Evening only wedding invite

[lucylondon7878]

A friend of 20+ years is having her wedding:

• we were very close at school, over the years drifted a little but still maintain regular contact and meet regularly, know her parents etc
• I was a little surprised to only be invited to the evening part of her wedding
• more so given others, but not all, within that friendship group (who I'd say have the same level of contact) have been invited to the entire day
• made more awkward by the fact I now live around 2000 miles away
• the wedding is taking place on her land so it's not like "numbers" are really an issue, nor is budget

It makes me question whether to bother with this friendship as it seems a message is being sent, and my inclination is to just abandon it

Weddings really do bring injustices to the surface.

It's not on that the friendship is so one sided but at least now it's been brought to light you can scale back your interaction with this friend.

@thepariscrimefiles @Zov @LittleMonks11

I’ve explained in more detail above.

Its not intended to be unpleasant at all, and the response is more general to all these posters on here (and every thread) who act like an evening invitation is a terrible insult).

OP I suspect, due to the distance and fact that your visits are on your company’s schedule, your friend wanted you to to feel included but not obliged to travel such a long way at cost to yourself.

She’s not offended, she’s upset and disappointed.
Most of us are not acting like it’s a terrible insult, we are offering sympathy and solidarity.
I would suggest reading the room but I fear you cannot, as already demonstrated.

This - but it will never happen. You sound like a great friend OP. Once a penny like this drops, it's time to drop the friendship.
Concentrate on the friends who appreciate you.

I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't end the friendship over it either.

I could point you to many which demonstrate my point and those are the ones I’m responding to but this is a useful reminder that the initial post is the priority here and I’m engaging in debate which is distracting from that.

Edited due to drip feeding!

Sorry OP you clearly do see your friend often enough, however, perhaps they are concerned that something would happen with travel rendering you unable to attend.

I would perhaps explain to them the reasons why you are unable to attend. And I would make your efforts to see them infrequent now.

She’s not expecting to be invited to ‘everyone’s’ full wedding - just this one friend who she thought was a close friend. She’s finding out the hard way that the bride to be doesn’t consider her so.

You live 2000 miles away overseas. You travel every couple of months for work, but on those work trips you travel an extra 1.5 hours - each way - to see this friend. You told her in advance you would be able to come to the wedding. And she still hasn’t invited you to actually see her get married? She doesn’t value the friendship in the same way you do!
I would decline the evening invitation and I’d reconsider how much effort I put into the friendship.

Surprised you're even considering going. Just thank her for invitation but say it isn't worth travelling all that way for just evening. However you have to be prepared for her then to upgrade you to full wedding if you take that approach. You're not missing much. Evening functions are dull if you haven't been to the full thing.

If I was in the area then I’d go.

There’s no way I’d travel 2000miles just to go.

If you’re in London for work then it’s up to you if you want to do the 3 hour round trip.

The fact that she doesn’t bother coming to see you would make me not want to do it.

Here is what I would do:
If you’re not in the UK on that date - definitely don’t go.
If you’re in the UK then I would make the journey to go to the evening do.

Right now you are upset that you haven’t been invited to the whole day.
So I would be careful making permanent decisions based on temporary emotions.
Instead, go to the evening do (if in the UK anyway) and then decide whether you want to continue with this friendship or not.

Op something like this happened to me once. An old friend that I considered a good friend and who I had invited to the full day at my wedding, just invited dh and me to the evening do of hers. I was surprised to say the least especially as she had tapped me up for the details of my photographer for her own wedding and others in our group at school were all invited to the day. I put it down to one of those slightly embarrassing situations where I had clearly mistaken our friendship for more than it was. So I dialled back on the expectations of her, it was a hard and quite painful lesson.

Normally I'm thrilled with an evening invite - don't have to waste a whole Saturday and don't have to pay as much for a present! But 2000k miles makes it a bit different.
I’d be refusing unless it meshes with a work visit, in which case I’d go and eat and drink as much hog roast and bubbly as I could and then never calling her again! Friendships need at least a bit of give and take, and it seems you've been doing 100% of the effort for some time.

I think she just wanted to be inclusive and that she's not expecting you to come. Send a nice card and tell her you won't be able to make it

This

It's a token invitation - she's not really expecting you to attend, but feels she has to send an invitation to keep up appearances. As a side note, I really hate 2-tier wedding systems. Either invite people to celebrate the whole event with you, or don't. It's so awkward to categorise people into whether they are important enough to you to recieve a full invitation or not.

Another nasty and totally unnecessary comment. What is it with several posters that they feel the need to put @lucylondon7878 down for no reason?

You consider her a better friend to you than she does you to her. Hence the lack of effort of her part to ever travel to see you; you do all the running.

Just send your regrets and a card. And take a step back if it bothers you.

I’d feel so hurt in this situation having read a bit more context of the continued effort on your part. She clearly can’t see that, or just doesn’t value you.

I would decline but I would also explain that it’s because of the distance to travel for a few hours of the party.

I don't see my closest friend every 8 weeks as we live a couple of hours apart and have commitments!

It looks like you have been making all the running. I know sometimes friends get into routines but I usually begin to notice if the effort is all on my side and wait to see if they will contact me.

As it's easy for her (no travel, little to no expense?) she has maybe just gone along with it out of habit. So she doesn't see you as a close friend or maybe doesn't enjoy your company as much as that of others?

Not sure I'd travel 2000 miles and spend a ton of money to turn up to the "second act". You can easily say it doesn't work for you given your other trips are partly funded by work.
.

Perhaps she has felt under pressure to see you whenever you’re back given you instigate the meet ups and do all the travelling, and this is her opportunity to tell you… she doesn’t see you as a close friend and to dial back the get togethers

We once made the mistake of going to the 'evening' part of a wedding. The experience was so dismal*, we decided then & there never to do so again whoever was getting married. That was over 35 years ago, and we have stuck to that - and have zero regrets.

*e.g. there was no food provision for those arriving for the evening, so we had to pop out of the hotel to buy some fish & chips!

Next time you travel ask her to meet you instead.

See what happens

I would politely decline. I think I would mention that u have heard that some of yr mutual friends are attending and you hope everyone has a lovely day and you look forward to their photos of the church/service i.e. let her know you have been told that some people have been invited to the whole day.
No proper friend would expect you to travel that distance for a couple of hours in the evening and pay a nights accommodation, not to mention the cost of travel.
what she is doing is not how you treat a friend.

It would have to be a very special friend i would travel that far for!

Consider yourself lucky, you’ve skipped having to sit around for the boring bit. If there’s other people that you’d want to see (I.e. a common friend group) then go - particularly if you can arrange it to coincide with a business trip. Otherwise skip it.