Please? Or not

[IAmNeverThePerson]

Help solve an “discussion” between DH and the DC and I.

I (and the DC - 16 and 18) think that if you add please to a request that is adds optionality. So the person can say no. But if it is just a crack on and do it you shouldn’t say please. For example I would say to either DC. “DC pass me the salt” I wouldn’t say please but I would say thank you when they passed it.

DH thinks that is rude and you should always say please. We think that saying please is rude if the person shouldn’t say no.

what do you think?

I agree with your DH.

I would certainly use a please if asking someone to pass me something.

Team DH. Always say please when requesting something.

Team DH here too.

Rats..

I agree with your DH.

Yes its rude just add please even if you know its a given to happen.

Your husband is correct.

DH is right IMO

If you wouldn’t say please, why would you say thank you?

I’m team DH. Just not understanding the logic of thank you but not please.

For something like that I would say please, same as if I ask for anything really 'could you make me a brew please babe?' for example

If it's more like a demand like the kids tidying up then it could be dropped, but I tend to still do it, I find just demanding has a tendency to activate demand avoidance more than asking with manners

Also I want them to say please and thanks, so try to model it.

I may be weird, but I’ve always found that please at the end of a request sounds rude. To me it sounds terse and as if you, irritably, just want the thing done.

When you ask something of someone else it’s always optional whether you add please or not. Those who feel obligated just because you’ve added an extra word are idiots.

I’m not sure whether that’s YABU or YANBU.

I say thank you, instead! It removes the optional aspect but still feels polite.

Pass the salt, thanks!

Yep, team DH

Agree with your DH. The please doesn't make it optional but how it's worded does:

Sarah pass me the salt please - non optional.
Sarah can you pass me the salt please? - optional.

Both are rude without the please

I agree with your DH, it is rude not to say please when requesting something

Always say please, because there’s always an option.

Sorry I’m team DH too…

Of course you should say please! I mean, I kind of get what you're saying, but I don't agree with you. Saying please has absolutely nothing to do with whether the a response to a request is optional or not. Personally I would find your behaviour quite rude.

That said, I do I think the rules can be relaxed slightly between very close family and a please isn't necessary in every single interaction, as long as the tone is polite and light-hearted and not demanding. But that's nothing to do with the idea of it being an optional response.

Your DH is right.
Adding 'could you' makes it a request, please is just polite.

So I might say please could you pass me the salt, it would be a request rather than a command . But if I say please pass me the salt, it is a command.

My DH is like you! Actually never met anyone else who thinks that!

Without, a please, ‘pass me the salt’ is a demand or instruction imo. You expect them to stop eating or whatever to meet your needs.

Adding a please is more polite. I guess it makes it optional, but you are asking them to stop what they are doing to meet your requirements. That should be optional. If they say no, then it’s a bit rude not to comply with a fairly reasonable request.

I agree with DH but I do know what you mean. At work, when sending e-mails, I often agonise over the way that “please could you…” might be interpreted by colleagues at the same or higher level of seniority to me. It can feel awkward, but I have yet to find a satisfactory alternative.

Without the please it's an instruction = rude request.

With the please = polite request.

In either case the response is still optional and can still be 'No'.

Don't get distracted by domesticity - would you say 'please' when ordering a drink at the bar? Of course you would.

This whole query kind of explains why there is such a lack of basic manners and courtesy in society today.