Would you take your ex in, if the only other option was being homeless

[Donotpanicoknowpanic]

If you have an ex that left you but they then fell on hard times and literally the only option was to sleep at yours or they sleep in their car (realistically this would be reasonably long term)

Would you let them sleep at yours until they are back on their feet

(The council were contacted and no realistic opinions were provided)

The ex was really nasty during the divorce, saying lies all over social media, argued with all of your family and has also been quite nasty since the divorce

Though if nothing is expected of them (such as helping to tidy up), will be quite and enjoys spending time with the kids

...and a SOFT TOUCH gets these vampires back in the door. For your own safety, do yourself a favour & TOUGHEN UP.

It's a resounding, big fat NO from me!

Absolutely not.

“I just feel sorry for her as she has made loads of bad decisions since leaving me and it's got so bad she can not even support herself anymore
I hope to be strict and make her turn her life around (ie get a job)”

What makes you think she will suddenly start making good decisions once she is back with you? The fact that you got custody of thr children doesn’t exactly count in her favour. And how are you going to be “strict” and make her get a job? If she’s so flaky she’s got to the point of having to sleep in her car, who will give her a job? And what sort of house do you live in, that’s so big it won’t impact on the kids if you give her a bedroom? I’m worried about the fact that you discouraged her from living in an HMO because you were “worried about her safety” - why? Why are you involving yourself so much in the life of an ex? She is an ex for a reason - or do you want the whole downward spiral to start again?

I haven't seen you mention how old the DC are. It could be quite emotionally damaging for them having their mother leave, and then move back in, only to have her leave again in the future. You have to consider what would be best for them (or least damaging), however difficult the decision may be.

If she did move back in, why would you expect nothing of her? If she's staying rent free (my assumption to allow her to get back on her feet) why should she not do a little in the house to 'pay her way'?

What happens if, a year down the line she's not got back on her feet? Or she's in a better place and refuses to move out? Or moves out and then makes bad choices and is back to square one? I can see here you want to do the decent thing OP, but you seem to have this idealised scenario in your head that in six months all will be sorted and she'll be gone again. If that's not the case, think of the possible consequences and how things will affect you, and most importantly your children.

It’s a no from me.

id also be very clear around what help you’re making and if you’re getting involved with the forms / admin - you’re setting yourself up to be the backup option if unsuitable or not preferred/accepted alternatives are proposed as you’re getting too close to it.

does ex have no relative or friend you can inform or who might agree to share sorting some of this out with you?

On the fence as the divorce process does generally pit people against each other
so the fact he was a twat during the divorce wouldn’t be the main deciding factor

Definitely wouldn’t want it to be long term you need to be short term help not to long term solution

No 😂 the twat

For goodness sake
stop being an enabler/rescuer
She was offered an HMO. She had an option. How would your kids be impacted if their flaky mum tipped up in their house for months and then disappeared again? What a ridiculous idea.

Why did the marriage breakdown? If you cheated with her best friend and it sent her into a spin leading to the nasty behaviour that’s one thing. If you finished it because she was nasty that’s another. how nasty was she? Was it a pattern of abuse or temporary short lasting episodes with accountability?

How is she with the kids? Is she likely to lose her temper regularly?

Will the kids worry about her?

How will it impact their relationship with her? What’s their relationship like?

However, you absolutely have to protect your own wellbeing for the kids so if she has a negative impact on your wellbeing then it’s a definite no.

You have to protect your kids. What’s in their best interest? I’d be getting professional advice I think.

For goodness sake
stop being an enabler/rescuer
She was offered an HMO. She had an option. How would your kids be impacted if their flaky mum tipped up in their house for months and then disappeared again? What a ridiculous idea.

No especially if children are involved. She’s not your responsibility

No. I'd laugh at their misfortune if they were as nasty as you say.

No.

he was physically abusive.

@Donotpanicoknowpanic Can I ask how she's 'fallen on hard times' to be now facing homelessness? This would likely determine my answer.

She needs to take what she is offered by the council. If you house her she won’t be considered homeless and they won’t help her. Look up advice of websites such as Shelter, I think there have been previous threads on here.
She could visit the kids at yours if you are worried about them going to an HMO.

Possibly but it would have to be for a very fixed term and they would need to contribute financially.

No. Hell would have to freeze over first. Take a moment and remember why he is your ex.

I don’t think I could see the father of my children homeless, literally only for my children’s sake as it would be so hard on them to see a parent in that situation, if something happened to them whilst homeless I’d be afraid the children wouldn’t understand or forgive it down the line. But easier said than done I know. I’d be trying to put in clear deadlines and boundaries

No.

Mines been an absolute shit to my kids (youngest two so he’d have to get on with it, reap what you sew and all that)

im on much better terms with older kids dad so yeah id help but he wouldnt be staying, only cook him dinners, wash clothes, shower etc

No.

You won't be able to get her out again.(Or is that what you secretly want). You are NOT her only option. You can't take control by being "strict" either - that doesn't sound good at all.
You aren't thinking straight here, if you want the best for the children.
There wiill be friction/violence/arguments, she makes bad decisions, and she could leave them again at any time.
How do you balance "being strict" with her only being OK if no demands are made if her?.
Wise up. Put your own needs and feelings, and hers, to the back of your head.
Your Children MUST come first - they need a calm, loving, safe, stable home.

No.

There is a reason that you rather than the children's mother got full custody of the children. Either her tendency to make bad choices pre-date the divorce or there is some other reason that the court thought you were the more responsible parent.

Your primary obligation is to your children. They deserve a stable and peaceful home. If you invite your ex to stay it will feel like the family is being broken up again when she has to leave. Facilitate contact between the children and their mum but it would demonstrate really poor judgement for you to let her stay with you.

I thought it was interesting that you said you would be "strict" and make her get a job. She is an adult who can make her own choices and deal with the consequences. Were you as domineering in the marriage?

LOL