So overwhelmed with newborn, handhold please

[zinrlow]

Posting here as I didn’t know where to post.

I am so overwhelmed and can’t stop crying. My beautiful little boy was born on Friday and I am finding the adjustment so difficult.

I had a very traumatic birth experience which ended in an emergency C section, so I am healing from that and am in extreme pain all while trying to settle in to motherhood and looking after a newborn.

I’m 28 and have an amazingly supportive partner who I’m so grateful for right now, my family are amazing also and my mum has been over to help us today etc.

My baby is great throughout the day, he is so chilled and feeds well sleeps etc. However, the past 2 nights at home he just will not settle at all. No matter what I do, feed him, change him, burp him etc the second we put him down in his next to me crib / moses basket he just cries. He stops crying if you pick him up and cuddle him but that means absolutely no sleep for us.

My partner has just taken him downstairs to settle him and spend the night so that I can get some rest in bed but I feel awful. I am so overwhelmed and don’t know how I am going to cope with it all. I know it’s only been 2 nights but I am dreading the evenings as it is so difficult, the hot weather is not helping matters either.

I just don’t know what to do, I am crying so much thinking about life before and how it will never be normal again. I would love to hear others experiences and for someone to tell me that it gets better I

Thank you everybody for the lovely comments. He seems to have settled a bit over the last few days and the nights haven’t felt so bad.

There are still some issues though that I was wondering if anybody could give me advice on please..

Nappy changing during the night - I originally was changing his nappy before giving him his bottle, but realised very quickly that he would dirty his nappy during/after EVERY SINGLE BOTTLE so there was no point changing him first, so now I feed him as soon as he wakes and then change his nappy. This is making life even harder for me as after his bottle he is sleepy but once I’ve changed his nappy he is wide awake and sometimes will be worked up and crying after it. This means that the process of being up in the night is taking longer than it should, for example last night I was up for 2.5 hours by the time I fed him, burped him, kept him upright, changed his nappy, got him back to sleep. By the time I was able to go to sleep I knew I’d not long be waking up to do it all again.

Any advice? This is seriously draining.

you don’t need to change his nappy unless he’s done a poo or it’s absolutely full of wee. If he’s doing a poo after every bottle then there’s not much you can do other than ride it out. How many bottles is he having overnight? It won’t be long before you can stop waking him up quite so often as long as he is gaining weight. I breastfed mine but I’m sure I would only feed them if they woke up themselves after about a month. Keep going it will get easier soon. X

I could have written your post just 6 weeks ago. I promise you it does get better. You are exhausted and your hormones are all over the place.

Take it one day at a time, an hour at a time if you need to. Let your partner take the baby so you can rest, he can rest during the day tomorrow.

I never appreciated how quickly they develop and change. This means that if there’s a particular problem one week after a few days it will have changed and both you and baby learn a bit better to work together.

Hang in there, keep talking to people (I found my NCT friends a god send), keep telling yourself it will pass and suddenly you’ll be through it.

I’m breastfeeding so slightly different but I tend to feed him, then change him mid feed, then feed him some more after. Could you replicate this with the bottle? So give him enough that he does his poo, then change him, then feed him the remainder?
I’ve also found white noise is helping us all get better sleep and keeping the lights off and relying on a night light stops us all waking up too much.

Newborns are really hard and it sounds like you’re having a particularly tough time OP, but they do grow out of it honestly, it will get better.

Are you sure there isn’t some intolerance to the milk he is on? Speak to your health visitor team, but him emptying his bowels immediately after milk would to me hint towards an intolerance - which would also marry up with him crying a lot / not settling / seeming uncomfortable.

when you look at his poo is there any mucus?

Does he have a dummy - I know people hate them but for sleep and re-settling they can be wonderful. So bottle, nappy, dummy and I’d suggest swaddle?

Don't change it just for a little wee (I used to whenever I saw that blue line). Turns out it's not needed 😐.

Congratulations on your baby! Babies are hard wired to be next to you. I put my mattress on the floor, my husband moved to a different bedroom and me and my baby (both times) slept on the floor bed. No pillows and separate covers. They went from sleeping 10 mins and lots of crying to sleeping 3 hour stretches.

Some disagree with this but separate sleeping spaces are relatively new in the grand scheme of things.

You know my eldest is 26 but I could have written your post back then. It’s all still so fresh in my memory. First babies are often harder because you’re so anxious and worried about doing the wrong thing and adjusting to no/very little sleep is really hard. Put that on top of a difficult birth and it’s a shitstorm. I didn’t have a section with my first but did have a bad tear which got infected and could barely walk. Like you the days were great but early evening and nights was hell on earth. Honestly it will get better. I resorted to sleeping upright with my baby on my chest because he constantly puked when laid down. Try to rest during the day when your baby sleeps and try to go for a walk every day, it really helps with your mental health xx

This is me too. 25 years ago. Planned C-section due to position of baby. Home a couple of days and I was crying my eyes out saying what have we done, I want my old life back! I swore no dummies beforehand but that night I sent my partner out to find an all-night supermarket and told him not to come back without one. It really did help with soothing and settling. It does get better but the lack of sleep is hell at the time and was much worse than I expected. You’re not alone but you will get there. Xx

Yeah I remember the poo after the breastfeed when they're sleepy, it's very frustrating. It didn't last long though, by about 10-12 weeks he wasn't pooing at night anymore.

One of those contraptions that warms up the wipes might help if he gets getting his nappy changed. They do grow out of that quite quickly though and you’ll get more efficient at nappy changing.

Aw it’s tough isn’t it. My newborn is 4 weeks old today and we’ve found it so tough. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier and I really hope it does!
We had him in his crib in our room on night one and we realised it didn’t work as he wake every three hours, so it was both of us waking up every three hours, and from 3-5am he just screamed and nothing we did worked.
So now we do shifts and it works better, but it makes me cry all the time to think that my boyfriend and I don’t get to sleep in the same bed together any more. I go to bed at 9pm and my boyfriend stays downstairs with him feeding/burping/napping on the couch until 2am when we swap over. This gives me 5hrs uninterrupted sleep. Then I’m doing my night shift, feeding/burping/napping on the couch until around 7am, and that’s when my boyfriend gets his 5 hours uninterrupted before he gets up for work. I find the night shifts really, really tough. Especially when he cries and cries and I don’t know what to do.
I also have those feelings of thinking “this is my life now” and thinking about how easy life was before. I get scared thinking this is forever!
But at the same time, four weeks in and we are adjusting and things feel easier. Those first two weeks were so, so hard but things do feel better now as we are getting more into a rhythm.
I really hope as the days go on you find yourself in more of a routine. Sending love!

Thank you so much everybody. Things have gotten much better, he’s going down in the nights and sleeping for 4 hours until his next bottle, I’ve been getting a lot more sleep which helps a lot.

However we have another issue now, he will just not go down in the day! In the first few weeks he would sleep in his Moses basket through the day which would allow me to nap, clean, make food etc. Now he just will not sleep unless being held, I’ve tried putting him in his Moses basket but he wakes up and screams, tried putting him in his swing but he screams the place down! He’ll fall asleep in the car or in his pram which makes taking him out easy, but at home he’ll only sleep in the days if I’m holding him. It’s lovely to have baby cuddles, but I’m finding it difficult as I can’t clean anything or even make food, I have to eat one handed while holding him!

Dont get me wrong, I’d much rather this than him being awake all night but it would be nice if I could put him down in the day even for an hour to get on with things. Does anybody have any advice or tips, or am I just going to have to get on with it as we are? Things could be a lot worse though, and luckily I have a lot of support and help.. my mum has been coming over in the mornings on the week days so that I can go in the shower!

I put mine down in the cot in our bedroom for daytime naps, blinds down white noise on and I napped next to them 🤣 I still got nothing done but the rest was wonderful! It also got them used to napping upstairs in a dark room too so when they were a bit older I could leave them up there and go and get a few things done.

Remember the fourth trimester is rough! The first three months with my twins if everyone just survived the day it was an absolute win.

Did you look into getting a rockit? It basically rocks them in whatever theyre sleeping in. Rockit clipped on to pram or moses basket & white noise might help. So glad you're getting a good rest at night though it makes the difference! I used to wrap my baby up warm and rock her in the back garden in her pram then once she was asleep I left her& pottered around indoors ( obviously always nearby) she just slept better in the fresh air!

@SunnyDollyi have thought about doing that, he sleeps wonderfully in the night in a dark room with white noise and his swaddle! But I’ve read so many conflicting things saying that you need to differentiate between day and night so I was afraid to do that in the day in case (not sure how true that is) the internet is great but then constantly has me second guessing myself! May try it tomorrow if he won’t go down 😊

@Dontletthebedbugsbite2I’ve heard great things about the rockit, I might have to try it. That’s a great idea about the pram in the garden I’ll also give that a go, I know if I take him for a little walk in his pram he’ll fall asleep, but the weather has been so awful the past few days I haven’t been able to get out apart from in the car!

My baby did all his naps, except the morning one, in my arms (not even just next to me, had to be held) until we sleep trained around 5.5 months.

Mine screamed in the carseat, pram and cot until about 4/5 months. And only slept for 1-2hrs between feeds until 8months. Every nap before then was in arms or a sling. Now my last baby is 7months and I'm feeling sad these naps will soon be over!

I think you're doing really well. Use white noise in pram so the transition to the house is smoother when coming in from a walk.

I use a sling during the day when I can’t put baby down and need to do things with my toddler, you could try that? Glad the night sleep has got better for you, everything feels so overwhelmingly hard when you’re getting next to no sleep.

My youngest would only sleep during the day in our arms or the baby bouncer.

I am reading this with mine grown and flown - and there are times I wish i could go back to the time when mine needed me as much as your little boy needs you. The dusting can wait till they are at nursery/school/university.
I am lucky enough to have grandchildren so if your DPs or in laws offer to help then take it

Thank you everyone! I’ve ordered a sling so that I can get things done around the house. I am so lucky as he is an absolute joy and I love being a mother more than I ever could imagine, I’m trying not to wish these times away as I know one day I’ll miss it!

I miss the early days too, but thats with the benefit of rose tinted glasses and not having to do it anymore.

Its not wishing the years away to be tearing you hair out due to lack of sleep etc. Dont feel that you should always be on cloud nine, life just isnt like that!

My second had awful silent reflux, that wasnt diagnosed until years later (at the time was told "oh its just colic") and I loved her of course, still do, but at times I really didnt like her very much at all because fuck me it was hard! So if you can get help then please do accept it x