Hobby tainted

[Nicechianti]

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

Oh dear

Cancel the cheque!

So the op says this exchange was completely out of character for her kids who have never behaved like this before and she’s very close to.

So… either they’ve all suddenly undergone a seismic shift in their personalities OR…. They genuinely are open mouthed and a bit appalled that yet AGAIN the op is heading to the pet shop to get more fish (having returned her last lot to the pet shop) to do the hobby again. Not just once before but MULTIPLE times before

I can understand why this upset you so much OP, it can feel difficult to carve out time for yourself, fighting the guilt of doing something that is ‘just for you’, and prioritising leisure time that doesn’t involve you putting your family’s needs before yours. If these are things you struggle with (which I can totally relate to) then I can really see why the episode with your kids and husband discouraging you from doing your hobby would be so upsetting. Step back, take stock, and then come back with a strength to fiercely protect the space to do your hobby that is jmportant to you. It’s no one else’s business if you’re more/less heavily involved with it at different times. Life gets busy and other things take over but it’s great to have a hobby you enjoy. That feels good, that you can go back to when you feel like it.

As a general rule I’d say that people shouldn’t feel like they have to give up a hobby they enjoy because their family are being mean about it. And it’s normal for people’s interest in a hobby to wax and wane.

But I am a bit dubious now that you’ve revealed it’s fishkeeping. The fish are living creatures and it seems a bit unethical if you know you’ve got a history of dropping the hobby and returning the fish.

I have to say I agree with this.

Before we knew what the hobby was, I was of the tell them where to go, its none of their business.

But now that we know it's fish keeping & you have a habit of giving up on it, I see their concerns

Fish are living creatures - they're not just there for your entertainment. Do you not grow fond of the ones you have? (My dc had 2 x fish for years & was a super responsible owner even as a kid) we were all very fond of them & were sad when they died

Why do you lose interest? Why do you want to start again?

To be honest I can see a bit clearer now why your family are against it. Having hobbies that entail looking after living creatures that you dip in and out of and lose interest in isn’t like jigsaw puzzles or knitting. I think your dh and dc have a point, I’d not be happy about you resuming it either.

It’s living creatures. I don’t think people should indulge in such hobbies unless they’re fully committed to it.

It's a bit weird that you don't see fish as living beings who deserve life long care, what do you think happens to them when you sell them on Gumtree?
No wonder your kids are unhappy with it.
Why bother making the tank just right if you're just going to get bored and get rid of them.

??

Didn’t see it

OP now that you have revealed the hobby do you see why it’s not something people generally will be on board with (the dipping in and out of interest in caring for living creatures). Do you see that your family actually have valid reasons for not supporting you in this hobby and maybe getting quite annoyed with you is not at all unreasonable. I’d be having sharp words with you myself if you were my mum.

I understand you disliking their teasing, but I can’t understand why it has "tainted" the hobby for you - unless it’s because you do recognise deep down that there is some truth in what they say. If you enjoy it and it does no harm, just carry on with it.

This is an odd one, and I think it’s hard to comment without having been there to really hear the tone and also having been there over the years as your interest waxed and waned.

I do feel as though this is not so much a hobby as having a pet/ pets and should be seen as such.

If you look at it that way, you can see why your teens disapprove of you dipping in and out, exchanging the pets etc It’s not a very kind way to care for a pet.

There’s also something slightly excruciating about having to listen to someone’s special interest when they are into it, then they go off it, then they pick it up again and expect you to feign interest. I can see where they’re coming from tbh.

It’s a bit rent-a-pet, OP. I wouldn’t be happy with someone I live with unilaterally getting a pet and sneaking it into the house under the guise of a hobby, let alone doing it multiple times and returning and swapping the pets like it’s a Netflix DVD-by-post.

That’s such a lovely hobby and you sound very knowledgeable, don’t let your family put you off!
We have a tank my son wanted a good few years ago, a biorb, and have 5 fish that have lasted so well. I loved them so much I bought another biorb and got a betta for myself but I don’t think it should have been in with the rough stones of a biorb as I think it’s fin got damaged and he died although I’m not sure. I would go to the tank and talk to
nim and he always came over to me! Reading this thread I’m now tempted to start a tank off again with sand this time and get another betta!

I assume OP hasn’t been back since people raised the issue of animal cruelty?

I was all for you having as much right to pursue your hobbies as any other member of the family, but you are talking about picking up and dropping living creatures.

I agree with your family, if you can't commit to stick with your fish for their lifespan, you shouldn't get them.

Even non-dramatic people can have moments where they are more vulnerable.

Whichever parent listens to their kids opinions about stuff that has zero to do with them is really no parent. Tell them to shut it.

Your DH was also an AH.

Do you hobby and F them all. You dont need their permission.

Hope you have fun.

You just enjoy your trains. They are jealous. I would shut down conversation about it now.if anyone mentions it or questions it then say i don't interfere with your hobby of xyz (insert relevant hobby for example rage room smashing China collectable shards or antique quill collecting) and if they don't have a hobby they need one.

It's really odd to see how many people are so keen to enforce the MN -'women are always right'
-you go girl
-your house, your roolz
-you're the parent not them
-you're entitled to have your fun!!
And clearly DGAF that this is live creatures op is picking up and getting rid of as per whim.. but hey 'as long as ops happy'...

its not trains, its live animals

This. Ignore the detractors !

I only said trains because they did. If they love and look after their live animals then thats cool. Is it homing pigeons as they do take up a lot of time? Worth it though.