Hobby tainted

[Nicechianti]

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

I'd probably have got another two 'trains' in rebellion. However, the part I'd pay attention to is the mention by one of them that they are worried it will take over again. It sounds like maybe you get obsessive about them to the exclusion of all else? These are also living creatures and you should take responsibility for them for their natural lifespan. It's not something you can box up and take out again.

Until I read that your hobby was fishkeeping, I was convinced that you were the poster who was obsessive about makeup in boots and loved touching it/buying it but kept getting stopped/followed by security guards - I thought the writing style was similar. But I must be misremembering and wayyyy off the mark.

I think losing interest and giving fish back to the shop is a little strange. I could never imagine doing that? Unless it’s a one off where it’d dawned on me that I’d bitten off more than I could chew. But the rest sounds normal - your kids and husband should just get on with their own lives and mind their business.

So many hobbies on here that make me jealous as I don't have one 😂. I'm always desperate to know what they are for ideas!

I think your children showed blatant disrespect towards you. I’d be saying pipe down and take a back seat! What difference does it make to them if you have a hobby or not! They are not funding it, they should have been told to zip it, especially as you say it was said so unpleasantly. As for your H, he passively if not more encouraged them. Did it make him feel good, ganging up on Mum?

Please don’t let this subtract from your hobby, if it stops and starts so what??

Totally agree with this. You can’t just pick up and drop living creatures when your “interest wanes”. Sorry, but that’s horrible.

If it was genuinely trains then fine, but actual creatures? No. Drop the hobby OP, if you can’t commit to caring for them for their whole lives.

They are all being very immature and unkind. £4-8 a fish? I’d buy 6 and tell dh he had clearly forgotten our conversation so how would he know if he agreed 4 or 6? If he can’t remember it to support you, he isn’t allowed to remember it to have a go at you. Then tell your teens your mum is not fair game, and if anyone wants any support for any activities this week suggest you ask dad, as you are all old enough to understand after you’ve sat there being mean about my hobby I’m hardly going to drive you to yours. Hopefully it impacts dad’s work hours or going out as I would hold firm on that- minimum one week and he gets to support their activities 100%. You will also not do support like being the one to cook dinner or do needed things so he can go on a ride - gosh dh you can’t as I won’t be doing dinner to support you - support goes 2 ways in this marriage, or none.
sometimes kids need reminding that their mum is human not a punching bag, and sometimes partners need reminding that being an asshole has consequences

These are living creatures not something to just get rid of when you get bored, Jesus

Your kids have no right to lay down the law about what you do in your house, especially when that really is a minimal impact on them. Ignore them.

I think it being live fish though does change things - it isn’t a hobby you can dip in and out of it is a commitment and fish should be like any other pet a life commitment the fact she knows it isn’t going to stick.

mix that with the fact that teenagers are by their nature judgmental and passionate about things it isn’t a surprise

And perhaps the OP needs reminding that fish are a living creature that also deserve respect and not just handed back when you are bored of the hobby

@99bottlesofkombucha

They aren't supportive because as the OP says herself she gets carried away with it when she is doing it and talks enthusiastically about then gets bored of it. They know that the enthusiasm isn't going to last, they know she will give up, they know she will then start again with the enthusiasm. It's repetitive , draining and wearing.

It’s… normal. I mean my dh likes football. This time of year he talks about it non stop. This will happen next time of year, it’s repetitive (to me), wearing, and will drop right off at the end of the season and come back. It’s very normal.

ill go running more in summer, and try to make more time for exercise and talk about it more. I don’t do this in winter, that doesn’t make it repetitive and wearing for everyone else.

the key point here is she might talk too much about her hobby and bore their socks off. Op, stop doing that, enjoy your hobby, and find an online forum to go on about it on there.

No it isn't similar football is seasonal. Presumably if there is a football tournament in the summer your DH will watch it. Fish keeping isn't seasonal They know the OP is going to get bored of it. Getting bored of something is different to the season ending and the hobby pausing.

we all dip in and out of stuff, I think that’s a really harsh assessment. The kids are not entitled to be cruel. And the op might have more capacity to maintain a hobby if she did less kid support, as a mum who spends my entire weekends supporting kids to play their sports.

That's fine for most hobbies but a bit different when the hobby relates to living creatures though.

Think we found the name of your next fish.

I don’t know so much. My reply was more concerned with the behaviour her children and husband dished out to her. OP shouldn’t have been spoken to like that in my view.

Either there's something you're missing or they're all being really weird. Fish keeping is hardly expensive, loud or all encompassing. Especially if you've already got the tank etc (because those can be expensive). We have a fish tank that basically sustains itself. It's just shrimp and snails, we occasionally drop a shrimp pellet in but mostly they all eat algae. Perhaps if you feel like you want to give up the hobby you could just maintain some shrimp as they're very easy.

Dipping in and out of hobbies is fine when they don’t involve actual living creatures, which OP’s does.

We don't dip in and out of stuff when we have made a commitment though. If your hobby is a team sport you can't just go when you feel like it. If your DC hobby is cubs or Brownies you wouldn't let them join leave join leave. Keeping live animals is a commitment and you shouldn't be stopping starting stopping starting

Because they know it’s not right.

Even at half OPs age they understand that it’s unacceptable to decide to get a living creature and then just get rid of it when you’re bored.

OP already knows this isn’t going to last and she’ll get rid of them again.
What an awful attitude to have about a living thing.

Thank goodness the kids have a dad that is a good influence, as OP is not being responsible and not being a good influence on them.

Bloody hell....grow some balls and grow up

Just tell them to sod off … why can’t we know the hobby?

I would find it really irritating if someone kept enthusiastically banging about their pet fish and then got bored and gave them away on bloody Gumtree.

I think YABU, really. You don't just want to keep fish. You want everyone else to be excited about you keeping fish. Why should they be enthusiastic about your hobby? It's not exciting to them. It's just something that they have to listen to you going on about, that takes up space and makes a mess in the house and which you then get bored with and stop doing.

We do know the hobby