Hobby tainted

[Nicechianti]

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

Now I know the hobby is fish keeping, I do have to say that my dad has always had big aquariums and I used to hate it when he was cleaning the tank and changing the water etc at the weekend. It was always very messy and there's a specific fish tank smell I'll never forget. So I do get where they're coming from, especially if after a while you just give the fish back.

How do you know?

I thought I'd read it upthread somewhere but it must have been another poster. Either way I'm not sure the sexes of her DC are really relevant here.

Mrs Mac the housekeeper has a delightful chatelaine and is generally splendid.

Sorry, I forget the dolls house poster's name.

Oh sorry, I thought that was a joke. Fish keeping. I still think it’s joke.

DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice) You’ve asked him to fix your fish? If it’s the tanks you’re asking him to fix, then how is that a problem? You do stuff for him, don’t you? Why is it wrong to ask him to do something to help you?

how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times) This would make me a bit uncomfortable, but I admit I don’t know much about fish other than what I’ve learned from Finding Nemo, which I acknowledge may not be entirely factual. Do they struggle being moved from place to place?

how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains) How are they claiming it’s taking over?

my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted No it’s not, you’re just being silly. You enjoy it. You keep coming back to it. Your family have just been a bit arseholey about it. They don’t have the power to take your enjoyment away from you because you aren’t six years old. Stand up for yourself. Tell your DH all the things that irritate you about his hobby. Remind your DC of all the tedious and boring things you sat through when they were growing up simply because they enjoyed it. Tell them that you’re not spending the mortgage money. You’re not neglecting anyone or anything in favour of it (although if they do claim this, tell them you’ll be coming out with them next time they go out with their mates, to spend some quality time together) and it’s sod all to do with them. Remind all three of them that you’re a grown adult, and that there are plenty of things they do that you don’t like, so they need to mind their own business.

Thing is, it doesn't matter what the hobby is. The fact is you were ganged up on and bullied by your own family until you felt like shit.

They need to hear that they've hurt you, you need to shut down any backtalk or explanations to that. Tell them you're going to process that hurt and none of them better not ask anything of you for the minute.

Tell your bloke that if that shit happens again then you'll lose all respect for him.

Tell them to piss off and go right on enjoying your hobby. Be your own person. No one should have this much power over your emotions even if they are your DH and DC. If possible, get your "trains" out and spread them all over the place! 🤣 Inconvenience the doubters as much as possible!

Edit: Just saw that it's fishkeeping. Definitely can't spread fish all over the place....but maybe books about fish, hang pictures of fish, and buy fish-themed decor! I wonder if you can buy fish-themed loo roll....and you could surprise them with fish duvet covers! 🤣

Fishkeeping is a COOL hobby! Relatives had large tropical-fish tanks for years. It was great to watch them. Are yours tropical or marine? Marines are extremely pretty but difficult to keep.

I can hyper fixate and so you have my understanding.

But I try and keep my fixations to myself and try not to let them interfere with anyone else.

My sister on the other hand is awful!
It is mentally draining hearing about her latest hobby and you know it’s not going to last.

I do judge you a bit though too because this isn’t taking up running or dolls houses, these are live animals.

I’m sure you take care of them but your attitude towards them is awful and not a good influence on your kids.

You should be teaching them that is pet is a responsibility that should take serious consideration and should only be gotten rid of in extreme cases when you can’t for it etc, not just because you’re bored with it now and can’t be bothered.

how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains) How are they claiming it’s taking over?
Well depends if op means 4 fish or 4 fish tanks...

Although I agree with most of your post I do disagree that it’s not wrong to ask DH to fix things to do with her on/off hobby.

If my DH got into cycling on and off, I would be annoyed if he was asking me to clean his bike, change his tyres or take him places etc.

Hobbies are great but they shouldn’t interfere with family life and on the 2 days off a week you have, they shouldn’t be taken up by something someone else has chosen to do.

I think if an adult takes on a hobby, they ts their responsibility.

derailing but I am into dollhouses and miniatures too. Am refurbishing a 1940's home built one, my first full refurbish. Are you on facebook? take a look at this guy. https://www.facebook.com/fernando.yumul.3

The 16 yr old is a daughter

£50 Dogs Trust? Blimey, I wish!

When my koi outgrew my pond, I re-homed him. He’d arrived at about 2 inches long and it’s just not true about fish growing to their environment, their organs can become crushed if the space isn’t big enough. My local shop wouldn’t take him back. There is a substantial Facebook community where excess/unwanted fish (you inherit your dad’s pond full of random fish but need to re-home so you can remove the pond to help sell the house, your dad had 6 huge aquariums built into his house then he goes into a home, for example) can be re-homed. It is fairly standard, ime. I’m debating what to do with my pond fish when we move next year 👀 looking for a house with a ready made pond👀

It drives me nuts to see my friend’s 2 goldfish stuck in the smallest ever tank, no filter, nothing. I think the OP sounds like she looks after her fish really well.

I was totally on your side when it was "trains" but knowing it’s fishkeeping totally changes my mind. Their attitude did sound awful but honestly I’d be contemptuous of someone treating living creatures as so disposable.

i think they’re completely right to try to talk you out of it. I’m sure they could have done it more kindly but I don’t know how kind I’d be to someone taking up looking after pets then getting bored of them again and again and again,

I’d agree with you up to a point, but she says she’s only asked him to help her twice. At that level, I think it’s just one person doing something nice for someone else. My DH is a golfer. I sometimes clean his shoes for him because he’s quite lazy about it and it’s a nice thing I know he’ll appreciate. He’s spent a couple of hours today winding thread onto bobbins with me. Isn’t that what couples do for each other? Just nice things that the other will appreciate?

And she said that it doesn’t take her away from the family, while he disappeared for a few hours to do his.

OP I think you sound lovely, even though you are getting some serious stick here for being a part-time fish pimp 😂

To be honest I think this hobby is one that many people would dip in and out of. Fish can be so fragile and if they get sick etc there’s not a lot one can do and it’s depressing when any creature you care for dies. Couldn’t wait for the last of mine (40 years back) to go to the aquatic rainbow because it looked lonely and I was too disheartened to continue with the hobby.
OP you know what’s involved so I hope you get enjoyment from it. Cats would actually bring more joy!

well yes but this person dumps them back at the petshop or puts them on gumtree.

God, I hate it when PPs keep hassling an OP to give information that could be outing or when OP doesn’t want to go into details.

OP, remember that the mean girls hang around in AIBU looking for sport! If you get upset, they win.

Enjoy your hobby. I’m sure you’re not neglecting the fish, or expecting DH and the kids to look after them, like kids do to mum when they lose interest. I’m presuming you swap them in a hobby group, not giving/selling them to ransoms who might not care for them.
I would ask DH and the kids all what’s bothering them. If it’s not something genuinely valid (eg you spend all evening talking to the fish and ignoring the humans, or you don’t look after the fish correctly), I’d tell them clearly that you have a right to a bit of your own time just as they do.

That hasn’t been mentioned on this thread. Have you been looking at her other threads?

I’m presuming you swap them in a hobby group, not giving/selling them to ransoms who might not care for them.

randoms, not ransoms!

How do pet store accept fish returns? 🐟 What if the fish being returned are sick and infect other fish in the store? Surely they don't have the space to keep them separated?

I know you’ve tried to explain the ‘reeling’ and ‘shell shocked’ wording but you need a thicker skin as this is a massive overreaction to your family.

I don't think rehoming because the fish outgrew their environment or because they are fish from a dead/moving relative is comparable to getting rid because you get bored...