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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you take your ex in, if the only other option was being homeless

383 replies

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 15/08/2025 23:31

If you have an ex that left you but they then fell on hard times and literally the only option was to sleep at yours or they sleep in their car (realistically this would be reasonably long term)

Would you let them sleep at yours until they are back on their feet

(The council were contacted and no realistic opinions were provided)

The ex was really nasty during the divorce, saying lies all over social media, argued with all of your family and has also been quite nasty since the divorce

Though if nothing is expected of them (such as helping to tidy up), will be quite and enjoys spending time with the kids

OP posts:
Velmy · 15/08/2025 23:58

He's got a car to sleep in, which is more than most homeless people.

Icecreamhelps · 15/08/2025 23:59

No, I still have nightmares he's moved back in why would I make it a reality.

Blibbleflibble · 16/08/2025 00:06

OP in your original post did you say" if nothing is expected of them (such as helping to tidy up), will be quite and enjoys spending time with the kids"

You mean if you let her stay you are not allowed to ask her to tidy or help around the house, and in doing so she won't be abusive (quiet) and she enjoys spending time with the kids?

Is she the mother of your kids?

If she is abusive, do not let her back into your home! My advice is the same regardless of gender!

Whyx · 16/08/2025 00:09

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 15/08/2025 23:57

Okay

What if I'm male and the ex is female?

(I was in two minds if I should point this out at the start)

Edited

I think if the car sleeper is female there may be an extra safety aspect to consider. Would probably make me more likely to help find an alternative but I still wouldn't take them in.

owlyboo · 16/08/2025 00:10

No

Nicecuppatea2025 · 16/08/2025 00:18

No absolutely not. Not in a million years. No no no.

If you let her stay, that’s it. She’s in.

Where’s your head at on this OP?

Mistyglade · 16/08/2025 00:20

No way pal, which way round is your aibu?

Tablesandchairs23 · 16/08/2025 00:22

GreenFlag · 15/08/2025 23:54

Father of your kids? Yes I would.

Even though he's abusive.

Theresealindseyillbetyou · 16/08/2025 00:23

Do you have custody of the children? If you don't I wouldn't take the risk of children being put in a temporary hostel till ex was adequately housed.

Mistyglade · 16/08/2025 00:23

He’s made his bed etc.

Theresealindseyillbetyou · 16/08/2025 00:24

Mistyglade · 16/08/2025 00:23

He’s made his bed etc.

The ex is a woman that only came into play a little later.

Original poster
Donotpanicoknowpanic · 16/08/2025 00:26

I have full custody of the children, always have

I don't need her in anyway

I'm financially secure - she pays nothing and have plenty of offers of childcare help

I just feel sorry for her as she has made loads of bad decisions since leaving me and it's got so bad she can not even support herself anymore

I hope to be strict and make her turn her life around (ie get a job)

OP posts:
Robin67 · 16/08/2025 00:29

Hell no. This is karma, and it needs to happen. She is simply not your problem

Theresealindseyillbetyou · 16/08/2025 00:29

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 16/08/2025 00:26

I have full custody of the children, always have

I don't need her in anyway

I'm financially secure - she pays nothing and have plenty of offers of childcare help

I just feel sorry for her as she has made loads of bad decisions since leaving me and it's got so bad she can not even support herself anymore

I hope to be strict and make her turn her life around (ie get a job)

That's good then kids have a settled home life,her fuck ups are not yours to solve.
Perhaps steer her in the direction of getting help but taking her in?.
Only you know how that may play out.
Best of luck with it all.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 16/08/2025 00:39

It's highly unlikely that your ex really would need to sleep on the streets. She can stay in a shared house or HMO or even a shelter, and will get housing benefit to pay for that. You do not need a fixed address in order to claim benefits. Presumably your ex doesn't have a major addiction or serious mental health issue, or you wouldn't be considering having her to stay? In which case it's hard to see why she would not be able to find alternative accommodation the same way everyone else does. You could lend / give her money for the first few days until she gets that in place. But don't let her stay at yours!
A rough sleepers support worker told me recently that the main challenge is often getting people to accept the help available, because very vulnerable people often don't trust the authorities. Could this apply to your ex? Or could she just be trying to manipulate you?

FAQs - The Connection at St Martin's

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about The Connection's services with homeless people in London & how to get involved

https://www.connection-at-stmartins.org.uk/faqs/

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/08/2025 00:40

Another no. Not your problem.

TheOnlyThing · 16/08/2025 00:40

No. That would be really weird.

Theunamedcat · 16/08/2025 00:41

They won't usually let a woman sleep on the streets because of the safety aspect she will be fine say no

Original poster
Donotpanicoknowpanic · 16/08/2025 00:42

DivorcedAndDelighted · 16/08/2025 00:39

It's highly unlikely that your ex really would need to sleep on the streets. She can stay in a shared house or HMO or even a shelter, and will get housing benefit to pay for that. You do not need a fixed address in order to claim benefits. Presumably your ex doesn't have a major addiction or serious mental health issue, or you wouldn't be considering having her to stay? In which case it's hard to see why she would not be able to find alternative accommodation the same way everyone else does. You could lend / give her money for the first few days until she gets that in place. But don't let her stay at yours!
A rough sleepers support worker told me recently that the main challenge is often getting people to accept the help available, because very vulnerable people often don't trust the authorities. Could this apply to your ex? Or could she just be trying to manipulate you?

She was offered a HMO but I was worried about her safety

I hope to fill out some forms for her tomorrow to do with council housing

I've not had much to do with that side of it so far as I've been trying to stay out

But alas it has come over to me

OP posts:
Nicecuppatea2025 · 16/08/2025 00:43

Kids are first and only in this scenario. What is in the best interests of the children?

Also: hell no. Not in a million years. No no no.

NoraLuka · 16/08/2025 00:46

If the ex was still being horrible then no.

If they’d been horrible in the past but ok for a while, and if they were my children’s other parent then yes. Specifically thinking of ExH who I’ve got along with ok for about a decade.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 16/08/2025 00:47

No chance.
Not even for a night.

If she is looking for council housing, then staying with you is a guarantee they'll put her to the bottom of the bottom of the list and you'll never get rid of her.

snemrose · 16/08/2025 00:56

She was offered a HMO but you were worried about her safety? Did you think her sleeping in her car was a safer option? Why did you think you had the right to veto any accommodation she was offered?
No I don’t think she should stay with you even for a night

Bibonelove · 16/08/2025 01:00

Never in a million , I've been too soft In the past and I've learnt the hard way, don't do I to yoursellf

Testerical · 16/08/2025 01:07

No, of course not. Sex of person concerned is of no relevance. Does she have drug dependency or other vulnerabilities like mental health condition? She won’t end up on the streets if she doesn’t want to be on the street. She will get a hostel bed as others have said if she is genuinely homeless.