Evening only wedding invite

[lucylondon7878]

A friend of 20+ years is having her wedding:

• we were very close at school, over the years drifted a little but still maintain regular contact and meet regularly, know her parents etc
• I was a little surprised to only be invited to the evening part of her wedding
• more so given others, but not all, within that friendship group (who I'd say have the same level of contact) have been invited to the entire day
• made more awkward by the fact I now live around 2000 miles away
• the wedding is taking place on her land so it's not like "numbers" are really an issue, nor is budget

It makes me question whether to bother with this friendship as it seems a message is being sent, and my inclination is to just abandon it

This. ^ There are several really spiteful posts on this thread (aimed at the OP.) Mainly based around 'you don't sound like you've got many friends OP,' and 'are you very lonely?' Really rude!

Not a nice feeling OP,hope you are ok.

Send the message from @Itwasallyellow2 with the suggestion of meeting in London,see if she makes any effort for you.

Given you explicitly told her you could attend, I think, especially as you regularly make the effort to travel even further to see her, that she’s having a laugh. However, from her pov, she has probably forgotten what you said and has prioritised physically closer friends. I definitely wouldn’t go and I’m not sure she considers you ‘close’ any more.

I think this would be the best approach, especially since there are also other mutual friends in this scenario. If there is a fallout or you show anger towards the bride, people will feel like they'll have to choose between the two of you.

I would politely decline and do a slow fade. If friends ask, just say that you have drifted apart, which is true.

I think the fact you make the effort to visit her every 8 weeks is relevant to your OP as well as the distance.

Agree about taking this as a sign she doesn’t value the friendship as much as you do; so sorry OP, as least you won’t waste any more time on her.

No I’d send a card saying, sorry I can’t make it but have a fabulous time.

Then I’d move on with my life in the knowledge that I’m not the main character in everyone’s life and that an evening invitation isn’t akin to being invited to sweep up after everyone at the end of the night.

She said the rest of the group (who are no closer) had the full invitation

These are very different circumstances

The rest of the group who live in the UK and who are similarly close, got the full invitation

The OP hasn't really even had a token one. It's a slap in the face

This was to @Nestingbirds but the quote was lost with the over sensitive fecking swipe function

Yes exactly for local people.

The invitation shows thoughtlessness and poor manners, even through not a ‘summons’

Another one. 🙄 Just so unneccessary.

Another one what?

I wouldn’t fly over at my own expense for an evening only wedding invitation when I was fully expecting a full day one and possibly to share in some pre wedding fun by making a weekend of it. She makes no effort to see you. I think the polite decline with an invitation to celebrate in London next time you’re over. If she says she’s not free to come to London on those dates then I would stop getting in touch and move on.

Unpleasant comment

She's not 'sending you a message' with a wedding invite, she just doesn't hold the friendship is as high regard as you do.

Another one trying to make OP seem unreasonable for being a bit upset at being the only one in that friendship group not to be invited to the actual wedding and reception, despite making tons of effort herself to maintain the friendship. You are implying that OP is self-centred, self absorbed and dramatic when there is no evidence of this at all.

Yeah, this. Thanks @LittleMonks11

This. ^ No need for such mean spirited comments at all, aimed at a woman who is already upset and hurting.

Gosh, OP, having read all your posts I'm shocked at her behaviour. She hasn't travelled 90 minutes on the train to meet you and have a day or evening out in London with you in years? Unless there are strong reasons why you always have to go to meet at hers (children, aged parents, pets that can't be left) then it does sound as if this is a friendship you value but she doesn't. Poor you.

It sounds as if there's nothing to be lost, so I'd respond to her with something along the lines of 'I was terribly disappointed to receive only an evening invitation. For me the marriage ceremony is the main event, not the after-party. 2000 miles is a very long way to travel to spend an evening so I'm going to have to decline. I wish you all the best for the future.'

They’re likely the same posters on the school gates threads that say other women are never mean.

So do you know her husband and are you friends beyond the odd dinner every few months?

If you aren't emotionally close or spending extensive amounts of time together, an evening invite seems fine?

When you meet up do you visit her house or socialise elesewhere? Who pays the bill?
Turn down the invitation with no explanation. No wedding present either.

She's not the only one though. OP said that some from that group were invited to the whole day, some weren't.

I doubt OP is being singled out. But I appreciate its rubbish finding out that someone values a friendship differently than you.

Which bit? Main character?

Not unpleasant, honest. All these people on here acting like it’s a terrible insult to be given an evening invitation. It’s not, it’s pragmatic because we don’t have the same relationship with everyone and for some B&G there is a practical impact, for others they just want an intimate ceremony, for others there might be other reasons.

Expecting to be invited to everyone’s full day and getting offended if not means you’ve forgotten that. You’ve placed your own sense of who you are ahead of everyone else’s, particularly the B&G.

Or was it something else?

How do you get on when you do meet up? Is it all about nostalgia? Do you laugh together? Do you think she genuinely enjoys your company when you meet up?
I'm not having a go. I've been waiting for a friend to contact me when she's available for coffee and it turns out she's never available, even though her kids have left home and she doesn't work!