Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

Poor you. The world feels terrifying without a ‘safety net’ which family should always provide. The psychological power of family is very strong. And when our family is not a safe space, life is immeasurably more terrifying. It took me 20 years after leaving my abusive family to truly extricate myself from them. Refusing financial ‘help’, no matter how tempting was a vital part of this. I don’t have any easy answers for you. There is some great advice on this thread for that. I hope that in time you will feel strong enough in the world so that you can set good boundaries with your mum and the other family and speak your truth with them. A book you might find inspiring is ‘Educated’ by Tara Westover. Another wise woman’s words might help too ‘I’m a real tough kid, I can handle my shit, they said you’ve gotta fake it till you make it so I did’ :) Your mum is mean! She needs you far more than you need her.

That would absolutely not be okay because you are being financially abused and should not be paying anything. Please get some professional therapy. You’ve done amazingly well to get as far as you have, but the fact that you are still feeling tied to a mother who abused you and continues to abuse you shows that you are still struggling to break free. Everyone on this thread can see clearly that you shouldn’t be paying the money. Even if you did actually owe it, which you don’t, the rate of repayment is completely unreasonable. No one can tell you want to do, you need to find your own way forward. But I would very much urge you to consider, why would your mum want to take half your income from you and leave you with not enough to live on when she definitely doesn’t need the money? You’re still young and I have every faith you will eventually break free, but right now you are very much still in your mother’s control even though you don’t live with her.

At 17 I was in a YOI, and then prison in my early twenties. I had a similar upbringing to you. I remember one day listening to the moronic conversations around me, and deciding that when I got out, I was going to just take the reigns on life. I decided never to blame my upbringing, or use it as an excuse, but also to not feel any responsibility or shame towards my parents or my past. I'm 54 now, I have a great career and family, and both my parents died a few years ago. There was no genuine way to reconcile with them. They were just insane, and continued to create drama and madness in my absence. You only owe yourself. Find better role models, and carve out your own path.

She does owe. She chose to have you and took such poor care of you that social services removed you. This has put you in a financially vulnerable situation, for which she is directly responsible. You don't owe her a cent. The fact that she has been taking hundreds a month off of you, keeping you financially dependent on her, is abhorrent. That is your money and you would be well within your rights to ask for it back, but I can understand you would not want to do that. She probably owes you thousands by now, which you desperately need.

What your mom has done to you and what she is still doing is financial abuse. She is trying to punish you for her own bad parenting. She is trying to prevent you from walking away from her, which you would likely be more inclined to do if you thought you owed her nothing, which you don't.

I am sorry to say, but your mother is a thief.

You owe her nothing. She owed you a happy childhood where you felt safe and loved.

Oh OP please don't. You absolutely don't owe your mum anything. Having children is a privilege and parents are meant to provide for and support their children, not the other way round. I'm so sorry to say she is massively taking advantage of you and may even be abusing you. Please protect yourself and find a way to move forward on your own. You've done brilliantly so far, keep going. Sending massive hugs 🫂

There's a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward you might find helpful, there's a free pdf of it online.

No I think it’s reasonable to say you owe her nothing do not placate her with £100 per month you’ve paid back it’s done!

You do not owe her any more money!

If you continue to pay this loan shark you will never be free.

Seriously you are in thrall to a nasty narcissist. You need therapy. But first you need to cut your family off. Completely.
On some level, you know you have to, you are just beaten down. This is horribly sad. But you can leave.

OP she is financially abusing you!

Please do not give her another penny!

Can you access any counselling? Either via work or via the nhs? Please try. This is not a normal situation, but you can't seem to see that, never mind how extreme it is.

Don't reduce the amount. STOP the amount.

Could we convince you to chat to women's aid perhaps? You are being subjected to financial abuse, coercion and emotional abuse.

FFS. Stop paying her. You’ve paid her back many many times over already. You owe her nothing. She’s an abusive selfish vile cow. She should be giving you money back.

Hi op this situation sounds horrible my dc are about your age and I could not ever take that type of money from them especially if it’s leaving you short every month. I would suggest 50 and you want the money itemised because you haven’t borrowed that much money and like others said she will have received money to care for you when she wasn’t. she sounds like the worst mum ever. I know your 20 but I’m not surprised you don’t feel like the adult you have been struggling far too early in life do you have any other people who can help when your struggling financially. The fact she has so much money she’s still abusing you because she knows you haven’t got that type of money and she is deliberately putting pressure on you. Omg if your were my dc I would do anything to keep you home and safe without all the pressure of life on your young shoulders.

Do you still have a social worker or throughcare worker as a formerly looked after young person OP?

Some areas offer support up to age 23 and it sounds like you would benefit from support emotionally and practically.

I am so sorry about your mum. She's awful. What an understatement.

It's obviously not easy for you, but you definitely, definitely don't owe her this money. Not legitimately, not morally.

She holds stuff against you that happened when you were a teenager, in really difficult circumstances? Let her do that. Let her stew for the rest of her life over it. YOU deserve the opportunity to move on, move up in life, and she is denying you that - not only financially but also she's got you intimidated into thinking she's got a case. She hasn't.

Just...let her get on with her life. You pay her the money, she treats you badly. You don't pay her the money, she treats you badly. You emphatically don't owe her that money. Let her think badly of you. It's not going to make you feel different.

You've got a boyfriend, is he any use and support? What about your employers, who are housing you? Can you count on them to understand if she tries to take it all out on you?

I think it's really strong of you to come here and get some opinions, and it's not an easy thing you've done, so well done, and wish you all the best.

Op at your age and circumstances I do not believe you are in debt to your mum for needing money for food and being short of money every month due to leaving home. Im taking your post at face value and no mum worth her name would see this as 'debt' if she wants to cut contact over this then let her, you must put your own financial needs first. Please also try to get help in the rw. Someone to talk to that you trust but also have some faith in yourself. Youre still so young and there's so much you can do, maybe even more learning , maybe a career change. What ever it may be, wishing you all the best!! 🥰

100 per cent. Im totally feeling your upset on this. I cant get over how disgusting this woman is to her own daughter!!

Seriously OP, let me explain my story. At 23 I moved out into a rental home with my sister who was 3 years younger, had quit uni, got a job, then decided to quit that job few months in to go to a diff uni fulltime. She didn't find another job for 6 months. I was paying the rent and supporting her with food, even giving her money to spend, once she spent it on train tickets and went to London to meet someone she was chatting to online, I ended up using my savings to support us both.
Anyway at 25 year old, i bought my own house and she lived with me, while she worked she paid rent but a low amount like £100 a month, I asked her to do this as she didn't earn a lot so wanted her to save up for herself.
From march 2005 to jan 2014 she lived with me, towards the last few years she was paying me 200 a month and completely supported herself. Over the previous years, I logged some of what she owed but not everything, estimate got to around 10 grand. What have I asked her for since she moved out, had decent jobs, got married etc..nothing! Because that's what family and love means, not keeping count on what someone owes you.
Not sure what is going on with your mum and asking for money, but it doesn't sound healthy at all. Please look after yourself and put yourself first.

@Lifeisinshambles

Just say you borrowed £20 a week, every week, for three years, you would have borrowed £3120 over the three years.

If you paid your mum £200 per month for three years you have already paid her back £7200. You have, by these numbers, already more than paid her back.
Now, this is just basing on what you have said, so it might be different. Also, you need to take off a year where your parents should have still been paying for you, so it would be even less.

This is just another form of her abusing you, by controlling you. Her control has changed from physical to financial, but it is still abuse.
You need to get help to be able to see a way through this fog, and also FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

You owe her NOTHING and I hope you realise this soon💐

Just stop paying your awful abusive mother, cut her off and use the money to pay for some therapy.

You need to change that mindset, @Lifeisinshambles. You have come so far, and achieved so much, and I am 100% sure you can change your thinking on this.

Tell yourself that a good mum wouldn’t want to tie you into a cycle of debt (taking so much of your income that you have to borrow more just to eat/pay bills). And you have paid her a lot of money, so it is more than likely that you don’t owe her anything anyway.

I think you should tell her you can pay her £50 a month, but no more, and that you want to see a clear breakdown of how much she has loaned you and how much you have already paid her back before she will get a penny more from you. I am willing to bet that she won’t be able to produce proper records, and she is actually just fleecing you.

I am glad that you have your friend, who you stayed with - good friends who help and support you are worth so much more than toxic family.

YABU to pay her anything at all. Just don't.

good luck to you, you sound amazing

What a truly wonderful post! All power to the young people on here navigating really abusive childhoods, and the wisdom, life experience gained. This is one of the best posts on here - sent from the heart, from lived experience and with true understanding.

You really need to go no contact with her. She is abusing you financially and in the past, emotionally if not still. I’m not sure Stepchange (who are a genuine debt support charity) can really help you as it sounds as if the “loan” is not formal and this is more about the dynamics between you and her bid for control. Maybe try Citizens Advice for help in budgeting and they can signpost you to a relevant organisation to support your independence. £800 is a low wage, is there any way of increasing this? How are you affording a place to stay etc? Good luck

My dad is the same with me and my two siblings. He has handed over a small fortune over the years: help with mortgages, redundancies, divorce, cars, bad choices. He was ‘just’ a printer, so not loaded, but he did what he could for us. He’s 91 now and he says he helped because we always worked and did our best to help ourselves. It’s what parents do 🙂