So overwhelmed with newborn, handhold please

[zinrlow]

Posting here as I didn’t know where to post.

I am so overwhelmed and can’t stop crying. My beautiful little boy was born on Friday and I am finding the adjustment so difficult.

I had a very traumatic birth experience which ended in an emergency C section, so I am healing from that and am in extreme pain all while trying to settle in to motherhood and looking after a newborn.

I’m 28 and have an amazingly supportive partner who I’m so grateful for right now, my family are amazing also and my mum has been over to help us today etc.

My baby is great throughout the day, he is so chilled and feeds well sleeps etc. However, the past 2 nights at home he just will not settle at all. No matter what I do, feed him, change him, burp him etc the second we put him down in his next to me crib / moses basket he just cries. He stops crying if you pick him up and cuddle him but that means absolutely no sleep for us.

My partner has just taken him downstairs to settle him and spend the night so that I can get some rest in bed but I feel awful. I am so overwhelmed and don’t know how I am going to cope with it all. I know it’s only been 2 nights but I am dreading the evenings as it is so difficult, the hot weather is not helping matters either.

I just don’t know what to do, I am crying so much thinking about life before and how it will never be normal again. I would love to hear others experiences and for someone to tell me that it gets better I

Ohh lovely, handhold! I must have searched for posts like this through the early hours for weeks when my son was a newborn (he’s nearly 7 months now)
I also had an emergency c section, 5 weeks early and was not ready at all, and it was a big shock. We was in hospital for 5 days then upon coming out it felt like my world flipped, I couldn’t put him down for even a second or he screamed and screamed, I even went back on my antidepressants 2 weeks PP because I was struggling so bad with anxiety! I ended up investing in a good sling which was a god send when he was tiny! I just stuck him in that and got on with my day!!! He also hated his bassinet so we didn’t go out for weeks 🥲 It does get better, I remember thinking omg he’s gonna be like this forever … but it DOES pass even though it feels like it never will, and your baby will smile at you and laugh everyday soon, and you’ll forget about these days, hang in there ❤️❤️

also this might seem obvious but as a FTM I was clueless but my son hated being on his back and would squirm and wriggle and scream and we
just didn’t know what it was, we obviously winded him all the time but turns out he was extra windy and we just wasn’t getting it all up so he always had trapped wind and that’s why he was so uncomfortable, when we figured that out he was like a different baby

ps let your husband take him as much as he offer so you can rest my husband also did this for me so from 5am it was his turn and I got a couple hours sleep every day it was a god send, and actually we still do this because my son wakes at the crack of dawn! He still wakes 3-4x a night but it’s manageable now because I know he just wants a cuddle or milk, he doesn’t scream when he wakes now just fusses!

Try putting something with your smell near to him when you try to lay him down. Something that imitates a heartbeat, white noise machine, bath then lay in the crib....most importantly give yourself a huge congrats....your baby has come into the world safe and sound, all is well. You are currently deep in the trenches and very soon it will pass. Take care of yourself.

During the day does baby sleep in the basket? Mistake we made was holding ds to sleep in day but expecting him to sleep at night in his basket.
Ds was a terrible sleeper, we tag teamed, dh did 7pm- 12am while i slept then I did 12am-8am. Dh was working too whereas I would name in day where possible

I felt exactly the same after my first, I now have 3. Everyone says the going from 1-2 was the hardest but I definitely found 0-1 the hardest by far. Life as you know it is out the window and you are having to adjust to a whole new life with hardly a wink of sleep.

I can assure you it does get easier, you will adjust and your baby will get into a routine eventually. Lot of people love the newborn stage but I hated it, I hated the unknown. I much preferred them being 6 months plus, I felt like I was just going back to work as I was starting to enjoy being a Mum.

There is a lot of pressure the enjoy this stage but for me it was just a case of getting through it and I 100% found it easier with the following 2.

I had my two over 20 years ago but I so remember the shock of the reality of a newborn! It does a number on you at first but you gradually get used to the baby’s presence (often a very loud one!) and soon, you and your newborn will adjust to each other. I remember giving my DD her last bottle at 10 pm, after which I’d go to bed. Four hours later, she’d cry to be fed, so up I would get. Then both of us slept until she’d cry again at around 5; H would give her a bottle before he went to work. So I got a chance to sleep until the next feed. Then we discovered that a bottle of formula kept her full for longer than a breastfeed so that is what we did for DH’s morning routine. Alternating between breast and formula worked wonders.

Everything will get better OP. I was so overwhelmed with my first after an early and traumatic birth but it's a distant memory now. My second is 7 weeks old and I'd forgotten what the early days are like.

Don't put any pressure on yourself. If you're up half the night holding baby, have a snack and put a box set on. Sleep in the day when baby is calmer and more settled. Don't put any expectations on yourself to get out and about at this stage, just get by day to day. I promise it'll soon pass.

Something I discovered with my second is that she hates the next to me crib and won't settle in it at night. It must be too big and open because when we lie her in the much smaller pram bassinet (which is approved for overnight sleep thank goodness), she sleeps like a dream so thought I'd mention. It's strange that night time is so different to the day for babies, but we're the same. You're still learning and it's a steep curve but like others have said it's survival mode for now. It'll soon pass and things will get easier. Congratulations on your new arrival x

Oh this was me. I remember sitting in on the sofa at 3am thinking "we've ruined our lives". That first few weeks is intense. Also you are right in the middle of a shift in hormones that makes you feel like the world is ending. It gets better.

It always seemed really unfair that pregnancy and birth absolutely wipe you out before the incredible physical and mental challenge of being a mother to a newborn.

I still remember the horror on my husbands face when he realised that even if you meet every single need the baby has (change, feed, burp, cuddle etc) they can still keep crying or not fall asleep. Keep your expectations low and just get through each day/night. Sleep where you can, dont try to do anything during the day that gets in the way of you sleeping.

Also, practically, we discovered a three hour block of uninterrupted sleep is what you need to feel like you can survive the day. Even if one of you is working you can manage if the first person goes to bed at 7-8pm. It sucks to lose your evenings but it doesn't last forever.

Night 2 is famously awful, so that's totally normal, I promise. I remember with both of my children feeling like they were broken at night for about the first 6-8 weeks. But it does get better and there's always someone ready and willing to listen, on here if not in real life - reach of for support, ignore people who think they have all the answers and try to be gentle on yourself - you've just grown a whole new person!!x

Co-sleep! If done safely its the best and most natural way.

Oh sweetheart, please don’t worry. This is totally normal and you’re at the beginning while recovering from a bad birth while your hormones go nuts.

It will calm down and in a few months you’ll enjoy yourself. Just keep asking for help, call your GP or health visitor if you need to and sleep whenever you can.

My DS will be 9 this week. I remember this time 9 years ago SO WELL. It was AWFUL.

Day 5 is the worst, hormones wise. It will settle.

Don’t expect newborns to have rules and routines. When they’re a few months old there will be rules - eg baby needs sleep at 7, so if not fed at 6 and burped at 6:30 it will cry to tell me. Right now there are no such rules - they sleep whenever and cry whenever.

In the end we coslept. Look up safe cosleeping- no blanket, no pillow, hair tied up, basically nothing that can smother baby. You already have a Next to me - use that so that your body and babies body are really touching full length. If you’re breastfeeding, try feeding lying down - it takes a bit of practice but will help.

Oh love - I really hope all these wise and wonderful responses are helping you.
Everyone is different obviously but now you can see that, for many, many people - it's hard. Horribly hard.
I'm one of the 'thought I'd ruined my life' crew.
I really did - lots of people do, though less actually admit it.
But, what is important is that it WILL get better (if it didn't, no one would have more than one child).
Meanwhile - you can survive on very little sleep ('survive' is key here - it IS survival mode BUT it's not the rest of your life I promise).
'Advice wise' - literally just keep going, take any help offered, sleep whenever you can, even just 30 mins during the day, forget housework etc etc.
I could go on, but I won't.
Things will improve.
I'll be thinking of you, as will lots of other people who have posted - it's not a time of life any of us forget in a hurrry!
Good Luck

Ok firstly- it gets better! Secondly, your milk is coming in right about now which means a massive hormone rush- causes big emotions. Thirdly the sleep gets better, it really does. If you’re breastfeeding, look into safe cosleeping and safe sleep 7 as it’s a lot safer than accidentally falling asleep while feeding. If you’re formula feeding, do shifts with DH. It’s really hard at the start but you will come through it. It does get easier I promise.

Hello, congratulations on your new baby! I also had an emergency c section & was really sore & tired. My baby also didnt want to be put down ever, what did help was white noise if she really needed to be in her crib & a magical invention called Rockit which vibrated the crib & simulated me rocking her. As your partner is off work & supportive I would fully encourage you to do split shifts, it means everyone gets a proper sleep! But also, in the end I chose to try & embrace it, put on a series, cuddled my baby & tried to enjoy the night times. I too felt completely overwhelmed & honestly like I had made a terrible decision to be a mum - she's 12 now & it's been wonderful, I wouldn't change it for the world.

This is all completely normal OP, however I know that doesn’t make it any easier when you’re in it.

I have been exactly where you are (28, emergency c section and supportive partner!) and it does get better, you’re doing great!

It is so hard trying to recover from major surgery and have a baby that doesn’t want to be put down, remember you have been their safe space for 9 months, all nicely tucked in and warm - the world a scary place for them now. Take it in turns with your partner, try and soak in and enjoy the cuddles, this stage feels like a long time but it will be over in a blink of an eye. I promise it does get better! x

Hugs - for whatever sort of night you have.
Thinking of you xxx

Thank you all for the lovely and helpful comments, I’ve read them all. I’m really struggling tonight, he had his feed at 11pm and has been crying since. He’s had a nappy change and been burped but I just can’t seem to calm him down. This is so hard

Bless you. Congratulations on your precious baby. I promise you it does get better, and your husband sounds like a wonderful help and support.
I used to sit for hours just staring at the wonder and preciousness perfection of my children. Take all the help you need from family, this is a special time.

My babies didn't like to be out down at this stage either. I remember falling asleep holding them..maybe even just a split second and then jolting awake. Or waking and panicking because I wasn't holding them but had put them down and then fallen asleep sat up. The tiredness is unbelievable. Especially after my first because I had a long labour and lots of blood loss so was totally exhausted, anaemic and on naproxen which was making me feel a bit odd too.

You can do this. Take turns with your partner to hold the baby in another room so you can get some sleep. Or send your partner to sleep on the sofa and just sleep with your baby next to you on the bed, it's too warm for duvets anyway.

I know it'd hard and the nights feel so long but your baby is probably wanting to cluster feed to encourage more milk.

Tomorrow you could try feeding then passing baby to your partner at about 7pm whole you go to bed and sleep. If they could cuddle baby for 3 or 4 hours it should help you get enough sleep to cope with the rest of the night.

He could be colicky, maybe try more winding...this technique is good https://www.instagram.com/reel/C96kIe7p0-U/?igsh=MW45a3d0eWlrdGRxMA==

Or some white noise.

I read your OP and was catapulted back 12 and a half years when my first born was only a few of days old. I remember my husband being downstairs at midnight talking a shift with her while I tried to get some sleep in our bed until our agreed change over of 4am (we were genuinely doing 4 hour shifts through the night-crazy!!!!). I vividly remember pulling the quilt over myself and then being overwhelmed with panic and upset that this was how it would be forever. I would never have another independent thought or action, I would never be able to just spend time with my husband, or leave the house or go to bed without first having some ridiculous plan. In many ways, that was true, suddenly someone else is the first thought before you are but it does get better and despite all the advice you'll get from everyone and everywhere else, you'll find your family's groove. That's not to minimise your feelings tonight, my God, those early days are killers. My first daughter was about 6 weeks old in Easter 2013 and I still call it 'Bad Friday' 😂 Be kind to yourself and keep talking. We've all been where you are x

I could have written this in the first few weeks after having my first baby. You are in shock and experiencing the biggest hormone crash imaginable right now so please be kind to yourself. What you are feeling is completely normal and I promise it will get better day by day. Continue to accept all the support you can from your partner and your family and prioritise sleeping whenever possible (day or night) and drinking and eating even if you don't feel like it. Do speak to your health visitor about how you are feeling, that will reassure you what you are feeling is normal and that there is support available if you still feel this way in a few weeks.
For tonight, put some headphones in so you can't hear baby and partner and try and sleep. If you cant drift off download the Headspace app and do some guided breathing or similar to try and bring down your cortisol levels and rest even if you can't sleep- it will help. Xxx

Sending solidarity and hugs. My little girl is 2.5 weeks old and nights are tough. Although it does get better. My baby is my third and it’s still hard. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. Xx

This is so hard. My baby was also really unsettled & cried a lot, so much so that my friends still talk about it now - 12 years on. I thought she had colic but now in hindsight I realise she probably had silent reflux. It was horrendous & I hated every minute of it. (The constant crying) to make matters worse, I work in paediatrics & everyone used to call me the baby whisperer - I could settle anyone's crying baby - apart from my own. I now realise her crying wasn't normal but everyone just told me babies cry. Things that did help - putting her down & going outside for a couple of minutes, really reset me to be able to deal with it fresh, noise cancelling headphones so I could still cuddle/rock her without hearing the screaming, white noise for her, swaddling & constant movement. She liked to be in her car seat & it was because she was more upright- laying her flat was a no go. (Again clearly signs of silent reflux but I was so tired & broken & nobody took me seriously) . Hopefully you've just had one bad night OP but these things all saved my sanity. I was also on my own with her which was difficult. I really really recommend a Rockit if its within your budget and your baby likes to be moved, it clips on to the pram/crib and just vibrates it a little bit to keep them asleep.

Have you tried Swaddling?