Am I out of touch, old fashioned or are people these days just super sensitive

[Ruggerlass]

I’ve got my hard hat ready. I’ve been on here a few months now and some of the things I read make me think it’s no surprise the divorce rate is so high. It seems like people in relationships don’t want to compromise and talk through any difficulties they may have and men are the public enemy number 1. Don’t get me wrong no one should stay in an abusive relationship etc of any kind. For the record I’ve been married 38 years, We’ve had our ups and downs but have worked through them which seems to be lacking these days.,

Many women here, especially on Relationships, have extensive experience and in-depth knowledge that enables them to pick up on harmful dynamics within apparently trivial posts. This is why you'll see them 'jumping to conclusions' or asking further questions to tease out the truth behind the original post.

It's reasonably (not universally) true that, when a woman's decided to seek support on Mumsnet for a relationship issue, she recognises there's a serious problem. She may not have admitted it to herself until she is asked.

It can be a bit confronting to realise how many women are living in awful relationships. It may be uncomfortable, but it's still true.

If you bother to look, there's also a fair number of threads where the OP is gently advised that she's making a mountain out of a molehill or is probably at fault herself.

You’ve hit the nail on the head.

Well, I agree with you on the first two.

Hobbies etc depends on how much time they take up and how young the kids are, and if the wife also gets equal time to herself.

Otherwise, I think by the time most women post here things are already bad and they have a H who does not respond to a reasonable conversation. The issue the woman posts about is usually the tip of the iceberg.

How do you know they have not already communicated with their H?

This may come as a surprise to you, but you can’t communicate with someone who does not want to listen to what you say.

I think it’s more likely that most posters have got nowhere by trying to talk and are here because of that. Most posters actually say they have tried talking.

It takes two to tango, though, with the communication.

Nah, rose-coloured perspective. I was married to someone who perceived attempts to talk about things as verbal assault. He'd only engage civilly if I agreed he was always right about everything and I was usually wrong - and that was when he felt inclined to talk at all, which he often didn't.

It's staggering that people claim to have read many relationship threads on Mumsnet, yet still think people haven't tried talking.

I agree. It’s heartbreaking to read women enduring terrible behaviour, and seeking validation that it’s abnormal.

A relationship can only work when both parties are making the effort. It doesn’t matter if a woman is giving 110%, if the man has checked out or if he’s abusive then the marriage is over.

So many women married a ‘lovely’ man, but don’t see his true colours until children are born. We assume that person shares our values, but we read so often on here of men who won’t pull their weight - think that they shouldn’t support their partner financially during mat leave, or think that it’s easy to care for a baby all day and keep the house spotless, or think that they shouldn’t sacrifice their hobbies, holidays and free time/money once a baby is born.

We really need to start ironing out those beliefs before babies come along.

I’ve noticed 2 distinct sides to this:

1. women who put up with abuse because they’ve been conditioned to think it’s normal or because they don’t want to be on their own

2. women who post about slight misdemeanours from their DHs/DPs (which could be resolved with a bit of communication/compromise) and a braying mob screams LTB whereas IRL they wouldn’t leave their own DH/DP over such a minor thing, they would try to resolve it.

Therefore YA mainly NBU

I've also been married 30+ years. We've had our ups and downs for sure and got through them. It does require compromise and empathy. It's not all about me and it's not all about him either.
Perhaps some people do give up too easily. But if my DH had behaved like some of the men you hear about on here did, then I'd have left him. There is no working through some of that stuff.

Honestly, there are so many women on here in obviously abusive relationships who agonise about whether they should leave, particularly as a lot of abusive men use the family courts as weapons to punish their ex-partner for having the sheer temerity to end the marriage.

Divorcing and sharing custody of the children is traumatic and most women are much poorer after divorce. It's normally men who hide assets, or go self-employed and pay themselves a pittance to avoid paying child maintenance.

Why would any woman would put themselves through that if their relationship was generally OK?

I had exactly the same experience.

my ex tried to say I was abusive, had impossible high standards and he couldn’t do anything right. My complaints about him not doing housework were classed as ‘abuse’

he never apologised once in the entirety of our marriage. This might seem a small thing- after all, why complain about someone not apologising for being an hour late, and not answering calls?
but over time, those tiny actions are toxic. It also reveals a pretty nasty mindset.

I think people saying ‘try harder’ or ‘you just need to communicate’ are at best, naive and at worst incredibly damaging.

i would have left my abusive marriage earlier had I been on mumsnet. People who have experienced similar can tell you that you aren’t being mad.

This. Oh, so much this.

TBH I think expectations are very different now.Many women work FT in "good" jobs . They want to be treated as an equal partner .Sadly some men dont seem to have got the memo! Women who are SAHM are in a vulnerable position .Maybe marriage is no longer the long term goal it once was .Weddings are seen as an Instagram opportunity ,the day to day grind doesnt always match up. Its good you have a happy marriage OP .Many dont and need to get out

Yay another thread putting women down from someone who has no idea what those who seek divorce are going through.

I'm glad my marriage breakdown has given the OP something to be smug about. I tried, he was an abusive arsehole, not that anyone irl knows as I've only ever told a couple of people. Most people think we should have tried harder!

I hope that those who seek advice and support aren't put off from seeking it.

And “not being abusive” is kind of a low bar, don’t you think

Obviously the SAHP will do the bulk of parenting, especially if they are at home with babies and pre-school children. Are you saying that husbands of SAHMs should be excused from any childcare or domestic duties during the evenings, at weekends and during their annual leave? That the father should never get up in the night to a crying child?

There have been a couple of recent threads on here from mums who have just had a baby and whose partners are on paternity leave who are treating it as annual leave and one was going on holiday with friends and the other was refusing to help at all. Is that reasonable?

You were a SAHM and had the luxury of being able to focus on you children and running your home, you gave your DH an ultimatum despite being a SAHM which worked for you. Many of us work FT, have to juggle the children and running a house with a husband that does not think it is also 50% his role to do this and does not listen no matter what. I think you are coming from a place that is one sided TBH.

You see, I don’t consider you fortunate and having one of the good ones. You had to give him an ultimatum. A decent man would have seen the imbalance of work and wanted to support his wife without being given an ultimatum.

A minority of posters on here in danger of coming across as ‘smug marrieds’. None of us knows what goes on in other people’s relationships. Nobody knows what it’s like in a relationship other than the couple themselves. Judging others that they are not communicating or compromising is just irritating. Especially when done from the lofty heights of a long marriage.

I have been with my husband for 30y. That doesn’t give me the right to shake my head at a couple divorcing aged 26; their reasons are valid for them, and there will be stuff going on for them that they may never tell others.

A few lines on Mumsnet does not reflect the reality of a relationship.

Thank you. Someone who gets what I was alluding too

I think this is true. Real life is nuanced unless it’s obvious abuse.

You really don't know what's going on outside a relationship.

MIL suggested we go to couples' counselling.

We had, on three or four separate occasions. This was amazing to her. But she finds DH pretty difficult at times (most likely autistic, can be very rigid, not a problem solver) so I don't know why she thinks it'd be easy to be married to him.

You are absolutely right, some things are a obvious no no (physical abuse, sustained mental cruelty, cheating) but a lot of things people are "LTBing" about are trivial and could and should simply be worked through by mutual compromise and agreement.

My parents and grandparents all had long, happy marriages, but these were not without peaks and troughs, but you didn't just give up, you pushed on through, together.

This is the point I was making.

I think a couple nowadays in a healthy, good relationship - as the OP is saying hers is and was - wouldn't get to this ultimatum stage because things would be more equal & the husband would be doing his fair share already.
We had different expectations back in the day I think.

I see the opposite on here.

Women who portray their husband as being cruel, downright nasty and deeply disloyal but the usual ‘He’s a great dad’ etc and I think they must be masochists for staying in that relationship!