Am I out of touch, old fashioned or are people these days just super sensitive

[Ruggerlass]

I’ve got my hard hat ready. I’ve been on here a few months now and some of the things I read make me think it’s no surprise the divorce rate is so high. It seems like people in relationships don’t want to compromise and talk through any difficulties they may have and men are the public enemy number 1. Don’t get me wrong no one should stay in an abusive relationship etc of any kind. For the record I’ve been married 38 years, We’ve had our ups and downs but have worked through them which seems to be lacking these days.,

Also - side note - if somebody decides they don’t actually want to try “hard enough” to maintain their marriage, I genuinely don’t see the issue (especially when no kids are involved.)

I also think that standards are woefully low when only abuse or infidelity are seen as valid reasons to leave a marriage.

OP you do come across as very smug and know it all just because you managed to work out your own marriage issues but refuse to acknowledge that this only worked because your DH heard your ultimatum and said 'okay I see what you're saying and I'll change'.

What if he had said he understood and that he'd change but then didn't? Or told you you were crazy and the real problem? Or had just said 'no actually I don't want to, let's call it a day.'

Your posts all come across as blaming women in particular for 'not communicating' and then using examples from your own marriage where again, it only worked because you both listened and both changed, but make no attempt to understand that sometimes people just don't change or listen - or they do but only for a brief period. And it's not necessarily both people in the relationship. If you're trying to make your partner understand why you're feeling frustrated or upset and they'd rather bury their head in the sand and refuse to discuss it what are you supposed to do?

I think it's great actually that we're in an era where anyone can hold their hands up and say 'I don't want to live with this person anymore' and they can walk away - it's hard work, emotionally, financially etc to leave a marriage and I applaud anyone who made that decision to be honest.

Genuinely why does it bother you so much if other couples are divorcing for any reason? In your relationship it's okay to think 'you know what, I made a commitment, we need to communicate and work harder' but if someone else doesn't feel that way what does it have to do with you at all? You keep coming back to 'oh yes I understand why people leave abusive situations' but abuse comes in many forms and refusing to communicate is one of them - what is one to do in that situation exactly?

I agree communication has to be a two way street, hence why I said “people”

You can say people all you want. Your posts make it clear you blame women.

It's always mothers of boys who have these kinds of views. Probably can't bear the idea that women aren't universally going to indulge the behaviour of their precious sons. We can see how some of the MIL threads on here arise.

I'm still waiting for an answer to my question: I'd like to be pointed to a thread on here where the OP is planning to call time on her marriage without having raised the problem with her partner or tried to have a conversation with him.

Some mothers might be like that, but I’m not. Yes my sons are precious but not in the derogatory way you imply. They have been raised to respect others and treat them as they themselves would like to be treated. One is married and the other lives with his partner and both relationships are very much an equal partnership as it should be. I also have a great relationship with my DILs ( yes I refer to my son’s partner as DIL as she is very much part of the family.
I can’t remember specific threads off the top of my head just that I recall seeing some over the past few months.

I can’t remember specific threads off the top of my head just that I recall seeing some over the past few months.

Yes, I'm not surprised that you can't point us to any.

OK, having read all of your replies I accept that perhaps I’m a tad old fashioned in my views of relationships. By that I mean generally marriage should be for life. Whilst I agree in most people go into marriage not ever expecting to split up, I do think there are some who get married with the “let’s give it a go” attitude. Having said that I’ve always agreed that relationships be it marriage, cohabiting etc should be a partnership, with couples working together to try and resolve all life’s trials and tribulations.
Prior to retiring I spent over 20 years working with women some of whom could be seen as vulnerable and were in the most horrible relationships. What it did teach me though, it is not always men who are the perpetrators of abuse etc, yes in the majority of cases it is, but women can be just as bad, but unfortunately men rarely speak up about it, but that’s a discussion for another day.

What would you have done if your husband hadn’t responded to your ultimatum in the way that you wanted?

Tbh I’m not 100% sure. I hadn’t really thought it through as I was sure it wouldn’t have come to that. I suppose I would have crossed that bridge if I had too. He just needed to be made aware of how things were. I genuinely believe rightly or wrongly he had no idea the impact his working hours were having and he genuinely thought he was doing right to provide for his family (such an old fashioned phrase now).

So how does that differ from anyone else who separates from their spouse?

It doesn't. That's what is so confusing about this thread.

The difference being I knew it wouldn’t happen. I knew how he’d respond. He’s very much of the same page as me re marriage.

Did you fuck. You were lucky.

These are genuinely the most insane takes I have ever seen. Congrats to you I guess?

No luck involved.

I think the op is doing what a lot of people do, telling themselves that something unpleasant like divorce could never happen to her. That as long as she does all the right things and 'works hard' she will remain married.
It's nice to believe that divorce is something that happens to silly people who don't really understand the commitment of marriage I guess.

She seems to acknowledge that there are plenty of good reasons for ending a marriage. She says that she thinks she may have seen some threads over the space of a few months where people are leaving their marriages over trivial stuff. She can't point us towards them though. All very vague.

basically her opinion is based on nothing but it makes her feel safe and just a little bit superior

I go away with my friends and my husband stays behind on his own…

I have been happily married and with my husband for over 30y. It could end tomorrow. I take nothing for granted and know I cannot control everything.

The idea that people don’t communicate and get divorced easily on a whim is as irritating as hell. How on earth do you know other couples are not communicating?? Seriously?

There's a real arrogance in it isn't there? Looking at someone who's getting divorced and telling yourself they just weren't as committed or good at communicating as you.

I know. People do generally try to communicate and make some headway before starting the long and difficult divorce process. The idea of others shaking their heads at them, tutting, ‘if only they had just tried a bit harder’, makes me cringe so much.

Yes , of course , silly me.

You’re just better.
Better at choosing a man.
Better at keeping him.
Better at communicating.
Better at staying married.

Well done!

Well OP I’ve been with my DH for more than 30 years and I’ve never had to threaten him with divorce to force him to prioritise family over work.

Does that make me luckier than you?

Your posts don’t shout “perfect marriage and super communication and conflict resolution skills” to me.

Not at all. It happened almost 30 years ago and was the one and only time we’ve had such issues. I believe that no marriage is perfect. They all have their ups and downs. To some my marriage may not be ideal given my husband works away amounting to about 4 months per year but it works for us.