Evening only wedding invite

[lucylondon7878]

A friend of 20+ years is having her wedding:

• we were very close at school, over the years drifted a little but still maintain regular contact and meet regularly, know her parents etc
• I was a little surprised to only be invited to the evening part of her wedding
• more so given others, but not all, within that friendship group (who I'd say have the same level of contact) have been invited to the entire day
• made more awkward by the fact I now live around 2000 miles away
• the wedding is taking place on her land so it's not like "numbers" are really an issue, nor is budget

It makes me question whether to bother with this friendship as it seems a message is being sent, and my inclination is to just abandon it

I think the OP has explained why. She's been travelling long distances and making an effort to maintain a friendship.

@lucylondon7878 Bit rude of her, but surely the fact that you live 2000 miles away is a good enough reason to not go to the wedding full stop? (Even if you do visit the UK every 8 weeks!) The fact you live this distance away, and she has only invited you to the evening do is actually almost funny. (Sorry.) yeah, don't go! Don't worry about offending her, she clearly has no qualms about offending you.

Why are either of those things relevant?

Sorry OP, but definitely do not make it.
I wouldn't be travelling again either.
That would feel like a real slap in the face.
Every 8 weeks is very regular in my opinion for an adult friendship.

I would decline but no I would not make the assumptions you are about the details, i wont go to evening own but I have no further thoughts that politely declining and wont question their reasons

Because given the unbelievably effort the OP has gone to over many years for someone who patently isn’t bothered about her… would indicate the OP is rather lonely

I wouldn't travel more than 25 miles for an evening-only invite, but I wouldn't therefore end the friendship. She's not one of your closest friends and you aren't one of her closest. You're never going to be amazingly close but that's ok. Keep the friendship at that level.

It’s shit, OP. Losing a friend you love always is. I dropped the rope on a couple of college friends (after 40 years) after realising I was the one making all the arrangements to see them every few months and I haven’t heard from them since. Yes, their children were a bit younger and yes, we all have busy lives but it’s now been seven years and nothing. I will always like them and remember them but realise now they didn’t need my friendship. I hope it doesn’t upset you too much.

I think she's used to seeing you pop in an out of the country on the regular as you describe. She probably hasn't thought about the distance too much.

It does seem a bit of a fob off, given the effort you have made over the years. Other posters saying "it's not that deep" and "get a grip" might be right and you/we are reading too much into it.

But you say yourself the penny has dropped...and that's a gut instinct thing, no one can comment on it and tell you that you're right or wrong. That's something only you can decipher.

Go if you want. Don't go of you don't want.

I've always said weddings were mainly an excuse for people to seek offence.

Op I'd decline the invite as they say on here its an invite not a summons.

I'd also suggest the next time you are in London she comes to have dinner with you, or you meet half way.

Sounds like she's totally taking you for granted. And needs to step up of she wants the friendship to continue

Yeah, people always come out with this predictable line, (why do people get soooo offended by evening invites for weddings?) until they get an 'evening only' invite! 🙄

Goodness. You obviously make a massive amount of effort to see this person. Given that, an evening only invitation when you like 2000 miles away is a real slap in the face.

Why are you being such an arsehole? Are you always like this?

I selected YABU as I’m not against evening invites per se, however I misread 2000 as 200! So on the basis of distance, I’d decline. From what you’ve said & the effort you put into maintaining the friendship as compared to your friend, I’d let it go now. She has made it clear that she doesn’t view the friendship to the same level as you do. Sorry Op as that’s a horrible feeling.

It seems the friendship is very one sided. You make all the effort and get little in return. But it does not have to be no longer friends because of this. However, you could take a step back and see if she makes any effort with you....let the friendship take its natural course. Decline politely. I would just be honest, saying you would have loved to be there, but travelling all that way cannot be justified just for part of a wedding. If you would rather not say, just decline politely and remain cordial....but don't go putting all that effort to see her, unless she actually travels to London to see you. Is there a reason why she does not make the train ride to see you? Young kids perhaps? Then I can understand. But if there is no real excuse it is not acceptable.

If you’re absolutely sure that other friends are invited to the whole day, and not just those in the wedding party and family, then yes it’s pretty unkind of her to invite you to evening only when you’ve gone to such lengths to keep in touch. Where I’m from “evening only”
invites aren’t a thing so I’ve always found them rude full stop!

And as per pp I would decline very politely but still make it clear that the reason is because it’s a long journey to only be there for part of the event. i.e. make it clear you would have come had you received a proper invite!

And don’t do anything dramatic like block her or make a scene, just don’t put yourself out in future and see how things develop with the friendship.

Very true!

Snidey response.

Agree. Not delivered with good intentions.

This, don’t overthink it

I would be pulling back on this friendship and telling her why. It’s really hurtful op.

She does not value the friendship, and given your investment in time, effort and expense I think this certainly warrants a very honest chat.

So you would go to this effort every 8 weeks for a friend, and be content with an evening invite? After decades long friendship - if so, you are a bit of a mug.

It’s not about over thinking or under thinking - but simply looking at the facts.