To find these comments from new mum friend intensely irritating

[HopalongHorace]

A friend has recently had a baby and I’m getting “first person in the world to ever have a baby” vibes and starting to find it irritating. For context I have a 8 month old and a few other girls in our friendship group also have had babies in the past year or so. Naturally everyone was thrilled when friend got pregnant as it’s something she’s wanted for a while, but was waiting to meet the right partner (which she now has).

I’ll give some examples of comments she has made -

Is it normal to not let the baby out of your sight and just want to look at them all the time, I don’t know how other mums get anything done as I just can’t stop staring at Kevin (not his real name)

I know everyone says it’s amazing when you have a baby but for me it’s just something more, this incredible bond like nothing else, a very unique thing between me and Kevin

Gosh I don’t know how you can bear to leave your baby (I recently left mine with my sister for 4 hours for the first time), I don’t think I could leave Kevin as our bond is too strong and he needs me

Maybe I’m being sensitive but it feels like she thinks she loves Kevin more than the rest of us love our kids (which I don’t think is true), has anyone else experienced this or AIBU?

“Ah yes, I remember that feeling. It’s actually great now though because our attachment is secure so we’re able to be apart for short periods without [my baby] becoming distressed, because he knows I’m coming back.”

I’m really happy for her that she has bonded so closely with her baby - she’s incredibly lucky. Or maybe unlucky in years to come when she can’t detach herself when her child really needs some independence and ends up being quite incapable as a result- who knows how it will play out.

I can see why you feel triggered by her comments but I don't think she is being calculated. In fact her descriptions of her intense feelings actually sound a little but too intense she might be suffering with some very high levels of anxiety. The idea that she could never be sepeated from her baby at all is quite extreme. I would ignore her comments keep an eye on her, she may spiral a bit.

Yeah would annoy me. I would distance myself as would dread seeing her. I would have to say something back tit for tat like yea it’s so painful leaving them but it will make it easier for them come nursery time. I’m only thinking of them/putting them first.

This really
we all do cringe stuff after having a baby…I know I did.

Look, even if she does think that, other than being irritating to listen to, it doesn't reflect on any of the rest of you.

I don't think anyone is trying to undermine you. It is irritating but everyone else will see it for what it is too. Its a reflection on her and her feelings and not you and yours.

Basically, you can say something about it - there have been some good lighthearted 'holding a mirror up' suggestions on here.

You can ignore it

You can stop spending time with her.

But don't worry about what other people might think it says about you because it says nothing.

Meh. All stages pass and she'll have her own struggles again soon enough, just let her have her happy moment. If she's saying this stuff on WhatsApp and you're bored by it then skim read, it takes seconds of your day at most. If it's in person then I expect you have your baby to occupy yourself with. Most people chitter on about themselves a lot in life, just get used to nodding and smiling instead of taking it all so seriously and making it all about you.

That was me.

Because it read from the OP that this wasn't a new mum friend in the sense of a friend she had made since becoming a mum but a longer standing friend who was the most recent to have had a baby in the friendship group.

A new friend made through being a mum, I'd distance myself.

A long standing friend who was just the most recent in the group to have a baby, I'd say something or ignore and be irritated in silence.

I wouldn't see it as a reflection of me in any any though and it seems that the OP is concerned about that.

My suggestions were more to help her manage/reframe the irritation in a friendship group she wants to stay part of rather than to tell her she should stay friends with every irritating person she meets just because they are also a 'new mum.

Either way, if she doesn't want to spend time with this woman any more, she doesn't have to. But she's an adult and probably already knows that herself.

I think sometimes people doing this type of thing are projecting for some reason. The best way is to not rise to it. Simply say “oh I don’t mind giving myself some restbite for a few hours as it’s so full on with a newborn.” Or “oh you don’t leave him ever, ok fair enough.”

grey rock as they say.

We've all said cringey things as new or expectant parents however the backhanded dig at leaving my baby for a few hours would annoy me so if that sort of comment continues I'd either have to challenge her on it or start keeping my distance from her.

I think you’re coming across as a bit bitchy, to be honest, and slightly patronising. It sounds like she’s very recently had her baby so maybe give her a break?

For what it’s worth, while I didn’t witter in about bonds, I couldn’t leave DD with anyone hardly ever. And that was because I was so bloody anxious and had undiagnosed post-natal depression. And didn’t really have anyone to leave her with either. So I would have been so envious of you for being able to do that.

Oh fgs just let her have her moment and let it wash over you! She's got something she desperately wanted and won't realise how it comes across, just let it in one ear and out of the other!

Oh, dear, poor Kevin. He is going to end up with a 'smother'. Does she have nothing else to focus her brain on? Children need to be allowed to become acclimatised to the world and nothing better than spending a few hours with the other very close members of family while mum gets a short break in the first few months.

Yes makes you want to vomit.

Sounds like overcompensating to me. Maybe she has PND.

But if she does it with a head tilt to indicate "aww you don't love your baby as much, shame" then yanbu.

Shes just excited to have a baby, I remember when my baby was a newborn (now 7mo) I couldn't understand why people ever feel like they need to have a break from their babies. How could you not want to be around this bundle of cuteness and love every minute of your day? Right?

Well..... now that my baby is firmly in the pterodactyl phase of constant screeching, squealing and random screaming every minute she's awake I totally wouldn't mind a break for a few hours. 7mos ago I would have probably convinced myself that her screeching would be music to my ears.

Shes just loved up and excited with her baby and on a bit of a high, I'd let her have her moment and feel her joy

Wait until Kevin is a teenager and remind her of this 😂

You just know that child will be insufferable.

I had something similar with a friend and my aunt gave me a brilliant sentence which shut her down.
"I know! All this, just from fucking! Anyway, cuppa tea?"
I think I only had to say it three times and my friend got the message.

I think I’d think you had lost your mind if you kept reminding me that babies happen as a result of sex and then offering me a cup of tea.