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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I out of touch, old fashioned or are people these days just super sensitive

226 replies

Ruggerlass · 16/08/2025 20:48

I’ve got my hard hat ready. I’ve been on here a few months now and some of the things I read make me think it’s no surprise the divorce rate is so high. It seems like people in relationships don’t want to compromise and talk through any difficulties they may have and men are the public enemy number 1. Don’t get me wrong no one should stay in an abusive relationship etc of any kind. For the record I’ve been married 38 years, We’ve had our ups and downs but have worked through them which seems to be lacking these days.,

OP posts:
Inquizitive · 17/08/2025 07:52

Personally I haven't seen that. In fact I've seen more instances of people needing a divorce or never marry than healthy relationships. My friend who is abusing her children repeatedly cites her decades long marriage as proof of commitment and stability but her marriage much like the way she treats her children is based on control. She also complains about women destroying families but that's not what's happening from my POV. With that said we do not have relationship skills then or now tbh. We could all benefit from community and some education and commitment to understanding each other.

RhaenysRocks · 17/08/2025 07:52

JLou08 · 16/08/2025 23:08

I don't think it's just about 'these days' or you being old fashioned as I see people say they've been married for years come out with some LTBs for things that are insignificant. I've seen a fair few say they would leave of there DH even raised their voice or swore at them. That just seems crazy to me. Regular shouting and swearing to intimidate is abusive, doing it in the heat of the moment when there is a tense disagreement is normal.

And I'm incredulous that you think that's ok. I've had three ten year long relationships. In not one of them was I ever shouted at or sworn at. Posters ask "AIBU to he upset he called me a cunt". I mean....you have to ask?

Thenose · 17/08/2025 08:07

You're not really talking about commitment. You're patting yourself on the back by putting other women down. The subtext of your posts is: "I managed to keep my marriage, so anyone who didn't must just be oversensitive or unwilling to try". That isn't fair, and it isn't true.

People aren't throwing away their marriages because they're "too sensitive" or can't be bothered to talk. They're leaving because they've already tried talking, often for years, and been shown it makes no difference. When they realise that every attempt to explain how they feel ends in dismissal, minimising or arguments, they eventually stop wasting their breath. Their silence isn't laziness. It's how they protect themselves after their partner has taught them that their words don't count or will be used against them.

You keep saying you "talked things through" and "worked it out". But the only reason that worked is because your husband did finally listen and change when faced with an ultimatum. That's not some magical skill in compromise on your part. It's simply that your partner was willing to respect you enough to act. That is exactly what is missing in so many of the stories women post here.

The truth is, if he hadn't changed jobs after you pushed the point, your marriage would have been one of those you now sneer at. You'd have been just another woman saying, "I can't do this anymore". You weren't different. You were lucky.

So no, people aren't abandoning decent marriages over nothing. They're walking away from men who refuse to pull their weight, refuse to take them seriously, and refuse to change even when they know the harm they cause. That isn't over-sensitivity; it's just common sense.

Petitchat · 17/08/2025 08:09

Ruggerlass · 16/08/2025 21:44

i was a STAHM with two children a year apart. I’d no family support and I suppose left holding the babies so to speak. We moved 3 hours away from family and my husband often worked overseas too. I’ll be honest sometimes it felt like I was a single parent without the financial constraints. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying dad’s shouldn’t help out as my DH did but the bulk of the childcare did fall on me which I didn’t have an issue with.

But you're thinking about marriage in the old fashioned way.

You talk about dads "helping out"
That makes them sound like a friendly neighbour.
Dads ARE NOT "helping", they're caring for their own children.

Some women say their DH is "babysitting:" No he's not. He's just looking after his own children.

There's a massive difference.
Is a mum EVER classed as "babysitting" her own children or "helping out"?
No....

frozendaisy · 17/08/2025 08:09

CrumpledAnkle · 16/08/2025 22:32

I am in my 50s and have been with my husband for 30 years. I am the opposite to you. I’m shocked at what women put up with. I’m often disappointed at hearing about the behaviour of men and what women are tolerating in generations much younger than mine. I had hoped that that women were less inclined to tolerate misogyny and unfairness of domestic chores etc. Yet there is still in an imbalance and women come off worse. More women should be leaving.

i love reading about women with high standards.

I have raised my son and daughter to be young adults with high expectations from a partner and also high expectations of themselves. No regrets.

I would love women to have less tolerance of bad behaviour from men.

About the same age and totally agree with this

We were brought up and had friends, media influences that were I don’t know just more, screw this I will not put up with your nonsense

But it seems to be an utter mess at the moment and impossible to advise.

With the mess of social media influencers, online dating so you can flick through options at any time, there are a bunch of men who don’t get married but expect a trad wife, talk of body counts, everyone expected to have airbrushed bodies and perfect houses in the 20s - oh god it’s a mess

Huge rise in people talking about triggers and want a fluffy safe environment at all times and amateur overanalyse with psychobabble about love languages.

Many simple progressive ideas have been lost already, like the one that had biological research attached, if you like a person’s natural smell it tends towards you having different genetics, a good mix if you want to make babies, everyone is covered in scents now and other simple basics.

And we have teens to navigate through this!

Petitchat · 17/08/2025 08:11

Inquizitive · 17/08/2025 07:52

Personally I haven't seen that. In fact I've seen more instances of people needing a divorce or never marry than healthy relationships. My friend who is abusing her children repeatedly cites her decades long marriage as proof of commitment and stability but her marriage much like the way she treats her children is based on control. She also complains about women destroying families but that's not what's happening from my POV. With that said we do not have relationship skills then or now tbh. We could all benefit from community and some education and commitment to understanding each other.

Are you standing by while she "abuses her children repeatedly"?

chatgptsbestmate · 17/08/2025 08:14

Ruggerlass · 16/08/2025 23:34

Sorry he set up his own consultancy business when they were 1&2 thereby an initial drop in salary. When they were 3&4 things came to a head when he was working long hours and often overseas on a long term contracts. After the discussion he dissolved the business having found a permanent job

And what would you have done after you'd talked it through and he DIDN'T change his job? You'd have left him. Rightly so

Your premise on this thread seems to be that women nowadays leave their husbands without trying to work it through.

I've not found that on MN nor in real life

I think this thread is simply a thinly disguised stealth boast. 38 years.....well done 🙄

frozendaisy · 17/08/2025 08:20

NewBlueNoteBook · 17/08/2025 07:44

i have a teenaged son. He’s fantastic.

My husband and father are very good men.

I am fortunate that the men in my life and in my daughter’s life are sensible, hardworking, kind and stable.

The reason that the media is full of reports of angry, violent, abusive men is that the world is full of angry, violent, abusive men.

84% arrests are men
96% prison population is men
82% violent offences are committed by men
92% drug offences committed by men
98% sexual offences committed by men

The media aren’t imagining it.

As for celebrating the good ones? Our entire culture is set up to celebrate men. Wealthy successful men are venerated even when they are known to be bad husbands, bad fathers, terrible colleagues. Hell you can even get elected US President (twice!!)

My husband, father and father in law are role models for my son. Those are the men he looks up to.

As for wider celebrations of “good men”? Our standards as a society are very, very low, how often to posters suffering at the hands of clearly dreadful men say “he’s a good father”. Or “everyone loves him”.

Agree with all this
even the teenage son, we have two, they have great toke models, including male teachers and sorting coaches - their friends are lovely as well

it’s another job though counteracting the poison online mind

GCAcademic · 17/08/2025 08:21

Can you point us to a thread where the OP is “jumping ship” without communicating or having a conversation with her partner about what needs to change? Because I don’t think I have once seen that on here and this all sounds like a bit of a straw man to me.

Ruggerlass · 17/08/2025 08:21

Thenose · 17/08/2025 08:07

You're not really talking about commitment. You're patting yourself on the back by putting other women down. The subtext of your posts is: "I managed to keep my marriage, so anyone who didn't must just be oversensitive or unwilling to try". That isn't fair, and it isn't true.

People aren't throwing away their marriages because they're "too sensitive" or can't be bothered to talk. They're leaving because they've already tried talking, often for years, and been shown it makes no difference. When they realise that every attempt to explain how they feel ends in dismissal, minimising or arguments, they eventually stop wasting their breath. Their silence isn't laziness. It's how they protect themselves after their partner has taught them that their words don't count or will be used against them.

You keep saying you "talked things through" and "worked it out". But the only reason that worked is because your husband did finally listen and change when faced with an ultimatum. That's not some magical skill in compromise on your part. It's simply that your partner was willing to respect you enough to act. That is exactly what is missing in so many of the stories women post here.

The truth is, if he hadn't changed jobs after you pushed the point, your marriage would have been one of those you now sneer at. You'd have been just another woman saying, "I can't do this anymore". You weren't different. You were lucky.

So no, people aren't abandoning decent marriages over nothing. They're walking away from men who refuse to pull their weight, refuse to take them seriously, and refuse to change even when they know the harm they cause. That isn't over-sensitivity; it's just common sense.

I’m not sneering at anyone. Yes we compromised and you’re right my marriage probably wouldn’t have survived. I certainly don’t see compromising as a magical skill. My remark about over sensitivity refers to those who say they’ll leave for what seems like trivial reasons such as he swore at me. I accept in some cases you don’t really know what’s gone on before and that could be the final straw, however on the face of it couples these days just don’t seem to want to compromise. Just my opinion.

OP posts:
Verydemure · 17/08/2025 08:25

I think not enough people get divorced.

i have no divorced friends where I think maybe they should have tried harder. Actually maybe one ( I know the ExH where it sounds like the wife had depression, so she ended the marriage…I don’t know her side of the store though)

I know quite a few couples who are miserable together but are together for financial reasons- I think house prices have made it difficult to separate…

plenty others where relationship is pretty mediocre to the point they’d probably just split up if they weren’t married/ living together

NewBlueNoteBook · 17/08/2025 08:28

Ruggerlass · 17/08/2025 08:21

I’m not sneering at anyone. Yes we compromised and you’re right my marriage probably wouldn’t have survived. I certainly don’t see compromising as a magical skill. My remark about over sensitivity refers to those who say they’ll leave for what seems like trivial reasons such as he swore at me. I accept in some cases you don’t really know what’s gone on before and that could be the final straw, however on the face of it couples these days just don’t seem to want to compromise. Just my opinion.

Your opinion is asinine.

You are still entitled to hold it of course.

Needlenardlenoo · 17/08/2025 08:40

What you may be seeing is that women now can leave and earn their own living, get a mortgage in their own name, get universal credit etc. So they have more options than they would have had in previous generations.

I mean I'm in my 50s and it's only in my lifetime that women have been able to get a mortgage without a male guarantor.

Men on the whole have NOT raised their game. If you're already working, raising the kids and looking after the house and he doesn't even accept a joint bills account... what is the point of him exactly?

Mauro711 · 17/08/2025 08:41

FunnyThing2 · 16/08/2025 20:58

I think that MN is a place that women feel safe to come to for advice when their relationship is struggling. I think it's very good that there is a safe place for that.

I think there are probably huge numbers of women in happy healthy relationships, but they just don't come here because they don't need it.

I do worry about boys though because there is so much talk about men being bad or abusive. It's hard for boys to find a good postiive role model.

I think the world forgets that there are good men, and we forget to celebrate that. I think it should be celebrated.

I agree with you re the need for a safe space for women to come for advice. It us clear in many of the posts on the relationship board that it’s easy to lose sight of what a healthy relationship is.

I don’t agree that we have to celebrate the nen who aren’t awful though. Men being kind and respectful should just be the default, not something they should get praise for. Women don’t get celebrated for being decent human beings either.

chatgptsbestmate · 17/08/2025 08:42

NewBlueNoteBook · 17/08/2025 08:28

Your opinion is asinine.

You are still entitled to hold it of course.

Perfect answer ! 👌 😁

cloudtreecarpet · 17/08/2025 08:45

Ruggerlass · 16/08/2025 20:48

I’ve got my hard hat ready. I’ve been on here a few months now and some of the things I read make me think it’s no surprise the divorce rate is so high. It seems like people in relationships don’t want to compromise and talk through any difficulties they may have and men are the public enemy number 1. Don’t get me wrong no one should stay in an abusive relationship etc of any kind. For the record I’ve been married 38 years, We’ve had our ups and downs but have worked through them which seems to be lacking these days.,

Is the divorce rate "so high"? I thought it had actually come down in recent years but I could be wrong.

I wouldn't base any generalised opinions about life based on what you read on here. These boards give a skewed version of what's really going on in the general population.

But that aside, I think that women of your generation (which I think is also mine) were, and are, more prepared to put up with situations that younger women just aren't rather than it being that you have the magic formula for a long marriage.

Katherina198819 · 17/08/2025 08:48

I agree. To me, it really comes down to partners not communicating.

I can’t see myself posting on Mumsnet about something that could easily be fixed by just being open and honest with each other.

The funny thing is, I notice this all the time in real life too: couples who barely talk, end up living like roommates rather than partners. They tell themselves it’s “space” or “independence,” but really it’s just avoiding the hard work of staying connected.

MrsWojadubakowski · 17/08/2025 08:52

My neighbours are in their 80’s and have been married for over 60 years. They have screaming arguments multiple times a week and I’ve never seen them look even remotely happy together. To some 60 years married would be a sign of relationship success, however to me it looks absolutely miserable.

I take my marriage seriously and have no intention of walking away if/when things get difficult, but I don’t view longevity as the mark of success in a relationship.

Needlenardlenoo · 17/08/2025 08:52

According to the ONS, the divorce rate in 2022 was the lowest since 1971.

Marriage rates have fallen too though?

I believe that divorce has spiked up in women over 50 though (women initiating) so it could seem higher if that's your peer group.

Needlenardlenoo · 17/08/2025 08:55

Bit older than I thought - 60s. As people consider retiring with this person, presumably.

Am I out of touch, old fashioned or are people these days just super sensitive
Shittyhouse · 17/08/2025 09:00

Why don’t we go back to the time when a woman had to marry her abuser or rapist to save the family’s face? (Sarcasm)

InSpainTheRain · 17/08/2025 09:04

I think it's easy to think people should compromise more and be more tolerant when you're in a good relationship. I've been with DH 30 years, he's loving, we support each other's careers, we see eye to eye on most things including politics, religion and how we management money, he's very calm, never drunk, never done drugs.... of course it's easy for me to compromise and over look his snoring and penchant for buying expensive camera equipment when you balance it with all the good points.

But it's not like this for everyone - I think women need to stick up for themselves more because there are some absolute arseholes out there. Some of the things I read on these pages are shocking. I think you're really unreasonable.

Ruggerlass · 17/08/2025 09:12

Petitchat · 17/08/2025 08:09

But you're thinking about marriage in the old fashioned way.

You talk about dads "helping out"
That makes them sound like a friendly neighbour.
Dads ARE NOT "helping", they're caring for their own children.

Some women say their DH is "babysitting:" No he's not. He's just looking after his own children.

There's a massive difference.
Is a mum EVER classed as "babysitting" her own children or "helping out"?
No....

I could have phrased it differently. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Of course Dad’s don’t babysit their own children or just help out and both parents have to parent so to speak but perhaps I’m old fashioned in that whoever is the STAP does the bulk of the childcare.

OP posts:
Verydemure · 17/08/2025 09:13

Needlenardlenoo · 17/08/2025 08:52

According to the ONS, the divorce rate in 2022 was the lowest since 1971.

Marriage rates have fallen too though?

I believe that divorce has spiked up in women over 50 though (women initiating) so it could seem higher if that's your peer group.

my theory is property prices. Everyone I know in a miserable marriage is still there because they ‘can’t afford’ to split.

This is London though. People who’d have a huge amount of money if they sold up, but they’d struggle to buy two family homes.

some are because they bought years ago. Good wages, but not the £££s you’d need to mortgage a family home in London nowadays.

others are like Amanda in Motherland- massive house in posh area, but after split would be looking at NoHa.

Cat3059 · 17/08/2025 09:13

So your husband did all the things that you don't think other women should be complaining about? What a bizarre thread.