To find these comments from new mum friend intensely irritating

[HopalongHorace]

A friend has recently had a baby and I’m getting “first person in the world to ever have a baby” vibes and starting to find it irritating. For context I have a 8 month old and a few other girls in our friendship group also have had babies in the past year or so. Naturally everyone was thrilled when friend got pregnant as it’s something she’s wanted for a while, but was waiting to meet the right partner (which she now has).

I’ll give some examples of comments she has made -

Is it normal to not let the baby out of your sight and just want to look at them all the time, I don’t know how other mums get anything done as I just can’t stop staring at Kevin (not his real name)

I know everyone says it’s amazing when you have a baby but for me it’s just something more, this incredible bond like nothing else, a very unique thing between me and Kevin

Gosh I don’t know how you can bear to leave your baby (I recently left mine with my sister for 4 hours for the first time), I don’t think I could leave Kevin as our bond is too strong and he needs me

Maybe I’m being sensitive but it feels like she thinks she loves Kevin more than the rest of us love our kids (which I don’t think is true), has anyone else experienced this or AIBU?

The comments an are a bit irritating but I'd probably just smile and give a little knowing laugh. Or, if you feel compelled to say something, then maybe 'Goodness, you're giving off those "I'm a new mum" vibes again Geraldine'

But she is a new mum and when she says she can’t take her eyes off him or leave him for a few hours it’s just stating a fact about her and her experience.

The fact you take it as a criticism, maybe that has more to do with you than her. She is in the middle of the euphoria of new born babyhood

Maybe she really can’t take her eyes off him or leave him for more than a few minutes.

These OTT feelings will subside. You have to realise that giving birth and raising baby isn’t something that is exactly the same for everyone. Just because someone explains their feelings and what they do doesn’t mean anything. They are just stating what they do.

It’s as much a criticism as stating you left your baby for a few hours.

She could have taken that as a criticism of her parenting

There’s a huge chance you may have been this person/ had the potential to be this person too op- you only see things afterwards. I said about how nice it was to see two of my friends get back to themselves as their children got a bit older, how there was times they seemed so exhausted etc and my friend said ‘ we felt the same about you, we were really worried and then relieved when we felt you were coming back to yourself’. Looking back now- yup!

I'd just roll my eyes and say, 'We all feel like that at the beginning Jane. Totally normal.'

New Mum is not implying that other mothers have less of a bond.
She is stating her own bond, her own coping abilities and her own experiences. She is overcome by feelings for her son but that doesn't mean she is critical of others. She is in the depths of sleeplessness and she is self absorbed and surprised with mothering and the strength of her attachment.

Reality is that everyone does their best parenting but no one's best is the same as another. People's need to share varies too.
Be kind, eyeroll and leave her to gush.
New Mum does you no harm; she might end up a great friend and trustworthy as a playdate mother.

I agree she is stealing some of their joy but I don't think she means to be, particularly if it's out of character for her to have been like that pre-baby. I guess it depends on what she's usually like and if she's known for trying to outcompete others, she might just need to be reminded that her comments are hurtful even if she isnt intending them to be.
For example when she says she couldn't leave her baby with someone else OP could say "that's hurtful, I know you love Kevin but I also love John and there's no shame in having someone babysit every once in a while it doesn't mean I love John any less".

I agree with OP though that it would be annoying to keep listening to, I just get the impression her friend is just still in the honeymoon phase with her baby and it will soon pass

Typical pfb, we've all done it in varying degrees and no doubt you have too OP.
Just smile and wave the novelty will wear off.

Oh god we had one like this at our baby group.

When I said I was taking mine to meet my family (six hours away) she declared how she couldn't possibly separate hers from its dad for that long as it was impossibly cruel.

I was going mid week and my husband was on 12 hour shifts anyway but no, she went on and on about how important it is to be with both parents and made me feel like shit.

Can safely say it made no difference at all to the bond they have with their dad.

My friend was also the childminder for their kids and despite living on the same street and getting home before 5 they would be er pick up the kids until 6 on the dot so it's fair to say the 'its all such precious family time ' wore off.

As time wore on it was clear she actually found it harder than the rest of us so I do wonder if there's a bit of trying to reassure herself in there but I concur it's bloody annoying.

Very cringe, and SHE’LL cringe about it one day. It would really irritate me though

She’s really happy and experiencing what, for many women, is one of the most amazingly revelatory periods of her life. Don’t make it about you.

To me this is just a really lovely thing. But if you don’t want to hear it, then avoid her until she’s out of the honeymoon phase.

Amazing the ability some folk have to find some slight against themselves in any nice thing.

Oh bless her she will.look back and cringe at these comments paticularly when Kevin is being a whiney toddler
On remember mèetting a friend and my sister both of whom had, had babies within a few weeks of each other ,but my sister also had a toddler, her then two year old was acting up a bit generally just being two and my friend was horrified as her precious little would never behave like that, fast forward a few years ,this time she had her second child a few weeks before my first was born and when we met up her toddler wssent quite the angel she had envisaged🤣

Very irritating. Some people can’t help trying to compete over everything including parenthood. This may come from a place of insecurity. Best thing to do is just ignore and move the conversation on to something else.

She does sound irritating! But I can't talk. I used to talk about how much I missed my dog when I had to leave her after the holidays when my colleagues beside me were leaving their kids! I never meant it by way of comparison because while she is a good dog, she isn't a human baby! I think your friend is just clumsily trying to express her love without thinking about how it comes across to others. She'll come out of the other side eventually!

And ten years later, I do still miss the dog when i have to leave her but Im not going on about it to anyone!

OP just sit back and wait for the terrible twos when he discovers the word ‘no’ !!

I feel like I would have said this kind of thing. my Mum hated being a parent so I was really surprised by how strongly I felt
Don't take it personally
In fact I am always like this about my kids, it comes from a place of my own mother seeing hers a burden and me not wanting to me like that. It could be something like this OP.

Ignore and she's lying.... baby stage is not that easy

Meant newborn stage

It’s normal, you whole life
changes so she’s realising this! Perhaps be just as annoying and say oh yes I remember it well, or you could say oh really I just felt life was exactly the same … not lol 😂

You found it difficult to leave your baby, due to undiagnosed PND and not having anyone to leave your baby with. I doubt that you would have said this to another mother:

'Gosh I don’t know how you can bear to leave your baby (I recently left mine with my sister for 4 hours for the first time), I don’t think I could leave Kevin as our bond is too strong and he needs me'

That implies that OP doesn't love or care about her baby as much as her friend does about hers, as OP was able to leave her baby with her sister. It is a passive-aggressive dig, rather than just a mum being totally besotted with her baby.

She's a new mum, don't piss on her parade. You're like the annoying elderly sibling who when you are worrying about your gcses says wait until you get to A levels, that's hard

Everyone thinks their baby is the most adorable.

YANBU because it is annoying. Even if she really believes her bond with her baby is more special and close than anyone else’s could possibly be…to say that out loud? I think it goes beyond a bit of PFB issues. She sounds like she has a tendency to be self absorbed and lacking in empathy, she may have managed to keep that covered better until now.

My children are young adults now and I’m early fifties. I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern…when this phase is over I would say there is a strong chance she will show these traits in other ways.

Every time she does it just laugh, hysterically.
Then say “good one!”
And move the conversation on.

There’s always one of these in any new Mum friendship group.

I remember popping to the shops solo when ds was about a week old. Bumped into baby-wearing friend who looked shocked and said she still couldn’t be apart from her 4 month old.

I get that it feels like they’re being competitive but really they are just parenting differently.

It gets marginally less annoying as Kevin grows up and proves to be less than 100% angelic if that helps!