So overwhelmed with newborn, handhold please

[zinrlow]

Posting here as I didn’t know where to post.

I am so overwhelmed and can’t stop crying. My beautiful little boy was born on Friday and I am finding the adjustment so difficult.

I had a very traumatic birth experience which ended in an emergency C section, so I am healing from that and am in extreme pain all while trying to settle in to motherhood and looking after a newborn.

I’m 28 and have an amazingly supportive partner who I’m so grateful for right now, my family are amazing also and my mum has been over to help us today etc.

My baby is great throughout the day, he is so chilled and feeds well sleeps etc. However, the past 2 nights at home he just will not settle at all. No matter what I do, feed him, change him, burp him etc the second we put him down in his next to me crib / moses basket he just cries. He stops crying if you pick him up and cuddle him but that means absolutely no sleep for us.

My partner has just taken him downstairs to settle him and spend the night so that I can get some rest in bed but I feel awful. I am so overwhelmed and don’t know how I am going to cope with it all. I know it’s only been 2 nights but I am dreading the evenings as it is so difficult, the hot weather is not helping matters either.

I just don’t know what to do, I am crying so much thinking about life before and how it will never be normal again. I would love to hear others experiences and for someone to tell me that it gets better I

OP, I know it’s hard when you are in the midst of it but he is still so little. Kindly, you are going to have lots of ups and downs with sleep for the next few months/years so need to adjust expectations and find coping mechanisms. It will get better but there will be sleep regressions/teething to contend with.

do you co-sleep with him? I found that the best way to settle mine and snatch a few hours.

Can you afford some maternity nurse/ night nanny help?

this could be really beneficial as not only will they care for bub overnight so you can get some sleep, but they will be able to advise you on things that have helped with other babies they’ve cared for, or help you put into place some strategies to make it easier

Thank you so much everyone, the comments really do mean a lot. Since I made this thread I have found it very comforting to hear others experiences and it has made me feel less alone.

To answer a few questions:
I can’t make my partner take him for a drive etc during the night as he has now gone back to work, so I have said that I will do the night feeds so that he can sleep as he has a physical job.

Somebody mentioned how I shouldn’t be in a lot of pain, I should have added that I had an emergency c section but there was some complications so I had to have something repaired during the operation which means even more pain, although we’re nearly 3 weeks on now and physically I am feeling A LOT better thankfully

I am not breastfeeding, we are being Aptimil formula and he really seems to like it. He finishes most of his bottles and seems to get along with the formula that we are using.

I’m not sure what’s happened last night, but he has been screaming since 6am. I’ve barely slept last night and usually he’s great in the days, but today i can’t soothe him at all. He will not be put down, and he is hysterically crying even after being fed changed burped etc, it’s so hard as I don’t know what more I can do!

If you can’t soothe him, put him down and walk away and have a cup of tea. And text your mum / ring your midwife /GP and tell them how you are feeling.

What time does your partner leave for work? He could get up with baby at say 5, take them for an hour or two so you can get some sleep. Alternatively - they do the first bit of the night until 11/12 so you can bank some sleep early. Unless they are a pilot or a brain surgeon then it’s not unreasonable to share the load in these early days, especially as you aren’t bf! Please don’t under estimate the physicalness of what you are doing, recovering, looking after the baby. Especially if you can’t rest during the day as baby is so unsettled!
not having a go - I’m sure your partner is brilliant but it’s easy to say they work so they sleep. It’s not that simple - if you don’t ever get sleep/ a breather with an unsettled baby your mh can plummet quickly. I hope you have someone to reach out to today to help!

He's 3 weeks. The horrible crying stage had only just really started for us at 3 weeks.

It gets worse. I only say this so you can brace yourself.

So much screaming, peaks at 6 weeks on average, and then settles by 10-12 weeks.

I'm still traumatised.

I did have to leave my baby in his cot and leave the room a few times as I couldn't cope anymore.

Very common unfortunately.

I would never admit it in real life, but I came very close to shaking my baby around 3-4 weeks.

I remember pacing around the room and thinking about all those leaflets and realising I can easily turn into a monster too.

I never felt like that again after 6-7 weeks mark.

He's a gorgeous 1 year old now.

You are not alone in feeling this way, I promise. You will get through this and every other challenging stage too - it might be hard but you don't have to do it alone.

PANDAS offer some excellent support services, if you're interested
https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Some stages are just about survival and everyone getting as much sleep as they can. If feels like it will last forever in the moment but I promise it won't. Just do what you need to do to stay sane right now!

Has he got any signs of milk allergy - red cheeks, eczema anything like that? He shouldn’t be crying constantly, he must be in discomfort. You could ring the health visitor for advice. Or try changing his milk - Kendamil is easy on the tummy ( someone who has never formula fed will be along to wag their finger and tell me all milks are the same - they aren’t. They all have the same nutritional profile but they aren’t all the same.)

I had to occasionally walk away from mine. They are now wonderful girls grown up with babies of their own. They have no recollection of how bad it was for me. No long term consequences.

I have a very strong recollection of 3 am trying to rock youngest to sleep, eldest crying in the other bedroom. My thought was to store this memory in case I ever thought it was a good idea to have another. I still thought about another but never got that wish. I am making up for it with grandbabies 30 yrs later.

OP you will get through this.

He is hysterically crying again and nothing I do is calming him down😭 I physically can’t live like this every night

Op, I remember feeling EXACTLY like you 23 years ago. Exactly. I was horrified at what I’d brought upon myself. You’re trying to find order within chaos at the moment. You crave it, but at the moment, it will just need to be one feed at a time. I promise you it does get better. Your baby has just come out of a safe, warm cosy space and doesn’t realise he’s not part of you. He feels strange and alone and that’s a sensation he doesn’t like. One thing that helped me was rocking with my baby in a rocking chair. It helped soothe me and I guess him as well.

take turns holding him. I found swaddling very helpful (especially good if your baby has a strong startle reflex). I’m sorry it’s so overwhelming. It’s ok to feel the way you do. Make sure you take yourself off and let your partner share the load so you can tag team your rest. Sending you strength op. It’s a hard transition.

Put him in the baby carrier and go walk outside. I know it's the middle of the night but it used to work with mine.

OP please do chat to the GP about silent reflux - my second had it and he drove me to madness with screaming. He was like a different baby on Omeprazole.

This isn't forever and it's going to be okay I promise.

It's very early days still. Promise it won't be forever even though those early weeks can feel it.

Have you tried tiger in tree hold? Only thing that settled mine. Also you're at prime age for growth spurts, lots of cluster feeding and just needing skin on skin contact. We always just spent the first few months taking turns to cuddle them. It's very short in the long run, a few months is nothing.

Feel free to ignore this but I would… Get the telly on, baby on you, skin to skin, tummy to tummy. See if this settles him. If so, he might just not like the dark and quiet.

Have you ever considered co sleeping? I know some people are totally against it but it totally saved my sanity…!

Sweetie, I went through this with all of mine.

Dont forget that he is adjusting to his new world, just as you are. Crying is his only method of communication.

This will pass, you WILL get through it. Take it from a mother of six, I promise this will get better my love xx

I'm sure this has been mentioned, but does he have a dummy?

Is he too hot, too cold? Still hungry?

Hi OP, I have a 4 week old 3rd baby so feel free to PM. My 1st had silent reflux and I could never put him down. Looking back he actually had CMPA and was reacting to the formula milk. Only realised when we were weaning him that he was allergic to cows milk. I've not read the full thread and I'm sure you've got really great advice on here already, but wasn't sure if you've seen GP. If it is milk related, you can ask to speak to the infant feeding specialists through your health visitor or refer to a dietician who can then check for allergies. Sending a virtual hug from here, really hoping you find out what's causing his crying.

We did co sleeping and didn’t have any problems
I’d definitely take the advice of others on here in case it’s reflux or possibly a dairy intolerance

but if it isn’t
id read up about Co sleeping and give it a go

the CMA website have a symptom checker for cows milk allergy which you can copy to show to your GP

Op, have you tried putting his downstairs bed upstairs - as you mentioned he’s better sleeping downstairs? My dd was so unsettled in her next to me as she hated all the space which woke her up somehow. She likes feeling more closed in in her Moses basket. So sorry you’ve had a difficult time. I used to put my dd down and have to walk away for a few moments when it got really bad. That’s ok.

I do agree though that it sounds like something else perhaps like an allergy. Changing up bottles can help too. Tommee Tipper and Dr Browns worked for us.

Hi op I just wanted to give a handhold, my little boy is 4 weeks 11 days and about 2 weeks ago I felt exactly the same as you, but he's improving every single day.

My girl 2 years ago was a very different story and at 6 weeks was diagnosed with cmpa. Once we got her on prescription formula she was a different baby sleeping for decent stretches.

Like you I had a traumatic csection with her, couldn't walk for a long time and recovery was extremely painful. Be kind to yourself and don't listen to people saying you should be doing xyz by now. It's individual. Fwiw my second c section with DS has been a walk in the park and I cannot believe how different the experience is this time around.

My advice for the immediate future - reach out to your health visitor asap to assess baby. Check for allergies and push for support. Also reach out to any family available and get them to help u. It's a seriously short period of time and ime they're only too glad to help.

Dh and I looked after my girl in shifts. Whilst you attempting the whole night solo is commendable, I don't think it's sustainable. We ta g teamed it with both kids. Dh had them til midnight, then I took over til 5 then he took over until 8 when he left for work with DD my mum came over at 9am daily for her own "shift".

With DD My mum came over and spent a few nights in bed with me and baby, minding her whilst I slept. For all her faults I will never ever forget those nights where mum was with me. Best friends also came over and just held baby to give me a break.

This period feels like it'll last forever but in a few weeks time it'll be forgotten. You got this. Look after yourself. Buy all the chocolate and find some good audio books or TV shows and a decent pair of headphones to get you through the bad bits.

DM me if you need support in the trenches during the night.