Am I out of touch, old fashioned or are people these days just super sensitive

[Ruggerlass]

I’ve got my hard hat ready. I’ve been on here a few months now and some of the things I read make me think it’s no surprise the divorce rate is so high. It seems like people in relationships don’t want to compromise and talk through any difficulties they may have and men are the public enemy number 1. Don’t get me wrong no one should stay in an abusive relationship etc of any kind. For the record I’ve been married 38 years, We’ve had our ups and downs but have worked through them which seems to be lacking these days.,

Snap.

Agree. The phrase good woman rarely comes up.

And you know that these friends who you encourage to "plod" along in their unhappy marriage, and who then don't listen are both happy and in love? I am not sure I believe this whole premise that people are both happy and in love but just throw everything away because they are too sensitive. I reckon people are just more empowered to express when they aren't happy.

Shouted and screamed? So at certain points you(or he) can’t make yourself heard ir understood? And after 30 years you can’t trust each other and live kindly and quietly? You needed to think harder about what love excuses. Because it isn’t an all purpose cover for immaturity and emotional incontinence..

There are lots of divorces in my family and none of the people involved just "jumped ship". No one gets married thinking they'll get divorced, it often comes reluctantly after years of struggle and compromise.

Congratulations on having such a long, successful marriage, but it doesn't give you the right to judge people who didn't last as long. One person's 'too sensitive' is another person's breaking point.

The issue is that most of the time the conversations are had before jumping ship. The posts are just the latest in a string of shitty behaviour and conversations that go nowhere. Those conversations tend to go a few ways, nothing changes, they change for a bit and then go back to their old ways , they get sneery/angry/resentful/dismissive/gaslighting . The “you don’t like it? Get a job” types. That’s the best case scenario.

By the time the poster posts she’s already put up with a lot and she genuinely does not know how to have that conversation anymore, because nothing worked. In fact, 90% of the posts are about how to fix the relationship . Sadly, there’s no real relationship to fix.

I’m genuinely sorry to read that. Of course there are times when you can’t work through things adultery being one of them.

Of course we can trust that people are fully aware of what they’re doing. I don’t want divorce to be harder, but I do think there may be instances where if couples sat down and actually communicated a lot of issues could be resolved. Communication is key. Having said that I accept that if no one is prepared to listen then you can’t force them.

you are really twisting the comments to fit your narrative aren’t you?

I think you are referring to my comment that you ‘set the bar pretty low’ if you think a marriage to a horrible, selfish man child is worthwhile because you end up with a house instead of renting.

i actually think it’s a very high price for a home.

there are many better routes to home ownership.

But I also said I get why people choose to stay. So actually no judgement!

I am not saying you are ‘low bar’ - your standards for a happy marriage are.

I’d also say you weren’t protecting your financial interest, you were putting up with a load of shit to get someone’s inheritance. That’s fine, but it doesn’t mean that others should do the same.

This x 1000.

a lot of people don’t want the effort of splitting up!

Totally agree and well said

Oh come on, considering all the implications of divorce (financial, emotional, kids etc) how many couples do you think get a divorce without any communication and at least one of them trying? And if it really happens , then neither of them gives a shit really and it wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with, was it?

Also, sadly, there a lot more women stuck in crappy (at best) marriages than women divorcing at the drop of a hat without “even having a conversation “.

What if your partner doesn’t choose to plod on? How many women have been left holding the bag, the SEN children, the eldercare responsibilities, the health care crises while their husband abandons them?

Look at the actual statistics! Statistically, I believe, more women apply for divorce than men but that is because more men than women abstract themselves from the marriage neatly without a formal divorce. If you look under the stats you find the reality which is that men don’t initiate divorce (like they don’t initiate marriage) because its not of benefit to them. W/r/t divorce they may not benefit from the asset split of the divorce, if any, but they can effectively abandon the responsibility of even supporting their own children while staying formally married.

So being willing to plod on in harness is not always possible.

what do you mean "divorce is too easy?"
In what way would you like it to be harder? More expensive? Go back to having to evidence cheating or abuse? Because in that case the friends you "supported all the way" when they divorced because they "simply grew apart" would still be stuck married to each other.

You're making a very general, overarching statement but giving specifics that say supporting the complete opposite, it's nonsensical.

Either it's okay for people to divorce even when neither party has done anything 'wrong,' they just don't want to be together anymore, or it isn't.

Unless, of course, it's okay for your friends to 'easily' divorce because they're your friends and you want them to be happy, but other people are 'divorcing too easily,' because you don't know and care about them so are using made up examples to back up your illogical and contradictory judgement?

Whereas, in reality, every 'thinking of LTB' poster on MN is someone else's friend and thus equally deserving of an 'easy' divorce as yours!

btw I don't think you know what 'castigating' means, as it doesn't make any sense in the context you've said it. You're not being accused of castigating women for staying in a bad relationship, it's the complete opposite, you're judging people for leaving relationships too easily.

You have no idea what you're talking about as you've never been through it.

The ramifications of divorce are immense, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically.

It isn't fucking easy and can't be avoided by just communicating better. Seriously!

I can’t understand how you’ve determined which couples have tried hard enough and which haven’t. What exactly is the criteria they need to meet to justify their divorce?

If you're in a good marriage you don't need 'resilience' to stay married. The marriage itself is what gives you resilience.

Still waiting on examples from Mumsnet where people have been advised to leave a marriage based on very little. I won't hold my breath....

I think 'sensitive' is the wrong word, because it conjures up an image of weak emotionally driven women weeping helplessly at the hurt they feel. The implication often they are unable to cope without more from partners, rather than justifiably unwilling to.
In reality what you're describing is having low tolerance for certain behaviour in their partners which causes inconvenience, extra work, or makes them feel disrespected.
It's not 'sensitive' to object to your partners lads holiday or female best friend, it's having a clear idea of what you want your relationship to look like and what you're not prepared to settle for. Some things other women think are deal breakers would be fine with me. Sometimes I think they tolerate things I wouldn't. However having your own view of whats acceptable and refusing to compromise where its not, is a strength, not a sensitivity, which implies weakness.

I don’t think you can judge the rest of society by some of the (frankly) insane things that some people say on MN.

DH leaves his underpants on the floor - ‘get your ducks in a row and LTB’

Mother never rings me - ‘Go NC’.

It’s often just people pontificating behind anonymous user names when in real life, no one ever really breaks up a marriage just because their husband doesn’t know how to use a laundry basket. It’s just the Internet and people trying to be clever (I think!)

Thinking on it , sensitive was the wrong word to use and I agree with you. I perhaps could have worded my OP better. The points you made is what I was alluding to. Having said that I still think sometimes problems could be resolved if only people communicated better though I accept in some instances that can be easier said than done.

You can communicate until the cows come home, but if the other person is unwilling to listen or change, it’s pointless. If your husband wouldn’t have responded to your ultimatum (btw… an ultimatum shows that any previous communication attempts have failed) ?

It’s also quite interesting how you say people but your posts primarily target women and their lack of “communication “.

Whether they are one of her friends or not, apparently.

I have worked up the courage to be brave and to communicate with many people but it has often fallen on deaf ears, or I was rebuked. I have been treated like a punching bag. Its easy to make these judgements if you haven't been in someone's shoes. Your post comes across a bit smug or superior.

People aren’t more super sensitive. More people simple have standards and aren’t prepared to put up with anything just to have the “status” of being married.

A lot of people fetishise long marriages over healthy ones.