Am I out of touch, old fashioned or are people these days just super sensitive

[Ruggerlass]

I’ve got my hard hat ready. I’ve been on here a few months now and some of the things I read make me think it’s no surprise the divorce rate is so high. It seems like people in relationships don’t want to compromise and talk through any difficulties they may have and men are the public enemy number 1. Don’t get me wrong no one should stay in an abusive relationship etc of any kind. For the record I’ve been married 38 years, We’ve had our ups and downs but have worked through them which seems to be lacking these days.,

There isn't perfect or romantic marriage. Most people just cohabit and are friendly to each other and this is what keeps them going. My husband was a spoiled man brat when I met him. Mil on apron strings. Coward. Tried various financial tactics. I pressed him with divorce every single time and the bloody bustard did change because we weren't rich so he feared he has to part with 50 % of the equity.

But we were similar personalities and had similar tastes and hobbies. It was worth fighting for it because he was caring in many other ways. I wouldn't be owning if we divorced. I would be renting somewhere

So men will try it on you, will try to keep separate finance, will try other things. Don't give them a chance to do it. Press them against the wall every single time. Of they don't change, yes, divorce. Why staying in a place where he robes you daily if what the law says is 50% yours....why stay with a man who's supposed to be your everything but is always out ???

I completely understand that it’s not easy to split up if it means a big drop in lifestyle. And as I’ve said in other posts, for most people whether to divorce or not is a financial decision.

but it’s really sad that your DH was only moved by the fear of losing his home and not because he wanted you to be happy. It’s basic human decency to treat people with respect- not least your wife!

it’s also a real shame that the one thing you point out as a benefit of marriage is owning rather than renting. that’s a pretty low bar.

and I don’t think I’ve got rose tinted glasses on- I know you don’t have to be madly in love. I know many ‘good’ marriages where one person has confided that it’s not a great romance, but they’re good friends and respect each other.

People are always saying things like your Point 2. I can only conclude that’s another Mumsnet that goes to a different school. Because I have never seen a poster told to leave her husband over something trivial. Maybe I missed the “braying mob?”. Occasionally it’s something trivial that has finally been the straw that breaks the camel’s back, though….

I'd love someone to post some links to threads like this. If there's so many of them it should be pretty easy to do?

MumsNet isn't an accurate reflection of the world. You're going to see a disproportionate number of people talking about bad relationships/situations here. People in good relationships don't generally need advice from strangers.

You're also only getting one side of every story. And that's before you get into people exaggerating and plain making things up for attention.

And you have to remember, all these people saying "Leave the bastard" at the drop of a hat would never take their own advice in the real world, it's just a lot of big talk on the internet because they're anonymous. I take very little on this site seriously.

I would say that marriage isn't the institution it used to be though.

Agree. I fought for my marriage and wanted to leave the bustard but he changed every single time so we stayed together. He's in Heaven now

I also look at m.n as a place where people just vent and offload ....divorce doesn't happen on m.n but in real life

It's a place to exchange info or get your communication fix. I doubt women who have proper communication needs met in real life do spend much time on here

Well if you've got "one of the good ones" then you've got no idea what it's like to be married to someone who isn't "one of the good ones," then do you? Rendering your opinion on how long someone should stay in a bad relationship pretty superfluous.

Castigating women for leaving a bad husband just because the reasons dont appear (because, you know, its quite hard to sum up an entire relationship and all the relevant context in a short post on an anonymous internet forum) to meet your criteria for "bad enough" doesn't really cast you in a particularly good light. You sound smug and unempathetic.

You only have one life, thinking anyone should spending theirs married to someone who actively makes them unhappy, just because they don't actively beat them up, is weird.

How do other people's marriages not lasting forever negatively impact you, exactly? If it doesn't, why are you so judgey?

I’m in no way castigating women for staying in a bad relationship. I’ve got friends who have been in abusive relationships in all shapes, physical, emotional and cohesive or their marriage has broken down due to adultery or they’ve simply grown apart and I’ve supported them all the way. It’s very judgmental of you assume I have no empathy. I’ve never said that women shouldn’t leave in those circumstances of course they should. I had a work colleague who was abused by his wife so it can go both ways.
i just think that divorce is too easy now and in some cases people just don’t want to make the effort to save the marriage.
You’re right it doesn’t impact me but I can still have an opinion and people have the choice to agree or disagree.

@Ruggerlass Do you want divorce to be harder? It's already expensive and in a lot of cases hugely complicated and drawn out. It's a haven for abusers but hell for those who are being abused. What would be the point of making it even harder? Can we not just trust that people who decide to get a divorce have thought it through and made the decision fully aware of what they are doing?

Also, staying in a marriage is a lot easier than leaving. Those who leave are those who are willing/have been forced to put the effort in.

Yes, I've never understood this rhetoric, that marriage is something that is 'work' and 'takes effort' as if those of us who are lucky enough to make it have somehow been grafting away industriously unlike lazy divorcees.

Call me crazy but I think if a relationship is hard work maybe it's not right? Me and my husband have been through the usual tribulations in our decades together; bereavement, ill health, work stress, kid stress, money worries but the relationship itself has never been hard work.

People don't do divorce because they just can't be bothered to make a marriage work. I'm sure most people said their marriage vows in good faith and didn't think "hell if it's too much like hard work I'll just divorce them"

It's not bloody easy. It's also time-consuming and expensive. It's not just signing a form, there's finances, pensions, children,property, then the emotional side. Not forgetting having to start again.

Your post restored my faith in humanity. Thanks lol

You're lucky. So don't be smug. Up I told last year I was happily married for 25 years and then he left me for someone else. Not sure what I was meant to do to "work thought" that!

Someone judged me for staying in marriage, called me low bar because I protected my financial interest abd now own the whole asset he left behind. Yes it feels good to own. Tough titties to the judgements

I've been around divorce topics and I've been around fighting for the marriage. He wasn't abusive but spoiled man brat and ive trained him to be a better more caring man. My success isn't rare. If they have some redeemable qualities, fight to keep them. If they don't, that's easy but way too expensive for many. I know women who after divorce never recovered and shut themselves in

I don't know, I think it's a good think that women now have the ability to be financially independent so they can leave a relationship that doesn't serve them.

Yes I agree. We've been married 33 years and just keep plodding through together, whether it's traumas, mild illnesses, serious illnesses, kids sen issues, etc.

We prop each other up no matter how bad things are.
We're a kind of tag team!

When others I know are going through things, I do try to persuade them to "plod on" and give it another try. Because often it's not the marriage, it's the problem itself.
But most don't, sadly.

This isn't me gloating or being patronising. We're far from perfect but we ARE happy.
I just wish sometimes, that people had more resilience because it's certainly needed nowadays.

In my opinion, life is bloody hard but NOT the marriage or partnership, if you truly love each other.

I don't think it's any better to encourage someone to plod on than it is to leave. Why should someone stay in an unhappy marriage just to what? Be married? Why is it sad they don't want to stay married? I am married but don't really understand this idea that marriage - and staying in one regardless - is somehow the superior solution.

You're happy. That's the difference.

If someone is unhappy in a marriage regardless of cause, why should they just plod along and live a life of unhappiness because some smug married people don't think they put the effort in.

It's the superior situation from a religious, traditionalist point of view

I'm religious but used the word, divorce, in my marriage as many times as it was needed

Thanks, but can you read my last two paragraphs again please?

"Far from perfect but we ARE happy"
"If you truly love each other"

Obviously if one or both no longer love each other or no longer happy, that's different.

A big problem I notice on this forum is cheating. Your spouse going behind your back and sleeping with someone else. Has this ever happened to you?