Hobby tainted

[Nicechianti]

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

I think some people have been really shitty with their replies. Fish keeping is a legitimate hobby, and one that requires a lot of time and effort. The 3 most important people in your life were mean and derisive, which would make anyone feel a bit sad at and ganged up on! If they do it again, I'd be tempted to tell them to F off and if they carry on they will be fish food, but that is the kind of joke my family would expect from me, obviously don't do that if it would sound unhinged from you!

What was the reason why the op jacked it in all the previous times?

Indeed it is a legitimate hobby

one that op has picked up and put down multiple times in the past.

I will be honest my DH drives me mad with his hobbies. Not because of what they are or how much he spends on them but because he doesn't shut up about them whilst he is doing them. So for example if his current hobby was collecting stamps he would be sending me pics of them , telling me how much they are worth, what he is thinking of in terms of displaying them and so on. Then 4 weeks later he has got bored of stamp collecting and everything gets put to one side and the next hobby comes along. Then the next, then we are back to stamps again. I don't care about your hobbies I want you to enjoy them but I don't want to hear about them constantly. I don't want to have a mini break in the arse end of nowhere because they have a good stamp collecting shop in a village miles from anywhere else. I will cheerfully buy you gifts related to your current hobby for Xmas or birthday just don't let it become the focal point of your conversation the majority of the time

Did you watch 'Annika' last night OP ? the murder victim had a whole tank full of sharks in his (admittedly enormous) house. Just throwing that out there in case you really want to give your DH and kids something to complain about.!

Why didn’t you tell them not to speak to you in such a rude and hurtful way and end the discussion?

Apologies @Laxoverhols I didn't mean to quote you

Which is what differentiates a hobby from an obligation! You do it for fun, at your leisure - i.e. when you feel like it.

Your family is engaging in some good old fashioned sexism. Women’s hobbies tend to fall by the wayside so often because we always have to prioritize being wives and mothers with all of the responsibilities that come with those roles over our own free time. When life gets busy, our recreation quickly gets seen as a burden.

It is not an easy cycle to break. Your children are old enough for you to claw back some time for yourself. If you do not manage to stick to this hobby, it is not a personal failure. It just means you could not continue to balance all the competing requests for your time.

Virtually none lol in fact I’d wager no one on Mumsnet has ever been identifiable even if they did post what they were doing. You’d have to be extremely well known in a very small field

And how would a person set about starting this hobby ? Asking for a friend.

So basically it’s all incredibly harmless stuff?

Tell the kids to mind their own business. And tell your ex husband to back you up. Or at the very least he should be joining in with you to tell the kids to shut up.

🤣

Don't let go of something you find pleasure in. People do like to mock, especially in groups. Even family, like a gang mentality. Egging each other on. It can become cruel. Someone will always be the butt of a joke. I have learned to be private and don't discuss things as every one likes to have an opinion and gossip is like a currency in my family. Years ago, a relative mocking me for my reading choices.They just wanted to humiliate someone to feel better about them selves.
Trying to reason or discuss your feelings with your family will that have any impact? if not join online or local groups who share your enthusiasm. Its nothing to be shamed by. Everyone likes different things. Hobbies are there to be enjoyed. If you stop enjoying them as much, lots of people pick them up and start off again. It could be down to their immaturity with your kids being at that age they don't like to even stand next to parents for fear of being embarrassed.
Just do your hobby. Don't bother to talk to them about it as you know the response you get and look for your enthusiasm and sharing with like minded people.
Or you could go the other way. Next time they try to wind you up or disapprove of your hobby. Joke with them. Threaten to if they don't stop winding you up you will take it to another level and wear a conductors outfit and threaten to meet their friends at the door wearing it. Shouting all aboard!. The shock factor might make them back down. They know your sensitive about it.and that's why they do that. If they seem you aren't taking their comments seriously and just become more confident in your hobby and will give it back. It might stop. Your an adult. You can have as many trains as you want.
Which ever way is best for you. Don't give up what you enjoy. For fear of gossiping tongues or other opinions or that they like to judge you. I'm sorry you don't have the support you need. Be your own supporter

@Nicechianti You've suggested you only spend £4-8 on fish but then you said 'I was talking about the size of my next aquarium.' Do you get rid of the equipment each time?

But the op gets rid of these living beings
and then when she’s in the mood again… just buys more

we aren’t talking about knitting here

Multiple times the op has picked this hobby up and ran with it, and multiple times got bored and jacked it in.

And even these latest exchange makes her think she’ll jack it in and she hasn’t even restarted it!!

Even when it's living creatures that get picked up, got rid of, as long as it's fun for the hobbyist?

This is why context is important. I was on your side until you revealed that the hobby you start and stop involves live animals.

Getting a pet is a commitment. Knowingly buying fish that you're going to give away or swap when you lose interest is grim.

They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby,

I wonder how many times over the years the op has “given up said hobby” and disposed of the fish

Seriously? You don’t think that for someone many times to have got fish, cared for them, got the equipment etc and then got bored and jacked it in.

then restarted

then jacked in

rinse and repeat

Each time buying and then disposing of fish?

pokemon is quite popular, for me its magic the gathering cards. our local market trader seems more pokemon focused than magic but then again it does seem to do well.

I think the issue is that they have to listen to you blathering on about it when you are hyper-focused on the hobby. I can't imagine how annoying it would be to live with someone who thought I wanted to hear about their boring hobby 24/7.

My local fish shop is brilliant and will take back fish if my interest gradually wanes.

i wonder what this fish shop will think when they see the Op back. Yet again. To buy fish. Knowing that she’ll lose interest again and they will get the fish back.

well fish swapping is intriguing. altough id get attached to the fish

Maybe they don't approve of you blowing hot and cold on a hobby that involves live animals, and this is their way of trying to tell you that?