Please? Or not

[IAmNeverThePerson]

Help solve an “discussion” between DH and the DC and I.

I (and the DC - 16 and 18) think that if you add please to a request that is adds optionality. So the person can say no. But if it is just a crack on and do it you shouldn’t say please. For example I would say to either DC. “DC pass me the salt” I wouldn’t say please but I would say thank you when they passed it.

DH thinks that is rude and you should always say please. We think that saying please is rude if the person shouldn’t say no.

what do you think?

I don't think you entirely understand what the word please means. It has nothing to do with the option to say no, anyone can say no to anything, with or without the word please? This is about manners, specifically having the bare minimum amount of manners to say please when asking someone to do something for you or to give something to you. I can't believe you actually have to ask this question, and it's ridiculous that you have now raised your kids to behave with equal ignorance?!

I don't think it's necessarily rude (would depend on the tone) but it's more rude than saying it with a please

DH is right. 'Pass me the salt' = no salt

My DH's first language doesn't really use the words please and thank you that often. I had to train him to say please and thank you in English as I couldn't tolerate the "pass the salt" type commands. Imo, it's rude not to say please, regardless of the domestic setting. I'm not sure why you'd treat your loved ones with any less courtesy than random strangers?

And "pass the salt please" is absolutely still a command. Just a polite one.

Always please and thank you. It's good manners and shows appreciation.

Genius
@IAmNeverThePerson in my experience it doesn't work as I'm the same and feel your pain. But I will make an effort using this advice ^

I agree with your DH. It's rude not to say please.

I'm in Australia, and even after nearly twenty years, growl inwardly at the unadorned "Excuse me" habitual in Aussies. It sounds like an instruction not a request. I should emphasise that in no way do I think they are being deliberately or even carelessly rude, not at all, it's just how it sounds to British ears.

If you just said “pass me the salt”, the answer would definitely be a no.

Rude bugger.

Yes.

why can’t you say “sweetheart put your coat on please”

The word please doesn’t make something optional, how you phrase it might.

Op I do same as you. No clue if I’m rude!!

I’m going to derail slightly by asking opinions on “excuse me”. DH thinks it needs a please as otherwise it’s a command, I don’t and think the politeness is about the tone.

I agree with your DH OP.

Of course it can be no. Go get me some pasta. No. End of scene 🤷‍♀️

OP, I'm curious if you have a different cultural background?
I remember reading about someone studying interactions with Polish plumbers (random I know). Apparently they can be considered rude in the UK because they don't say please - just 'pass the screwdriver ' for example.

What they found was that actually, for them dropping the please was a sign of 'we're in this together, we're working together, so of course you'll help'.
It was a sign of friendship almost.

That’s like giving an order.

But you can say please to friends too. Pass the screwdriver would make me want to reply with I am not your servant. It’s literally like giving orders.

OP, I am team dh.

Of course you can, and I'm team DH as I would say please.
I'm simply wondering if OP has connections to a culture where putting the please makes it rude to her.

Always say please.

The other person can politely decline.

Agree with DH generally but if it’s literally nuclear family having dinner then you can drop the please occasionally

I don’t differentiate, always say please, firstly it’s rude and secondly it’s one word, it’s not going to kill you and you won’t run out of words for you say please 50 times a day … there’s no limit, and that will take up approximately 30 seconds of your day

How does it remove the optional aspect? The answer can still be no.

There is no way to remove the option of somebody saying no.

It is rude. Like when Americans order food in restaurants and just say ‘can I get the……’ with no please or thank you. That’s really rude IMO! You’re talking to an actual person - be polite you asshole!

I am also team DH.

And I’d think your kids were pretty rude too if they behaved in the same way.

This is so obtuse! The inclusion (or not) of the word ‘please’ does not define whether a sentence is an instruction, a question or a request, and I don’t know anybody who would contextualise it that way. “Put your coat on please” is an instruction. A kid may well refuse to do so, but it’s not because they believe they’re ‘being given the option to say no’!

In a lot of other languages and cultures (Scandi countries, Thailand, for eg) please and thank you are largely superfluous, as the communication style is more direct. But in the UK it’s a social nicety - a thank you in advance, if you like - and is deemed polite because it indicates a level of respect between you and the person you’re speaking to.

If you just said to me ‘pass the salt’, I’d think you were a rude twat. Plenty of people are, and plenty don’t bother teaching their kids good manners, but I’d always assumed it was borne of ignorance rather than a weirdly quirky interpretation of sentence construction!

Also, “can I get” doesn’t actually make sense @DarcyProudman . They can’t get it because they don’t work there.

Of course you need to say please!