So overwhelmed with newborn, handhold please

[zinrlow]

Posting here as I didn’t know where to post.

I am so overwhelmed and can’t stop crying. My beautiful little boy was born on Friday and I am finding the adjustment so difficult.

I had a very traumatic birth experience which ended in an emergency C section, so I am healing from that and am in extreme pain all while trying to settle in to motherhood and looking after a newborn.

I’m 28 and have an amazingly supportive partner who I’m so grateful for right now, my family are amazing also and my mum has been over to help us today etc.

My baby is great throughout the day, he is so chilled and feeds well sleeps etc. However, the past 2 nights at home he just will not settle at all. No matter what I do, feed him, change him, burp him etc the second we put him down in his next to me crib / moses basket he just cries. He stops crying if you pick him up and cuddle him but that means absolutely no sleep for us.

My partner has just taken him downstairs to settle him and spend the night so that I can get some rest in bed but I feel awful. I am so overwhelmed and don’t know how I am going to cope with it all. I know it’s only been 2 nights but I am dreading the evenings as it is so difficult, the hot weather is not helping matters either.

I just don’t know what to do, I am crying so much thinking about life before and how it will never be normal again. I would love to hear others experiences and for someone to tell me that it gets better I

Have you tried a dummy?

@beccahamletyes, he just spits it out

Really sorry you're having such a tough time. It will get better. Honestly.

@beccahamlet thank you so much, I really hope so 😔

Oh man that sounds so tough - have been there and whilst I can say it definitely gets better in the moment that won’t help! How is he in the car? Can your partner take him out for a drive for 45 mins? Just give you a chance to take a breath, have a cup of tea in peace?

Sending you so much love and a virtual cuddle. It’s so hard with a new baby, sleep deprivation and coping with constant crying. My second baby is 16 weeks now - I hated the initial postpartum phase.

Sorry if this has been suggested - do you have a next to me crib that allows you to elevate one side so that he isn’t lying completely flat?

Also agree with PP above - can your partner take him out for a drive if that settles him, or even walk him around in the pushchair downstairs to give you a breather?

Oh my gosh reading this takes me straight back to the newborn trenches and my heart really goes out to you. It can be really awful and lonely.

You're doing an amazing job being there for your baby through this, you're in it together!

Xxx

Oh and just seen the PP mentioned raising the cot at one end if it allows - 'd completely forgotten my newborn spent 3 months sleeping at an angle, worked a treat. I'm sure someone else would have suggested the tummy rubs and leg movements to help him fart too xxx

OP I’ve read all your posts, goodness I remember those days with my twins. What you describe reminds me so much of one of them; the very short story is that he has silent reflux and the wheels always seemed to fall off at night. Try and get some videos of the crying / discomfort he’s in and call your GP first thing. We tried Gaviscon first which helped a bit and then Colief which was our absolute game changer in the end. And it was short lived - he grew out of it when we weaned him. Apologies if I’ve missed it but is he on breastmilk or formula?

Good luck OP, it feels like the end of the world and my goodness what an adjustment it is bringing a newborn home. I promise you this doesn’t last. Xx

You shouldn’t be in excruciating pain. I would revisit your pain management with your doctor.

That was me 42 years ago! I was even panicking in hospital before I left and was completely overwhelmed when I got home. I had no idea what to do with a baby. My DH returned to work immediately and DM wasn't at all interested and didn't visit. And you've had the C-section on top of everything else! Be gentle with yourself. Take all the help you're offered, get as much rest as you can, and be reassured that it's just perfectly normal to feel as you do. It's such a huge upheaval and nothing prepares us for it. Things WILL get better. The good times WILL come.

Bless you I remember the shock of it all with my first. It must be so hard with TikTok and instagram etc with all this content out there telling you how to prepare for a baby and decorate the nursery etc and then reality hits hard. My advice is try and see each night independently from the next - you had a little run of great nights which is amazing and it’s gone to shit tonight - that doesn’t mean you’ve gone back to day 1. Your baby is learning and adapting and all they have right now is crying to tell you what’s going on. I know it’s so hard at the moment but try and think logically - it won’t always be like this because your baby won’t always be a couple of weeks old. Your baby will get older and stronger and you will be more experienced and the bad nights become fewer and farther between. I Co slept with mine it might be worth a try - have a read on how to do it safely. Xxx

This is so normal and this phase will pass so quickly. Get a baby carrier like Ergo Embrace, I have found Baby Bjorn bouncer chairs great with all my babies and I have tried many (5 section babies)- look into elevating the head side of the cot a bit sometimes babies have silent reflux that wakes them up distressed.

@zinrlow if it makes you feel any better my 12 week old who is normally pretty good at sleeping through the night was up at what felt like every hour last night. Maybe it’s something in the air? Fingers crossed we all have a better night tonight…

I have a 19m and almost 4y. Skin to skin and having baby sleep on me worked for us. Yes, I know not recommended. But. It. Worked. 🤷‍♀️

OP sending love and solidarity- those first few weeks can be a right shock to the system. You’ve been through a lot and it is normal to feel overwhelmed. As many people have said it’s a phase - whilst you’re in it it is impossible to think of life being any different but they’re learning how to be in this world and it takes time. Be kind to yourself, accept as much help from family / partner , split the nights (sounds like already doing). Sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong babies - just cry.

Some practical tips -

1)if worried about gas - make sure you burp him / keep him upright for a good half an hour after feeds - may or may not help.
2)If it’s always when he is put down that he cries could be reflux - can ask midwives / GP re whether some baby gaviscon may help?
3)you may have to be persistent with dummy or try different size/ shape teats. He’s still so young just because he’s refusing now doesn’t mean he always will and in my experience they were a game changer to help with soothing ij those early days
4) As both
@Unicornsandprincesses and @Mumtobabyhavoc have said CO-SLEEP CO-SLEEP CO-SLEEP! Again another game changer for me. If you’re worried about it - look at lullaby trust for info on safe co-sleeping or speak to health visitor - mine was extremely pro co-sleeping. Happy to answer any questions yoj have about it if you DM me.

5)all your feelings are valid and normal at this stage. I also used to dread the nights sometimes and sleep deprivation remember is a form of torture (and that’s sleep deprivation without looking after a newborn) If you feel persistently thay you’re not getting any enjoyment / anxious please please please speak to health visitor - they can offer you support.

moo sorry I didn’t catch if you were bottle or bf but if bf there should be local infant feeding support near you where you can check the latch is ok and he’s getting enough at each feed to exclude hunger.

you are doing an amazing job ! We’re all rooting for you , congratulations on your beautiful sleep thief!

Oh bless you, you were posting in the dark hours, they’re always so difficult to start with.

The sun has risen now and it will feel better.

I know it’s tough to start, what an awful birth you had as well. But it will get better.

Please you and your partner sleep during to day, phones off, sign on door, no visitors and rest as much as you can.

Accept all help of food and give people your laundry and shopping lists.

This will pass.

Bless you, it is hard. I am a granny of two babies and spending time with my daughters reminds me how hard that newborn phase is. I always felt so helpless because when they cry you don’t know why. Just when you think they have cracked learning how to settle at night - damn something changes. It WILL get better.

The first question is if baby is gaining weight. That is the way you can tell if they are getting enough food. That is something the health visitor can talk about. Reflux can be a factor for some babies. Again another question for the health visitor.

Some babies do take longer to learn to settle and you have to share sleep opportunities with your partner. One walks around holding the baby and tries to calm them. The other has a couple of hours Power Nap.

I hope that your mum is still able to help - maybe keep on top of the washing up, tackle the pile of washing, clean your bathrooms. You have had major surgery and a big hormonal upheaval. Be kind to yourself. Your baby will sense if you are stressed, it makes them stressed. That cycle is hard to break. Keep talking to and singing to your baby. What you talk about is irrelevant, it could be just about the shape of the clouds or what you ate for lunch - your baby likes the sound of your gentle voice. Nursery rhymes and songs are rhythmic and babies like that.

Just keep taking it one day at a time and baby will learn to sleep. All of a sudden he will start to smile at you and you will realize what wonderful parents you are.

It's very difficult to say this because no matter what you say it sounds like a judgement.. put them down in their cot/bed side sleeper/co sleeping everything sounds like you're doing it wrong, FWIW I co slept but only because that's what worked for us, it's all so individual & I only had him to worry about

@zinrlow you aren't, you are doing wonderfully! You've had major surgery, I can't imagine how differently it would have been for me had I had a c-sec let alone an emergency one, christ even straight forward birth is traumatic & you have support, use it as much as possible as you heal x please stop being so hard on yourself, you're just after coming through a traumatic event

Congratulations also x

Your little baby sounds completely normal, unfortunately! But you sound very depressed. Can you talk to your midwife or GP? Sounds like you might need some help. Post partum depression is very common but can be serious. Looking back, I should have asked for help but it felt like I should be focused on the baby. Please ask.

This sounds so hard. However, please believe us all when we say it's does get easier.

When ds2 was newbosrn he too slept throughout the day lovely, but not during the night. What worked for us was keeping a lamp on and the tv on low when we went to bed. I think he was so used to all the noise and chaos that happened throughout the day that the dead of night was just too silent. Even now at 20 he listens to podcasts throughout the night!

these playlists got us through during night feeds when I didn't have the head for podcasts..lots to choose from

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbxTs8aa_fU7BTFvyDMOzX3qJRGYeECUJ

i really really am so sorry to hear what you are going through. ds was like this as a newborn from day one. i had a c section too and was in hospital for a week. i just went to the toilet and could hear the cry down the corridor and i did think „yeah that can only be my little banshee screaming“ and i was right.

i swear he had some kind of a cot radar built into him. you could absolutely not put him on his back. in the end the only thing that helped a little was a weighted sleep sack that i only stopped using after i read them not being safe and was in absolute tears as it was back to square one. the only thing that did work then for the next four months after i snapped at dh it is that or we co-sleep (which he was a hard NO on because of safety) was the snoo. he outgrew the snoo but quickly transitioned to be more then happy to sleep next to us in our bed. i do think some babies are more highly strung then others but it does get better

Hi op. Congratulations! Your baby is less than a week old. The newborn stage is incredibly hard and overwhelming. Let the people who help you do as much as they can and keep telling yourself it gets better. I know it must be really hard especially with the c section but hang in there xx

It’s totally normal for your baby and you to feel these feelings, OP.

When your milk comes in, the hormonal shift that brings it also brings tears. God, how I cried. I also sobbed “What have we done?!” to DH, despite our DD being very much wanted. A dear friend had told me that becoming a mum would mean so many conflicted feelings, most of all in the early days, and I clung on to her words reminding myself it was normal to miss my old life when utterly exhausted.

I also had a CS - I’ve had both kinds, emergency and elective, and I felt like I’d been hit by a bus after the emergency one first time round but it didn’t last too long. Don’t be fobbed off with just paracetamol if it’s still painful when you run out of the stronger stuff.

Please tell your midwife/health visitor how you feel. Mine saw me for longer in both cases and it felt like such a handhold.