Please? Or not

[IAmNeverThePerson]

Help solve an “discussion” between DH and the DC and I.

I (and the DC - 16 and 18) think that if you add please to a request that is adds optionality. So the person can say no. But if it is just a crack on and do it you shouldn’t say please. For example I would say to either DC. “DC pass me the salt” I wouldn’t say please but I would say thank you when they passed it.

DH thinks that is rude and you should always say please. We think that saying please is rude if the person shouldn’t say no.

what do you think?

I think you're absolutely wrong here. It's please and thank you. Not either/or.

It takes barely any extra effort or time to say please, why would you not do it?

95% of the people who voted say youre in the wrong. Take the defeat 😂

and one of the “YANBU” votes was me…

dang it.

Adding please to a demand doesn't make it a question, it makes it more polite!

The context is what makes it prickly, not the tone or way the word please is said. In appropriate context, please sounds fine.

But because I’m friendly and casual with my family, I know they know I’m polite, I know what small and reasonable asks they’d be perfectly willing to do, so I’m able to use many other words, phrases, tones, body language or whatever that indicate it’s not a nasty and unreasonable demand without the specific word pleased, which is the short form way of conveying that to a stranger.

Adding an unneeded please feels over the top, it almost gives an underlying implication that I wouldn’t want to, might refuse, need convincing to do, that puts me on edge.

I think you must have a very rigid and small view of what “decency” is if the word please is the sole way to convey it and the entire difference between pleasant and nasty.

You can call my views small and rigid if you wish - that's not pleasant is it?

Neither is saying I don’t even pass the bar of basic decency, due to the way I’ve been brought up to have this modern lack of courtesy, because I’m able to be polite without needing the magic word on every single occasion no matter the circumstances.

I agree with your DH and am always in favour of please and thank you. But it's weird though, as my DH is the same, yet he tells me that I should drop the please when asking (or telling / demanding) that my DC do something like tidy up, especially if they're being obstinate and refusing. He's being slightly hypocritical saying he's hot on manners, yet technically telling me manners don't matter when telling a child to do something that they refuse etc

I think it depends on the context and situation but in general, I always think good manners never go amiss.

See, I agree with you here. I would ALWAYS say please with friends, co-workers, shops, restaurants etc. but I think it's fine to drop the please with close family so long as your tone is polite and not demanding, and you say thank you. It's sort of a shorthand thing. Difficult to explain but I get what you're saying.

I voted YUBU though because I don't really understand or agree with your reasoning on your OP with that stuff about optional requests.

😂

Another who thinks YABU here.
Along with 96% when I voted.

I mean, I'm not saying I am always polite to my nearest and dearest, but I can't agree with your ideas about 'optional' requests. I do agree with your dh that polite people, when asking for anything, would use please.

Yes absolutely always please and thankyou when out and about.

the boys point was when your mother asked you to pass something no is not a realistic option and therefore please is unnecessary and arguely rude.

DH had a long history of asking questions like “please will you put your coat on?”. Which is a question and therefore the answer can be no. But if it is an instruction “sweetheart put your coat on” that is still polite but they understand better what is expected (obvs at their age whether or not they put their coat on is their problem)

I cant say I have said please 100% of the time but yes I say and expect it normally

But "Please put your coat on" isn't any more a question than "Sweetheart put your coat on".

Yes but is “sweatheart put your coat on” ruder than “please put your coat on”?

That would be “grab the pasta out of the cupboard please love”.

It’s still an instruction.

I think I would do the same as you OP.

I don't think other languages are as preoccupied with politeness. I think in Spanish you would say this as a command without the can/could element.

Yes, to me it is. It wouldn't really bother me, but, yes, I do find it ruder. And it still goes against your main point - which was that adding a "please" makes it a request/question.

I too think that saying please and thank you is needed to be polite.

However, when dealing with very young children who are being obstinate, if you say "Put your shoes on Jack, please!", but don't say it in a commanding voice, they will believe they have a choice and decide they are not doing what you need them to do.

In other words, adding please as part of so called 'gentle parenting' will be useless.

However, as part of teaching a child how to ask for something that they want from someone else, saying please and thank you, should be automatic at home and outside of the home.

This reminds me of the chorus of 'pass the peas please' when we were kids at the dinner table.

Also, when I learned German I liked the way 'reiche mir die butter bitte' rolled off the tongue.

No, I have never come across this.Your definition of optional and not optional requests/demands seems very arbitrary to me. Please" makes it more polite, not more optional.

The answer can always be no. No I need to go to the loo right this second or I'll burst. No my nail varnish is still wet. No I haven't washed my hands since I took the bins out. No that item's smells is turning my stomach and I can't touch it.

This reminds me of my autistic son's autistic friend who finds "please could you" too much of a demand and only complies with "please would you". He has a very specific meaning tied to those 2 phrases which I believe is not widespread among the population.

Maybe there was someone in your early life who actually was terse a lot of the time. That would do it.

Simply saying please doesn't actually make people polite as they can still say it sharply (I can't believe I'm having to ask you!) or sarcastic, but not saying it sounds terse to me.

Pass me the salt. Err, that'll be no.

I just say please because it's natural to me, and also I don't want to come across as a demanding arsehole.

Yes it is ruder! I don't get how you think it isn't. Neither are optional but 'sweetheart please put your coat on' is less rude

dripfeed: it was not salt.

I'm now wondering what the ingredient was. Clearly something very outing...

I'm firmly in DH's camp, but I don't think "sweetheart, put your coat on" is rude.