Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

I agree, one of the presents I remember most from my daughters birth was a beautifully hand knitted baby cardigan given to me by a woman at work who I honestly l had had very little to do with and who I thought didn’t like me much. I was so touched by her kindness and the effort she had put into the gift.

I am afraid I don’t knit so my new born baby gifts for friends tend to be a pack of cute size two or three baby vests , given with love, but they don’t have much emotional depth I am afraid!

I agree, a friends sister invited a few of us to the reveal, the baby shower and then seeing the baby. I went to the shower and to see the baby, and I said to my husband, it’s three occasions for one occasion ! I took the present to the shower, the card when I saw the baby. It’s gone mad.

OP I am with you. Fortunately my own kids are not entitled and never ask for anything. When DD1 married I was still a single parent to two teenagers, I scrimpt to afford the hotel room and outfits for us, I could not afford a decent present but I always do what I can do and am fully supportive.
Other family members are all like me, we just want family there for celebrations full stop.

Wanting money towards the honeymoon seems a little cheeky. I recall saving up for mine.

How we chuckled when my cousin (who we barely knew and to whose wedding we were not invited) sent round her wedding gift list, including a black leather suite.

I think requesting a minimum of £65 for a gift is taking the absolute piss. I fear I’d be sending a multipack of babygrows, you can never have enough.

You are not wrong re thank you cards. I put money in a box at their wedding, that me and DH had travelled a long way for and had to book 3 nights in a (lovely) hotel. I have no idea if they actually received that money as there was no thank you card. His sibling got married and again we travelled, we were thanked in the speeches for travelling such a long way which was very unexpected and lovely, but still no thank you for the money. It has put me off sending them a gift when they had a baby.

I’m late twenties and I think this is disgraceful!

I find it CFery enough to ask for money as a wedding gift but creating a registry for a baby shower is completely taking the piss.

I was extremely grateful for the gifts I received off family and friends when I had my dc. I wouldn’t have dreamed of demanding what I wanted them to buy.

It makes you wonder if they're ready to be parents if they can’t purchase the necessities for their newborn.

It’s funny you should say that, because I can always remember an awful “thank you card” for a evening reception do we went to, they mis-spelt our names, so they scribbled over that bit, thanked us for the wrong present too!

I think people get married at later than previous generation so they tend to be more stable and settled. If I got married you, I would have really appreciated the gifts. The same with children. I genuinely did really want or need anything. I knew that I didn't want baby clothes but have happy to receive vouchers, toys, books, nappies, toiletries etc.

I wouldn't bother. Just send a card and give them something to moan about.

I get what you’re saying. For our wedding 2 years ago, we put no presents on the invitations. If people asked what we’d like, we said a John Lewis voucher of any amount would be great. When I got to a wedding its just £50 in an envelope, I don’t buy off a register.

For our babies, MIL said to pick the feeding chair I wanted and she’d give us the money, I did pick the cheapest one I could find but love it. I really liked getting gifts from friends who’d had kids already, it was all really thoughtful stuff, like a multipack of muslins or nappies.

But we never expected anything from anyone, everyone who attended our wedding got a handwritten thank you note, personalised based on who they were to us or what they gave us, considering so many people made the effort to travel we didn’t really want them to give cash or gifts. Each to their own, but yes what you describe is ultimate cheeky fuckery!

I have always given one gift. No need for multiple gifts

Yes, it is absolutely fine, if you have not stipulated what you want, and relatives reach out to you to ask, it’s absolutely fine to then say could you give us cash. It’s many moons since I got married, but we did the same. We found most people bought us useful vouchers!

We were sent the link to an Amazon gift list when we were invited to a baby shower. The cheapest item was £5, next cheapest £65. We gave them a £25 voucher. They texted a personal thank you and we then sent another small gift when the baby was born. Sent a present to friend’s daughter when her 1st baby was born, no thank you. 2nd baby, we didn’t bother.

I'd much rather buy someone something they actually want so I'm all for gift registries or even just money if that's what they want.

It doesn't mean you have to buy from it though, just ignore it and buy what you want if you don't like registries.

I agree. I'm American and it seems that the UK has adopted this American custom with some of the etiquette not making the trip across the pond.

You should not be expected to give two gifts. And another one: the expectant mother should not host her own shower, nor should her mother or sisters. And perhaps most important of all, guests should not have to pay to attend a shower; the refreshments are provided by the hostesses, who usually are close friends or relatives (aunts, cousins) of the mom.

She didn't think it good enough because it took near zero effort.

Expecting a personalised thank you still does not come under the description of being "fawned over".

It is just basic good manners.

You sound delightful! And exactly the type of person OP has made this post about.
Since when is a personalised thank you too big an ask?!

My daughter got some absolute RUBBISH given to her for her wedding from people who didn’t want to use the gift registry.
It went straight onto eBay and she got a fraction of what the person had paid for it. What a waste of money. What a shame.

I’d MUCH rather buy couples what they want.

However, ALL gifters need to be thanked with a proper, old-fashioned, hand-written and personalised thank you note/ card.

Very well said
its most infuriating that this generation appear to wholeheartedly believe that they are actually owed gifts and presents etc from the world.
a most appalling attitude
I’ve made sure my daughters don’t have the morals and attitude of a lot of the youngsters of today

I only give what I can afford and would never dream of telling other people what to buy. I think it's a good idea to say what not to buy, so stuff doesn't go to waste but to name a specific shop where everything is expensive is definitely cheeky fuckery.

Expecting people to give up their time to very specifically thank you when they've sent a thank you around seems pretty demanding

Yes, it’s horrible.

I am generally happy to give money, as I hate the thought of buying gifts that are not used/wanted/appreociated. I hate waste and over consumerism so would rather they had the money to use for what they need.

However I really dislike being asked for it.

I think it’s tacky and grabby.

Since people are aware how valuable their time is

Although I voted YANBU. I believe a lot if it is:
Weddings - they have already been living together and have enough towels and bedding
Children - they just don't want plastic tat or another cuddly teddy
But agree they should have £10-20 options too.

You're not wrong and you can ignore all greedy requests for cash for both weddings and new babies if you want. I always ignore stuff like that.