Hobby tainted

[Nicechianti]

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

Your teens have the emotional intelligence and life experience of lentils. Not singling them out for criticism at all but they're at an age where they're CONVINCED they know All The Things so it's not surprising they think they know more about hobbies than you do. Hopefully everyone's reactions today have helped you get to a place where you can tell them to wind their necks in next time they decide they're in a position to dictate how you spend your precious free time? If not tell them fine, but you expect to be able to do the same to them, and they can look forward to taking up their new hobbies of lacework, Wagner appreciation and vintage stamp collecting next weekend.

I'd have ethical concerns but that's not my business. If any of your family had etihical concerns, I'd get their commenting but they should still keep it polite.

🤣
It’s great! x

Thank you - I needed this and loved “lentils” x

I have only read all of your posts @Nicechianti, but I have read some of the other PPs and, of course, the ones you highlighted in your replies. I will probably be told that I am being far too dramatic here as well, by so many of the nasty Mumsnetters who have replied to you. I have unfallen tears in both my eyes, just thinking about you enthusiastically sharing with your loved ones about how you are returning to your hobby, and about the four new "trains" you intend buying; just for them to wipe out your pleasure in one fell swoop, with the equivalent to 3 hard slaps across your face!

I can just imagine your disappointment at your children's nasty behaviour, and your very real, and legitimate hurt, at your not so (D)H doing an invisible about turn, and siding with, and encouraging your children to behave so horribly. It almost seems as if he had warned your children - probably sarcastically - about Mum wanting to take up her hobby again, so that when you told them, (D)Dad had already wound them up? Is there any reason why your husband would be either jealous of your hobby, or jealous of the two hours at a time it would mean you weren't available for "houewifey duties", 🤢 or maternal duties (at your children's ages their need of you in day to day matters should be much decreased), or even "intimate wifely duties" 🤮

You have my utmost sympathy fellow chianti drinker, and please have no doubts about the fact that it is your miserable - at the moment, family, who are behaving very badly, and in the wrong here, not you! 🍷🍫🌺

I think your hobby being revealed does change things. I had fish for years but kept them as pets (literally lived nearly 15 years one of them) and just simple cold water but a huge tank and it needed alot of work to keep it in lovely conditions.

You're sounds a little like a fun science experiment for you in ways and I can totally see how interesting it'd be, almost like being a marine biologist for a while, but I can't really get past the exchanges and swapping, ebay and gumtree etc. Gumtree famously not ideal for giving or swapping or selling pets, do you vet the buyer and their set up at home? Seems a shame for the fish too, when you think about quarantine between set ups etc, passed about and changing their environment.

Just seems strange to be a pick up put down hobby but with living things, bur perhaps that's just me!

Is it Lego?

Your username, paired with a discussion of 'hobbies', really gives one pause.

Reef tanks - you are brave and so rewarded with the beautiful colours!
Freshwater for me. I’d love cichlids again but won’t have a tank large enough. Rasboras and shrimps and a corydoras army for me 🥰

Agree, how could you spend so long caring for them, looking after them and every now and then look at them and you 'meh wee fishy...you bore me, off you go to Gumtree to a random'...

Sorry, @Nicechianti, I missed your 'fishy' update while I was one finger phone typing my reply above. When I was a girl my brother had a tank of tropical fish, they were mesmerising... 😁 🐠 💦 🩵

I have just realised that I might have typed my first response to you after one of those "false" "trending" messages we get half way down the page, because I thought I was replying to you after only one or two pages 🙈

OP, I clearly remember the day I told my family, Sunday lunch, that I'd booked horse riding lessons. I'd always wanted to learn, I was so excited. Everyone laughed at me, went on about the expense, why on earth I wanted to do it, bet it won't last ........
If anything, it fuelled my fire. I learnt how to ride a horse and even did a few jumps. I reached my planned goal and I was happy.
Now, using that as an example, if I'd brought all the equipment and hadn't completed the lessons only to start up again later, I could understand the ribbing I'd get.
Is it a skill based hobby OP? Otherwise, I don't see why it would raise comments like you have.

In my house what you are talking about would have been thought of as light piss-taking and no one would have changed any of their behaviour. I'm guessing your hobby is a bit niche and not everyone's cup of tea. So I'm not sure why other people expressing that and joking about would have you so offended or considering never doing it again.

Sorry, I was typing before I saw your update.
It is a bit odd OP. It's an expensive hobby to keep dropping and taking up again. Why not find something else?

Oh wow I once nearly got sucked into the rabbit hole of fishkeeping. I had a goldfish and some minnows. I wanted to make sure I did right by them and that they had good lives. It was an eye-opener! It got very expensive and very time-consuming very quickly and they still died.

Don’t listen to them - enjoy!

Exactly

multiple times the op has abandoned this “hobby”

and her interest in it is so superficial that this exchange with her children made her want to jack it in before she’d even started it up again!!

YANBU. Your family were at best teasing you, when they knew it hurt you, and at worst they are mean killjoys. You have the right to spend your money and leisure time as you please. It sounds like this brings you a lot of joy but they want to put conditions (such as 100% eternal commitment) on your being allowed to indulge yourself. But it's got nothing to do with them. Maybe best ask someone from the hobby community to repair the tanks next time though, not your husband. If it starts up again, ask them exactly how your hobby affects them, on repeat, like a broken record.

You do sound hurt - I would feel the same. I think you just need to practice your hobby in a bubble, with other enthusiasts. Don't discuss it at all with your family (unless they ask first).

I did have a go back. I mentioned the things my DC likes to collect. the cost of my DH’s hobby compared to mine,

THIS is why it escalated OP, why did you bring up their hobbies in retaliation? It sounds like instead of telling them what you do in your free time is nothing to do with them, you went on the defensive and immediately jumped to criticising their hobbies in some way.. which obviously opened the floodgates for everyone sticking their noses in where it doesn't belong.

It sounds like they inadvertently hit a nerve when they bought it up (which you admit you are touchy about picking it up and putting it down).

The ONLY thing you ever need to do is say "why on earth do you care about my hobbies?" and if they say something else, ask them WHY they care? It normally makes people reflect that actually, it is fuck all to do with them and they have no business criticising what other people like to do, but if you criticise their hobbies then they will criticise yours.

Ah go on then. Give saltwater a try and show them how annoying and time-consuming fish can really be.

Just kidding (well, mostly). Have you ever had pea puffers? I only tried a few freshwater tanks but those and the discus were my favourites. The puffers were such friendly, inquisitive little fellows.

Is this the OP with the DD wanting the symbol tattoo and that completely kicked off?

The cheek of them.
Women tolerate far too much.

A few years ago my friends children were a bit too dismissive of her and what would she know about working out there in the real world.

She decided to put her toe back into a bit of contracting in her professional field, a mat leave.

They were all suddenly very affronted at her returning to work and how it would impact them, all in their early to mid 20's.

They were in for some shock at the change inthe house. She doesn't share a bedroom with her husband as he snores.

She ate in the excellent work canteen so no more dinners, she handed over the shopping to her husband and children.

She dropped HER laundry into a laundrette on her way to work as a well earned treat, so no more laundry at all.
She loved the job and they love her, so she accepted a 4 day week.

She joined the sports and social club in work as a volunteer and loves it, and has joined a walking group.

She is frankly unrecognisable.
Her children are still living at home but are now paying for a cleaner between them, it was that or find a flat.
Life is very different and she has never looked better or been happier.
Their gentle mocking was the push she needed.
Her husband is thinking of retirement but she certainly won't and has made that clear.
She enjoys it too much.

I actually kind of get why they might be fed up. You keep bringing living things into the house, then dumping them, then buying more, then dumping them...

The tank clean up, the smell, the feeding etc - it's different from trains, or dollhouses, or pokemon. It sounds like it would be quite impactful for the household and not just you? Whereas I'd imagine your husband keeps his bike in a garage, goes off and cycles for a bit, with no impact on the house at large?

Of course, you should do what you enjoy but I'm not sure this is the feminist fight that some posters are making it out to be. And you do seem very sensitive, too. Was it vitriol or was it lack of enthusiasm for something that impacts everyone but that only you get any enjoyment from? (Until you get bored again!)

Has the op clarified what she has done with the fish on the previous times she has jacked in the hobby?

Flushes them down the toilet Ebay, Gumtree or takes them back to the shop apparently

Why do you allow your children to speak to you with such disdain? If my kids spoke to me the way yours do, I'd smack their backsides so hard their grandkids would feel it!

Tell them until they're working and paying into the family pot, to butt the fuck out and show some manners.

Your finances are no business of theirs and if you want to collect trains, you WILL collect goddamn trains and if they've anything to say about it, we'd have a look at their hobbies.

Their hobbies you will no longer be paying for, since they can't seem to treat you with anything but contempt. What do they do? Sports? Not anymore. Gaming? That'd be in the bin. Want a lift somewhere? Forget it. I don't do favours for rude people.

As for the husband, I'd tell him he is either your partner or he isn't. If he is willing to belittle you and mock you then he clearly doesn't think much of you and I wouldn't be willing to continue in a marriage like that.

I'd lay that out for him and tell him to have a good think about what he wants to do going forward as I refuse to carry on being disrespected.

Fuck that for a lark.