I know everyone says it’s amazing when you have a baby but for me it’s just something more, this incredible bond like nothing else, a very unique thing between me and Kevin”. She’s literally, quite directly, saying she loves her baby more than other mums.

Which is why I think a gentle ribbing is the right response, to point it out to her, and all have a bit of a laugh, friendship still in tact (as opposed to some of the other suggestions like avoid her, stop being her friend, which I think is quite a cruel to do to a new mum, who won’t have any idea why she’s being excluded, at a time of her life when she needs community the most).

Is this not PFB syndrome?

She's spent half her life in a sling around horses while I muck out and stuff hay nets. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attached to your baby.

My friend has just had surgery to wire her fractured jaw after her horse kicked her in the face while tending to it.

You actually kept your baby in a sling around horses, constantly. Theyre easily spooked and easily bolt.

See, we can all do it.You won't leave your baby anyone with any other human but think she is safe strapped to your front in the presence of horses.

Never would I ever risk my baby around that after hearing what happened to my friend. The baby wouldn't have survived if my friend had it strapped to her in a sling when it did that.

So we can all do it how can you risk your baby's life around such dangerous animals. She's safer with her grandparents. Don't get me started on nurseries.

I would find this irritating too. I have a 10 month old and actually have found it overwhelmingly easy and enjoyable, it has truly given my life meaning. But I just wouldn't say this, because, who cares (and I'm sure I'll change my mind during the toddler years!) Of course we all love our babies unconditionally, I've never felt the need to say this to anyone because it's just a given, surely? If a mum friend was banging on about how much they love their baby and how they have a unique bond that nobody else has etc I'd probably be a bit worried they're overcompensating as they dont feel much.

Yeah you just have to smile and nod. And if she gets too irritating or her comments edge into criticising you then you back away from the friendship. She will probably get over herself soon enough.

So your feelings are all about you and your baby.

Hers are all about her and her baby.

Yes, you're being too sensitive.

She'll be so wrapped up in Kevin, she'll neither know nor care about your particular bond with yours.

This is such an odd take, imo. I could say, i don't understand how I could drop my baby off at nursery with strangers, thus I've resigned from my job so my baby doesn't go to nursery and I'm with them 24/7 (actually true) But what would I gain from that, other than trying to make someone - you - feel bad? I dont love my baby more than you love yours just because I'm able to give up work to be with him all the time. But, nor do you love your baby more than others just because you won't leave them with anyone.

I had to swerve these kind of mums during my first baby’s first year. At the time I found it all so hard that I assumed everyone did and therefore people who spoke like this were not open and actively trying to cover up their struggles, fine but I didn’t have time for it. Naturally I bonded with those I could be open and moan with.

Later with experience and hindsight, I came to realise that not all mums struggle; some have babies who sleep and just get to do normal things while adoring their baby!! While many of us were on our knees trying to survive sleep deprivation and dealing with all the associated complicated feelings - of also adoring your baby but said baby being the apparent source of a lot of suffering. If you like her and have the patience to just let these comments go, or want to try telling her how she comes across, go for it. Otherwise just gravitate towards others that you will feel more connected to.

Yey !! Let’s shame all the working parents who didn’t have a choice but to leave their babies with relatives or childcare ffs, because they have bills to pay.

Your post is also mean-spirited.

And you do leave your baby with someone other than you/your DH if she’s in nursery 2 afternoons a week.

I could shame you for doing that as I didn’t send DD to nursery until she was 2. But I won’t because that would be pretty shitty of me.

Wait until she is three. You will change your mind.

She will likely change her tune or utterly stifle the poor kid as he gets older and become totally enmeshed.

OMG. How incompetent is your husband that he couldn't be trusted with your PFB until she was six months old?
LTB.