Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

You are totally not being unreasonable, @arcticpandas. I had (past tense!) a friend who, on her 3rd marriage, sent her invites with a cutesy “give us cash” poem. Then she had it posted on her wedding website. Then she actually had it on her ORDER OF SERVICE, literally as people sat down to watch her get married (again), she was asking for money in case people forgot to buy her something.

Being mean, I got her passport covers instead 😂

absolutely disgusting behaviour

cheeky fuckers

When I got married I wrote a personalised card to everyone that came regardless of whether they gave a gift (we had said presents weren't necessary). These were all people that we love and wanted to be there, and many of them travelled long distances to get there. I didn't want anyone to worry whether we had actually received the gift and wanted to let them know what we had done with it.

The value of the gift was neither here or there. So messages were along the lines of "Dear Janet & John, thank you for your gift, we bought the most amazing ice-creams in Venice with it (pic attached). Looking forward to catching up soon" or "Dear Sue & Phil, we were so pleased you were able to be with us on the big day. Hope the journey home wasn't too horrendous. Your card really made us laugh" etc. Not long but personal.

If you cba to write/text a personal thank you to friends and family, just charge for admission and no one will expect any acknowledgement.

When I got married I wrote a personalised card to everyone that came regardless of whether they gave a gift (we had said presents weren't necessary). These were all people that we love and wanted to be there, and many of them travelled long distances to get there. I didn't want anyone to worry whether we had actually received the gift and wanted to let them know what we had done with it.

The value of the gift was neither here or there. So messages were along the lines of "Dear Janet & John, thank you for your gift, we bought the most amazing ice-creams in Venice with it (pic attached). Looking forward to catching up soon" or "Dear Sue & Phil, we were so pleased you were able to be with us on the big day. Hope the journey home wasn't too horrendous. Your card really made us laugh" etc. Not long but personal.

If you cba to write/text a personal thank you to friends and family, just charge for admission and no one will expect any acknowledgement.

Sorry posted twice for some reason

I’m 36 and have a fair few friends my age who have got married and had children. And not ONE of them has done this. To me this is not normal practice. Or maybe I just know nice, un-entitled people? 🤷🏻‍♀️
None if my friends have had wedding or baby lists and are hugely grateful for anything they receive. We’ve always had thank you cards for wedding gifts and mostly thank you cards/notes for baby gifts. Any that haven’t for baby gifts have at least sent a text.

Monetary gifts like this are also opening the door to judging ‘oh look how cheap they are. They only gave us £10 for the baby/£100 for the wedding’ type of comments

Or in the words of a groom of my acquaintance, "If we ask for money they'll have to give us more than a cheap gift would have cost"
Ugly perhaps, but I doubt he's alone in such thoughts

Good to see the poll though - perhaps there are more people with manners around than was imagined?

Edited to add wait until the child's birthdays and Christmases come around, OP - they'll probably request cash for those too

Hmmm

I think YANBU overall as it is very grabby/ entitled to request only such expansive things.

Whilst a gift is very much the traditional when you are invited to a wedding, and gift lists have been a norm for a long time, a gift of a new baby is by no means a given , and is very much a voluntary thing. Gift registries for that are not a norm in the UK.

I think people should not be sending round these emails that expect to be given a gift, and definitely not banging on about only wanting money (unless asked “what would you like/ what would be helpful).

At the same time, I think people need to think about the gifts they give. There are a lot of “gifts” out there that are fun to buy but really mkt something that anyone wants to receive. Trinkets, “new baby” or “happiest
day of our lives” type photo frames, those wooden statues that they sell for every occasion, all the kind of tat that people like to go out and buy. People need to think before they buy.

By all means choose a present but choose something a couple will want. Basic baby clothes are always very welcome I think - bought for the next size up and season as they probably have enough in the current size.

Money is quite a good gift for everyone tbh - you don’t have to go to the bother of choosing and the recipient can get what they want. It’s grabby to ask for it, but it’s not a bad idea. Just don’t give more than you can afford.

I think this is the crux of it. People feel they have to give more if they give money.

I think we should normalise giving smaller amounts of money that all add up!

I'm RC & give First Holy Communion & Confirmation gifts to relatives & friends - I have lots of relatives &, as someone who helps to prepare children for their 1st HC, I always a gift of chickens, goat, books or similar on behalf of the child through Cafiod to families & children in developing countries. If a child of a close relative I will also give them a rosary, bible or similar.

I find gift lists ridiculous. For my wedding, I just said on my invites that you don't need to bring a gift, but if you do, we'd prefer money. People do this so their house doesn't end up full of crap, which imo is understandable. Honestly though my favourite gift ended up being two knitting rats in wedding clothes (we have pet rats lol). I think the issue with money is that people feel compelled to give more, but I really wouldn't have cared if people just slipped a fiver into a card!

I had a baby shower (well it was more just a gathering of 10 people in my parents garden) with sandwiches, cake, and balloons tbh, and I told people not to worry about gifts or etc, and that I just wanted to celebrate my baby. People did still ask what I wanted, and I just told them practical things like nappies, muslins, or some bath soak for me (basically things everyone can afford). I think sending a wishlist with expensive baby items about is cheeky AF. The best baby gift I got was a £20 Uber eats voucher, which we used when we came home from hospital 😂 My other favourite gifts were hand knitted blankets, and this thing my friend got me in a frame where everyone at the baby shower put them thumb print on in a different colour of ink as a keepsake.

When someone I know has a baby, I try and crochet a baby blanket if I have the time. Otherwise, I give clothes they can grow into (everyone buys you newborn stuff) or like a hamper of things that are cheap but useful like nappies, wipes, baby shampoo, etc, often with chocolate for mum! For someone close I'd probably try and get something personalised for the baby, or I'd buy a meal voucher for me and the mum to go and enjoy when she's ready :)

Ah, but some like to pretend they're "only asking to be helpful", Gertrude, and save people shopping for something which isn't needed because the home's already set up - as if folk won't work that out for themselves and give money/vouchers anyway

Good luck trying to restrict the amounts though. I was the "cancel the cheque" poster, and though that particular gift was on the higher side, anything that falls short of what the entitled expect rarely ends well

So interesting. I think this must be the circle you're moving in. I've never encountered that at all. Despite weddings popping up and babies popping out all over the place.

Oh, and we got married 5 years ago and I handwrote thank you letters to every guest. Granted, it was covid, so perhaps considerable fewer guests, but still, it took a while. People seemed really touched by it...

People should thank you. It feels grabby to send bank details but there is a risk in sending cash through the post and cheques are all but extinct as a means of getting cash to someone. A bank transfer via online banking is now the norm. I don’t see any issues with that, iI am 55 for reference.

Your desire to make other people happy is certainly coming across in your posts.

YANBU. We didn’t ask for anything when we got married as we’d been together nearly 20 years. Then everyone kept asking us or our parents what we wanted. 😳 We said we didn’t expect anything but if they really wanted to give us something then we were having a few nights away without the kids and would put it towards that. Some people still gave presents of their choosing and that was fine too and we sent thank you cards. We never asked for anything when we had children either but people were very generous. I did end up with quite a lot of 3-6 months clothing so I was very happy if there was a gift receipt enclosed so I could change the outfit or size of it. This just sounds awful and grabby. My favourite baby gifts were the hand knitted ones that had had time lovingly spent on them.

Definitely not being unreasonable.

I remember hand writing letters to relatives after my wedding and as a child would also write or telephone to thank family and friends for birthday and Christmas gifts. Also used to get my DCs to do this.

DH and I have now stopped sending birthday and Christmas gifts to the DCs in our extended family (some are now in their 30s) as we just never get a thank you. Not even a social media thank you. I think it might be a generational thing? Or just a sign of the times perhaps. Sad really.

I’d be pretty disgusted too, OP.

Though having said that, I don’t object to anyone politely suggesting that cash would be welcome. I was pleasantly surprised, after the last wedding we attended (a cousin’s dc who TBH we hardly knew) to receive a handwritten card just a few weeks later, to say thank you for the £100 we’d put in a card.

They had requested no physical presents (very small flat and already had everything they needed) ‘but if anyone would like….’ etc.
I didn’t mind that wording at all. Seemed very sensible, and it’s a lot easier to just stick cash in a card than buy and wrap something.

Oh god I remember that thread! 😂

There definitely needs to be a social stigma about being grabby re gifts

I was with you until that last sentence. Wow what an appalling attitude

Well, it would have taken them 2 minutes. I spent far more time with my thank you cards sent by post. I don't expect that because time has changed but to not be able to write a personal message is really lazy.
300£ is ridiculous? How so? Too much/ too little for you? Anyway we were 4 (DH, me and 2 children) and this is what we normally spend on family weddings. We are not Irish.

Pleeeeeeeeease can you link that thread? I don’t think I ever found it

Oh yes, I’ve heard about this!!!

We went as a family of four and definitely not trying to show off (too old and tired for that😅). It's just about fairness (what we given to others) and what we can afford to give.
In Ireland we would have been considered stingy.

Considering the amount of time people waste doing pointless stuff like scrolling through Mumsnet, I don't think a few minutes to write a personal email is that much of an ask!!