Evening only wedding invite

[lucylondon7878]

A friend of 20+ years is having her wedding:

• we were very close at school, over the years drifted a little but still maintain regular contact and meet regularly, know her parents etc
• I was a little surprised to only be invited to the evening part of her wedding
• more so given others, but not all, within that friendship group (who I'd say have the same level of contact) have been invited to the entire day
• made more awkward by the fact I now live around 2000 miles away
• the wedding is taking place on her land so it's not like "numbers" are really an issue, nor is budget

It makes me question whether to bother with this friendship as it seems a message is being sent, and my inclination is to just abandon it

I think if you see her every couple of months and travel to see her each time you are in the UK, then it seems out of kilter to receive evening only invitation. Has she tried to tie it in with the time she thinks you'll have. Seems like the friendship is more of a priority for you than her.

Do you have a partner op? How old are you?

Well hopefully it’s well and truly “dropped”!!

Evening invites should be for locals. Work colleagues, friends from your local hobby/sports team etc. Or possibly if you have masses of cousins and they have masses of kids.

Faze her out

I doubt even fazing out is required

Have a handhold OP. It can't be a nice realisation.

I wouldn't go that far for a wedding, even if it was the whole day. Maybe not even if it was a close friend. I'd send them a card and a present and wish them well.

Wow I’d be so offended aswell OP! My best friend lives 30 mins away and we absolutely don’t see each other every 8 weeks!!! Do you catch up as a group or just you and her? Could it be a mistake?! Does she talk much about the wedding when she sees you? I would be tempted to message her and say thankyou for the evening invite it is just a long trip to make for you for an evening event and you do consider her one of your oldest and closest friends and would feel sad not to see her tie the knot.

is it close family only during the ceremony or something?! you don’t have anything to lose by being up front - as if it’s the case she’s only inviting you to the evening do I would agree she sees the friendship differently and you clearly need to put more energy into other friendships

Drop her. 2,000 miles is some way, what four hour flight? Cost? Just for an evening? When my good uni friend got married in South Africa, she sent me a wedding invitation but with the letter she said 'I know you won't be able to come but put this on your mantel piece and be with us in spirit', which I thought was the perfect way of dealing with it. Your friend is not a cultured, sophisticated person with savoir faire - she is a pumpkin from the sticks who knows no better.

I meant faze her out of the 8 week meet ups. But perhaps I should have said.....stop meeting up every 8 weeks!!

Why the dig at people 'from the sticks'? It sounds awfully snobby. Amazingly, people who live in rural area can also be cultured and sophisticated.

Maybe there are two strands to this, OP.

1. If you’re in town anyway, I’d go to the evening do, as attending key events in a person’s life can help people feel how lucky they are to have a nice bunch of people around them. By RSVPing yes at this point you might get bumped to the full day anyway once their numbers are confirmed.

2.Reasses the friendship - separate to the wedding. Is there a reason she doesn’t travel to you eg childcare or something? Do you have children OP? You might be in different life stages where you are jet-setting and have a cool job (by the sounds of it!) and she is getting her domestic life settled. Seeing any friend every 8 weeks can be a lot if you’ve got a baby, financial worries, a house needing repairs, family dynamics to tend to, a flagging career etc etc.

It sounds like you have other options when you visit London so what about taking the time to focus on other friends or dive into a new interest?

Sounds like this was a just in case it coincides with your travel invitation.

You do seem to be more invested in the friendship than she is tbh. You ravel 2000 miles to the UK for work and every time you factor in another 90 minutes journey each way to meet her????? What effort has she been putting up during all this?

And now, she is getting married and invites you to the evening party only?? That is one ‘fuck-off’ slap in the face OP!! She doesn’t value your friendship, she doesn’t appreciate your effort and dedication and in your position I would certainly not be going to the wedding nor would I be extending my future travelling plans to see her.

It is clear that she is not so invested in your friendship to want you there for the full day, time to call time on this one OP!

please tell me you will be refusing the invite?

I don’t think she’s considered your travel. I would decline and let what’s barely left of the friendship fade.

Is there any chance it’s a mistake?

You sound like a really good friend, and she sounds awful and selfish. There are so many other people who would appreciate your friendship.

It would be ridiculous to undertake this journey for a few hours in the evening. Your friend is obviously not bothered if you turn up or not.

I would send a polite message that unfortunately you are unable to attend (don't need to give a reason if you don't want to) but send your best wishes.

Then start the slow fade. Don't suggest any more get togethers that you have to travel to ... if she mentions getting together you can say you would like that but can she come to meet you next time you're in the UK.

Send a polite decline and then dump her. She is not your friend. That's a really shoddy way to treat you. I'm someone who would never accept an evening invitation anyway. The couple I've been to have always made me feel very much a 2nd class guest. One wedding, we got there for 7pm as per the invite and they were running late so we were asked to wait outside until the speeches had finished!

I think time has moved on. It's fair enough for her not to want to do 3 hour round trips every 8 weeks, she sees you regularly, she might make more effort if she hasn't seen you for a whole year. I'm sure she likes you well enough, but she has her own life and you have yours. Decline gracefully and carry on the catch-ups if you enjoy them enough to keep making the effort. Reduce the frequency if you don't.

She's sent you an evening invite because she feels she has to. Sorry @lucylondon7878 this sounds as though you valued her friendship, and certainly put in more effort, than she did.
I had a similar school friend, happy to come to lunch if I was near where she lived, never suggested meeting halfway etc. She did come to me for my wedding, but moaned about the long journey to get there! Once I stopped doing all the running, I realised how one-sided the friendship had become. Like you, it took a major life event to realise.
Gracefully decline, maybe send a wee gift if you feel the need, and think nothing more of it. Next time you are over, suggest a celebratory lunch in London instead of you going to her. I would cut down on the running around you do to keep this friendship alive, and if it naturally fizzles out, so be it.

Form what it's worth good on you for trying with this friendship. Most people don't bother and look at what that's doing for rates of loneliness and isolation.