So overwhelmed with newborn, handhold please

[zinrlow]

Posting here as I didn’t know where to post.

I am so overwhelmed and can’t stop crying. My beautiful little boy was born on Friday and I am finding the adjustment so difficult.

I had a very traumatic birth experience which ended in an emergency C section, so I am healing from that and am in extreme pain all while trying to settle in to motherhood and looking after a newborn.

I’m 28 and have an amazingly supportive partner who I’m so grateful for right now, my family are amazing also and my mum has been over to help us today etc.

My baby is great throughout the day, he is so chilled and feeds well sleeps etc. However, the past 2 nights at home he just will not settle at all. No matter what I do, feed him, change him, burp him etc the second we put him down in his next to me crib / moses basket he just cries. He stops crying if you pick him up and cuddle him but that means absolutely no sleep for us.

My partner has just taken him downstairs to settle him and spend the night so that I can get some rest in bed but I feel awful. I am so overwhelmed and don’t know how I am going to cope with it all. I know it’s only been 2 nights but I am dreading the evenings as it is so difficult, the hot weather is not helping matters either.

I just don’t know what to do, I am crying so much thinking about life before and how it will never be normal again. I would love to hear others experiences and for someone to tell me that it gets better I

Bedsharing saved us!! Makes breastfeeding - and sleeping - soooo easy.

We do the safe sleep 7 guidelines and it’s brilliant. The (few) times I tried to make my baby sleep in the snuzpod I was a sleep deprived mess and hated my life - how do people do it?? With bedsharing we all get a great night’s sleep thankfully.

Good luck with baby and your recovery OP!

It will get easier, first few weeks are a real endurance test ♥️

Thank you everybody, it was a really tough night last night. We do swaddle him and he seems to like it, but there’s always a period in the night where he just screams and screams for no apparent reason which makes me feel so stressed and helpless. He is an absolute dream throughout the day, he feeds, gets changed and sleeps but through the night he is like a different baby. I’m dreading tonight already x

Split the nights! Me and DH would do half the night each, Dh would go to bed at about 7ish and wake up at midnight/1am to take over. Then I would sleep 1am to 6/7 ish. That way we both got at least 5 hours uninterrupted sleep and if baby needed holding all night then it was no issue.

I remember these days well with my first, so very normal, you’re doing really well. One thing that helped me when I had the night time dread was just to stay downstairs and put something good on Netflix. We had a Moses basket in the lounge I used. They at about 4am I’d swap with DH - that way I could just count down until 4am and not stress about trying to sleep. Not a solution long term but I found it just helped in those early days.

We did this, though we were also doing mixed feeding which helped. I would say be guided by the baby, who will start to develop his own routine over the next days and weeks, and do whatever you need and don't do whatever can wait. My husband did most of the housework as I recovered from my C section. We had piles of muslins and changing bits and pieces everywhere and all guests had to bring me a cup of tea and (if I was hungry) some toast or a sandwich which all of them were very happy to do.

The only thing I would add is that I wasn't in extreme pain once I got home and it would be worth speaking to your GP about that because being in extreme pain is going to make everything else much harder x

This is exactly what we did for the first few weeks, wasn’t nice but it was effective, baby just didn’t want to be put down, which was fine and to be expected.

I feel for you OP, I found those early weeks so hard, hang in there, find something that works for your family unit and you will get through it together ❤️

Thanks all, you don’t understand how much I appreciate these comments, it makes me feel a lot less alone❤️ I think tonight we will split it, he will only settle downstairs we’ve tried having him up in the bedroom with us twice now and it just hasn’t gone to plan. I’m just worrying that he will never settle upstairs and that me and my OH are going to never be able to sleep in the same bed again 😢

We did split nights for 3 months (DH works part time, so I only had to do full solo nights for 2 nights a week), but could've easily stopped earlier. At 3 months DD was sleeping through with maybe 1 wake up between 7-6.

Honestly those nights downstairs by myself cuddling DD are some of my favourite memories of the newborn stage.

The days are long but the months are short! In a matter of weeks the sleep will be completely different. Just prioritise sleep for everyone right now and don't focus on the long term.

Congratulations on your new baby. Accept all the help you get offered. DMil came to stay when DT’s were born and she was a lifesaver. She did some of the night feeds, cooked, made up bottles, came out for daily walks with us - stopped me panicking!

Yes, putting them down will do that. You basically have to hold them for about 4 months. If you can do this they eventually learn they are completely safe and begin to self-soothe.

Mine will go to sleep on the playmat after a session and I am able to put her there for up to an hour while I work.

I spent 4 months with her on me. We co-sleep and I have my arm under her all night and wake as soon as she does, but at 4m she does not wake any longer in the night and sleeps from 9pm to 7am.

We all want the same thing: a baby who can self-soothe, but you cannot teach someone to self-soothe. We begin to self-soothe when we know we are safe.

So, hold, hold, hold, feed, feed, feed, and help your baby gain secure attachment earlier then you will if you keep trying to make them sleep alone.

Just wanted to also add (as others have) that it does get better. Honestly, the first few weeks are a huge adjustment and everything feels like chaos. I had two emergency c-sections and remember the awful pain during recovery, plus horrible breast pain. Trying to recover when completely sleep deprived and also looking after a new baby is completely exhausting. You're also trying to establish breastfeeding, or if bottle feeding, assembling/washing bottles, sterilisers etc can seem overwhelming.

It's hard now but it will improve, I promise. Take any support you can and rest as much as possible. It will get easier.

You definitely don’t have to hold them for 4 months. Life goes on. They sleep in their cot , in the playpen or in their buggy when you’re out. There was no way I could have held DT’s for 4 months

I’ve managed to get quite a bit of sleep today so feeling better ready for tonight, I’ll try and hold him for longer to prevent the screaming. I just find it so hard when he’s uncontrollably screaming as I don’t know what to do to calm him! It’s strange that he will go down in his Moses basket for 4 hours in the day and sleep soundly, but just won’t do it in the night?!

Maybe not all the time but most naps, except the morning one, were contact naps for us until 4.5 months really. And mine had bad reflux so for the first 6 weeks he only sleep upright on our chest as otherwise he was in tremendous amount of discomfort and would just scream in pain.

With twins I guess you have to cope somehow but that's a different scenario and you have to be an absolute super mum!!!!

It does get better. Mine also screamed and screamed, from about 7pm -11pm he would SCREAM unless I put him in the baby carrier on me and went outside.

Outdoors are your friend. Even if it's 9pm and dark, outdoors settle them instantly.

Best parenting advice I ever got was put them in water or take them outside. Almost always works.

Even now he's 1, if he's moody, I take him outside. Instantly better.

Yeah newborns will be weird like that. Make sure to expose him to lots of natural light first thing in the morning and also afternoon. He'll learn eventually.

I know some people have lovely settled newborns but many, many don't.

Nothing prepares you for the relentless sleep deprivation.

I ended up with 3 like this! yes, glutton for punishment! It will improve.

This really brings back memories! It sounds like the dreadful colic my DS had. To this day we talk about the one night when DH got home from work at 6pm (DS already screaming his head off), got changed, put DS in the sling and walked up and down our apartment for the equivalent of 3.5 miles. It wasn’t a big apartment AT ALL! He just needed the milk to settle, to be upright, to be in motion, to be close to a human body. Tbh he’s always been the huggiest and cuddliest of our DC.

It will pass OP. It absolutely sucks when you’re in the middle of it. Every day seems like a year. It’s boring and monotonous and repetitive and mind-numbing. Your whole life is dedicated to keeping this tiny human alive! But it won’t last. Think about it: how many babies out and about in the world have you seen to cry like yours does at night?

The benchmarks are traditionally 6 weeks/40 days, then 3 months, then 4 months, then 6 months all being well. Some things will get easier, some things will get harder, new things will crop up, some things will drop off without you realising (such as the last time you ever pick your child up 😭). That’s pretty much your future for the rest of your active parenting life! But it’s def max intensity now until around 3yo, then again at some point in its teens. But you don’t have to think about that just yet!

Hi all, thank you so much for the lovely comments. I’ve read them all and they have provided so much comfort and reassurance, they’ve made me feel less alone as it can feel like you’re the only one going through this can’t it!

I have been giving him infacol over the past week in the hopes to settle him (instructed by my midwife) and they seem to have worked. I don’t want to tempt fate but for the last 5 nights he has been great, waking every 4 hours for a bottle but after drinking it, a nappy change and a burp he is straight back down to sleep for the next four hours. I’m assuming that he may have had colic / gas / wind which was making him uncomfortable and causing the screaming. I’ve managed to get a lot more sleep over the past few nights so am feeling a lot more positive x

I was working from home in bed with mine on my lap for the first 4 months. She was then too big and sat beside me. I miss it already. She sleeps by me dead on 9pm all through since 3 months and wakes up to feed and that's it. I'm just curious why people do this type of stuff to themselves. My baby crying grates on my ears and I can't stand it. I never let it occur for more than 2 seconds.

I didn’t want our DT’s sleeping in our bed so every night they slept in their cot. At six months we moved them into separate rooms.

So glad things have improved a bit for you OP. It’s an awful shock to the system at first, you have my sympathy there! Sometimes i looked at my eldest as a newborn and considered just running away. It felt like i’d have that tiny dependent crying little baby needing me 24/7 for 18 years but of course it’s not like that and things very quickly improve. If you can get a little bit of time out of the house without your baby it can help you feel human again. Just a quick trip to the shop or a short walk or something.

OP you need to cut yourself some slack.

It's very early days and you are still finding your feet, throw in sleep deprivation, pain and hormones to the mix, it's no wonder you are feeling like this.

Make use of the people around you. Talk to them, tell them what you need and take your time healing and getting to know your baby.

Your going to be just fine x

Things have taken a turn again, he has been up all night screaming. I change his nappy (which is so stressful as he screams) then 5 mins later he needs changing again. He’s been fed, burped, changed, cuddled and he still hysterically screams. I am physically and emotionally exhausted and don’t think I can cope with this, how do people get through it? There is absolutely no enjoyment in life for me right now and I’m struggling to see that there ever will be