Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

I’ve never experienced a gift registry for baby gifts 😮
I’d be a bit shocked to be sent a list too OP!

Ofcourse it's not rude. Especially if you phrase it as "a contribution to our honeymoon".
I think some people didn't understand what I was trying to say. Personally I don't find it rude at all to ask for monetary gifts for either a marriage or a birth or whatever when asked what you would like. It's different when you send out several mails to remind people that you want money and the different ways they can give it to you. It just feels so tacky and greedy that I personally feel that I don't want to give anything whereas I would be happy to give money before all the reminders.

When I got married, 42 yrs ago.We just gave our close relatives a list.A coffee maker a cheap one, around 20.00.A cooker extractor.A slow cooker, around 20.00.2 rugs for our lounge. 2 electric Radiators.We did have a very cheap wedding, Register office, followed by food & entertainment at our flat! We moved to our flat with barely anything so we appreciated the gifts.Now it's getting expensive? We normally give relatives between 250 to150 towards the honeymoon! With our grandchildren we just give them money for birthdays 50.00 each & 75.00 each at Christmas! We decided that, although the amounts are modest.we are retired.we felt it needs to be affordable for the long term!

Late 30s here, and married 6 years ago. We said in invites that presents not necessary (and meant it), but also gave a gift list. The list ranged from a £3 soup spoon to a £150 gift that my FiL got us. Most of the list was at the lower end (I think the list stats themselves said that our average gift was £22).
On the day, we got a few people give us nothing; a few people give us a card; most people ordering items of the gift list (the items we use the most are a pair of heart shaped dipping bowls that were around £15 each. My BiL and his partner gifted us those, and I think about them every time we use them!); some people gave a card with money in; a smaller amount of people completely ignored the gift list, and got us something else (to be honest, these are the items we use the least/have ended up in a box somewhere).

Two days after the wedding, we sent a very short thank you email to everyone and stated that a more formal thank you would come out later.

A couple of months later, after we got our photographer photos, we ordered thank you cards, and wrote a personalised thank you to every single person (or rather family group) that attended. (This also happened to be at the end of Nivember/start of December, so we sent Christmas cards in the same envelopes.)

Sadly, I have been to 3 weddings this year, and not a single thank you for attending/any of the money we gifted, (every single couple asked for money). Makes me wonder what has changed/become the norm in just 6 years? Simce when do we not thank people for their time/gifts? Although, I do excuse the couple that only got married a week ago - they are still on their honeymoon at the moment.

I'd oblige, but can't now find it either, sodastreamin

I looked on "threads I started" but it only brings up more recent ones - perhaps that's usual now?

Typo

Very strange family and friends you have and yes cf. Not heard of it before.

I got married 15 years ago and we sent a thank you card to everyone who came to our wedding no matter what. We wanted to thank them for making the time and effort to be with us even if they didn't bring a present.
But I don't think people bother saying thank you for much any more. Some of our friends never send a text to thank us for presents we get their kids and it does annoy me.

It does not sound grabby or awful! I always send a gift receipt so that people can change if they want to.
And I'm not against asking for specific gifts either if you are asked. What I don't appreciate is family/friends sending an email announcing that "Baby X is born blabla and here is the gift list".

Haha. Family on my DH's side:). But having read all posters I don't seem to be the only one having problems with CFs in my entourage.. But I am sincerely happy you haven't come across it!

In much of the world, money is the norm. People don’t want stuff

clutter stuff that you just don’t want or need. That’s more about you the giver than the receiver.

it makes way more sense for the couple to get stuff they actually want surely.

gifts are supposed to be what would make the recipient happy. Not something for you , the giver to be happy about

I've been to a wedding where they had a postbox. They just said to put in as little or as much as you want in if you wanted in a plain envelope. They didn't want to know who gave what. They didn't need anything as had been together years had 3 children a lovely house etc. They donated the money to a local charity that means a lot to them.

Well I'm Irish @arcticpandas and there's no way me, or anyone that I know would think £300 was stingy, quite the opposite. I'd consider gifts of £50-£100 to be standard. No way would I send anyone a £300 gift/money either!

We gave 300£ as a family of four. I have read loads of threads on here where they talk about Irish weddings being extravagant and how 500£ being very common to give. I do not know that for a fact ofcourse so thank you for pointing out that that's not necessarily true:)

At Irish weddings the standard is €200 - €250 per couple (equivalent to £172 -£216). Close family do often give more, but £500 wouldn’t be a very common wedding gift in Ireland, no.

I'm afraid it does appear to be becoming normal, this sort of no mincing words behaviour about gifts, and in circumstances where you do want to give generously but haven't a clue what the recipient would like it can even have practical advantages.

Having said that, whatever your age I stoutly defend your right to think "you'll be lucky" and just please yourself.

It's extremely rude and if you're going to produce a list than put some cheaper options on it because not everyone can afford what you might ideally want. And whatever present you get, the sender deserves a personal acknowledgement. After all, they don't have to buy you anything and it's the least you can do for another person making the effort.

Tbh I think you are being a bit unreasonable. The fact is that things that used to be given as wedding gifts which were supposed to set you up are now cheap as chips, from electronics to home wear. These used to be expensive and now really they are not.

I understand couples asking for money. Or vouchers. Reality means that setting yourself up these days is a matter of cold hard cash.

I think the issue you is you’ve been so hugely generous, they are now expecting huge gifts!
either I’m really tight/poor but to me £300/£200 is an insane amount to give as a wedding gift!
I would give 50 max to family and about 20 for others!
ans to not personally thank people is very entitled!

There is an unspoken rule that you should at least give enough to cover your plate at the wedding.

I went to a wedding couple of months ago for a relative and gave £100 as a present.

Not heard a thing since. It would be nice to know whether they got something nice with it or put it towards something that cost a lot more.

Text, email, Whatsapp, it's all doable to send an instant thank you and I do think it's very rude not to at least acknowledge the gift you were given.😒

Never heard of anyone doing lists before for baby gifts from certain shops, I wouldn’t dream of it! Very bratty in my opinion!

Glad I’m not the only one that thinks 200 quid is a huge amount!
Have we stumbled on to the millionaires version of MN??
I had a very small wedding (50 or so people) 23 years ago and the money and vouchers we got probably didn’t total £200 in total!!
We didn’t expect anything and didn’t ask for anything, seriously some people are serious scroungers!

I'm in my late 30s and I can assure you we aren't all the same. I never had baby showers for my two young boys - I find them beggy. Our parents gifted us big things for the boys, and others got us presents off their own back and we appreciated it all. I'm engaged but when/of we tie the knot, it will be a very small affair and if folk want to gift something we will be grateful for whatever.

Honestjy! CF!!!
I would ignore the requests/lists and buy something I wanted to buy. I can’t believe you gave so much money for wedding presents!

Here we go.
No there is not.
If my friends Joe and May got married in the local social club they'd get an equal value present to Bob and Sue who got married in the swanky wedding venue