Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200? I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working because I’ve never been able to escape it, I’ve been paying every month for years.

Your mother doesn’t want you going to loan sharks because that’s what she’s doing to you, and she doesn’t want to lose her profits.

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

You clearly feel awful anyway so you've got nothing to lose in that respect.

You don't owe her anything. She neglected you when you were in her care. Keep your money and find ways to access some counselling to help you understand that you have been the victim here and you have nothing to blame yourself for.

It's the only way to start healing.

OP, I have a daughter your age and reading how you've been treated makes me want to cry. Please PLEASE listen to the good advice on this thread from the people who are horrified at how you've been treated.

1. Don't acknowledge any "debt". There was never a debt. She should have been supporting you.
2. Please don't pay her any more money.
3. Explore how you can get counselling. Your feelings of emotion and guilt are BECAUSE you have been abused - emotionally and financially. Counselling will help you understand that and you will be able to let go of those feelings.
4. Be proud of yourself. You're still so young and you've done so well to get this far. Don't let your family ruin any more of your life than they already have. Stop giving them that power.

Sending you a massive hug. You can do this.

I am horrified at this as a mum ! However if she knows enough to be asking you to pay it back then she must be have a detailed list of how it’s built up and the payments you’ve made against that. Ask for it and check it over before you pay a penny more - honestly I don’t think she has a clue and is effectively stealing from her own child to control you. So sorry you’re in this position - what a piece of work 😩

She's taking the proverbial piss.

So let's say you borrowed £20 for food every month to see you through to the end of the month.
To owe her £1000 means you borrowed £20 per month for 50 months which time wise is 4 years and 2 months. Does this sound realistic? During that time you've also been paying her back £200 per month. At £200 per month, your debt to her would be cleared in 5 months. How can she possibly claim you owe her "thousands"? You don't.

What you need to do is work out roughly how many £200 payments you've paid and going forward make sure you keep a log of every payment you make to her. If you've already paid her 5 payments your debt to her is already paid off based on the figures above. If you've paid her 6 or more payments, you've overpaid.

You've done extraordinarily well to get to the position you are now in. You're independent and the chances are your mother - and I use that term very loosely - resents this. It seems to me she's trying to control you and make you beholden to her. Don't allow her to do this. She's your mother: her job was to protect you and give you the best start in life. Clearly, she's done neither. What's worse she seems to be deliberately trying to drag you down. Stand up to her. No, you won't be paying her £400 per month. You've worked out you borrowed £x, you've paid back £y, you owe her £z (assuming you owe her anything at all.)

I'm also curious as to what happened to the child benefit I'm assuming she was still receiving in your absence. That money was intended for YOU. I'd be deducting that from the debt as well given you didn't receive any of it.

Frankly, she's a disgrace and a bully. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you with threats to cut you off. Stand your ground calmly but firmly.

I'd also subtly be enlisting support from your relatives. Go to each of them and say you've worked out all the figures and would they be good enough to "double check them." This will allow them to see what was borrowed, what was paid back and what - if anything - is still owed. Your mother is going to look very foolish in their eyes if she starts prattling onto them about "thousands" and "£800 per month."

As others have said, you would almost certainly be better off - financially and emotionally - without this appalling woman in your life but that's your call. Well done once again for everything you've achieved so far against all odds. Wishing you all the best in the future X

Your mother sounds absolutely vile. Agree that she actually has no idea how much you owe and she’s using it to control you. You owe her nothing. Tell her you are repaid her enough and it stops now. Quite honestly it’s a disgrace that she’s asked you for anything. Please do not feel guilty - she let you down badly as a mother and you owe nothing. She should be ashamed of herself. It sounds like you’d be better off without her in your life tbh.

I’m in a similar situation. I told my mother to take me to small claims or accept the offer of £20 a month. She had created a debt with things like each time she took my dc out (she offered!) she would create an invoice of what she had spent . She then got us things as gifts and weeks or months later said it wasn’t a gift and we had to pay (eg a washing machine when ours broke) . She then told me I owed £1000 and she wanted £100 a month. It’s destroyed our relationship.

If you think you still owe her money then I’d ask for a spread sheet or list of what exactly you owe. I can’t see how you have borrowed that much.

I honestly think she is just doing this to control you and make sure she keeps punishing you for her mistakes.

Are you in any form of counselling or therapy. It would really help to you to see what she actually is.

I get it, they are your parents, but you would do so much better with them out of your life. I personally wouldn’t pay her any more money and block her on everything. Stop contact. I’d she turns up where you live call the police. It is unfair that you have to live this way.

Tell the vile woman, you’ve calculated your debt and you’ve overpaid by £269, can she pay that back ASAP.

OP you really need some therapy. You are so young and of course she’s your only mum. But she has not treated you with the unconditional love and support you would expect. I have two kids are similar ages to you and they are positively mollycoddled compared to you. You sound so strong and incredible.

You can’t force her to behave like a decent mum. But you can stop becoming impoverished.

In some ways I wish you could up sticks and move somewhere completely different and start a new life away from her.

Who do you have in your life that does support you? Friends, colleagues? I don’t know if you are a nanny because you describe living with your employer. Can you speak to them? But you need to open up to the decent people in your life and learn to say no to your mum.

you will need to be really strong and learn to put down boundaries. I wish you had somebody around you to support you through this. Please do not give her a penny more.

Don’t put anything in text or writing.

Tell her face to face that your calculations indicate that have paid the debt and more besides, and you won’t be giving her any more money.

Ask her what happened to the child benefit for the period you were out of the home, as you are looking into whether you can claim it retrospectively. I don’t think this is possible, but if she had a fraudulent claim going she will want to avoid any official investigation.

To be honest, it would be better for you if she did cut you off, because she’s still abusing you.

Op, what has she said when you have asked her how much the total is? Have you asked her?

She is using this “debt” to control you.

I would suggest this as an attempt to end it, but if she cuts you off, and I know this will be painf, that’s on her. And you will feel better.

My adult stepdaughter’s mother who is overseas and has never been to the uk in the eight years my stepdaughter has lived with us, spoke to her abusively every week for five years. My stepdaughter was a mess. Then her mum cut her off. Three years later, my stepdaughter is a changed woman, happy, confident,smiling and no longer a shell of a person. Sometimes you have to let them cut you off.

So send her this:

Dear Mum,

Unless you can provide me with a complete written breakdown of any money you claim I owe you — including the exact dates and amounts of all loans and all repayments I have made — I consider the matter closed. My debt to you is, as far as I am concerned, paid in full.

From this point forward, I will not be giving you any more money. I will not discuss the matter further until you provide the detailed calculations I have requested.

If you attempt to demand further payments without providing this information, I will treat it as harassment and refer the matter to the police, who will require the same level of detail from you.

I am happy to remain in contact and talk about other things, but I will not engage in any further conversation about money until the information above is provided.

OP, gently - you are amazing - you have come from a difficult, abusive situation and started to make something of yourself and build a new life. Your mother is cruel, abusive and calculating. It’s hard, always hard to acknowledge this and feel that there isn’t a debt to pay for her raising you. But, objectively, there isn’t and this is not normal or acceptable behaviour from a parent to a child. Read everything everyone has said, work out your narrative and start repeating it to her. Something along the lines of - I have borrowed around XXX from you over the last few years and I’m incredibly grateful for that. However, I’ve also paid you back around YYY which settles the debt. I won’t be borrowing anything further, nor will I be paying anything else back. On repeat. Every time. What she does with that, what your wider family do with that, is their choice. Don’t hold space for abuse in your life. You are clearly worth so so much more than that.

please do not pay this. Do not pay a penny. I am sure you have repaid your debt more than enough.

What you have to see is that for your mum it will never be enough. She lacks normal maternal feelings. She sees you as a cash cow now.

You will never be able to please her. You’ll never be able to win her love and affection. You are a remarkable young person, articulate, strong and capable. You do not need to give her any more of what you have worked for. I beg you.

Honestly - tell her to go to small claims court if she’s serious . I did this to my mum. People like this won’t want to 1) pay out for the application and 2) have anyone oversee the situation . Tell her you won’t pay anymore and if she isn’t happy she can take you to small claims

Best to use what you paid her to get yourself trauma therapy. that will help you feel better not staying in contact with an abusive mother. please look after yourself, you need to be your priority. you cary a lot of trauma from the environment in which you developed and it is not your fault. it is the parents responsibility to take care of their children, to be present and attuned to tgeir newds, to make them feel wanted and loved and nurture their development as an individual. When that doesn't happen the children blame themselves, carry guilt, shame and responsibility for maintaining the relationship. A good therapist will help you connect with yourself and leave behind what is not your responsibility. You need to learn to place healthy boundaries with mother and others. Please put yourself first and take care of yourself.

No, don't say this because you don't know how much you owe and you'll be paying it forever. Instead say to her "I know I borrowed small amounts of money from you, but it was when I was still a child and had to leave home due to the abuse I witnessed/experienced. As such you still had a duty of care to me and while you may believe I have a moral obligation to repay you, I believe you had a moral obligation to not put your child in such a debt situation. As such I am drawing a line under this from today and am not repaying any more money. We are even." You need to get comfortable with the fact that there could be consequences and you can't control them. Because realistically what's the alternative? She continues to control you and make your life miserable for how long? Forever? You have a whole amazing life to live, you need to turn to face your future, not stay stuck looking at the past.

The definitely isn’t normal parenting. I wouldn’t think of asking for odd amounts back from my children and I struggle myself at times and could often do with it back, but they still need me at even 19 and 25. A 17yo shouldn’t be expected to be independent, they should still be in education and parents get help with that if they are on low incomes. However I don’t know how it works if you were were removed and in care, but even so you were far too young to be having to pay back.

You owe her nothing and deserve so much better than this. What is your financial situation now, are you working? Living independently? If not how close are you to achieving this if you stop laying her? Best revenge is a life well lived etc etc.

Wow, as a mum I'd rather make sure my kids have what they need than count every £ spent. This sounds more like she's controlling you - kindly, it sounds like it's time to cut the strings.

No it would NOT be okay.
STOP PAYING HER ANYTHING.

Are you not reading what everyone here is telling you?

OP here is a link to NHS therapies.
www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

You can refer yourself online. Write about how you feel and your relationship with your mum and how difficult it is for you to set boundaries. The financial abuse.
They can then direct your referral to the most appropriate service.

Or they might suggest a different support service.

I wonder if there is even a safeguarding issue here with financial exploitation.

Or you can go to the GP and ask for a referee to a peer coach or mental health support service for young people. I don’t know what’s in your area.

But as a start please refer yourself somewhere asap x

Oh god I want to shake you and hug you at the same time.

You owe her nothing, neither legally or morally.

As I said upthread, unless you’ve been borrowing a lot more from her than you alluded to in your original post you have repaid her in full with loan shark level of interest.

Offering less than £400 will not be acceptable to her because it isn’t about the debt, she’s used to controlling you, and she’s been using you to top up her income. She’s got used to an extra £200 in her pocket and is trying to squeeze you for more.

Why do you feel that you owe her money despite what’s been said on this thread and still want to pay?

I think you’ll find this question quite hard to answer and I’d be very surprised if you can answer it on here, but take some time to think it over. Also listen to posters who have experience dealing with narcissistic parents. FOG is often mentioned on here.