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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
Menonut · 15/08/2025 19:05

As the mum of a 20 year old - stop paying you don’t owe her anything!
If you don’t want to stop paying ask her for a detailed record of how much you owed, how much you have paid back and how much you still owe. I bet she can’t give that to you.

She is doing this to keep a hold on you. Stop paying. If people are awful enough to believe her if she’s bad mouthing you, do you want them or her in your life?

Be proud of yourself for everything you have achieved and use the money to build yourself a better life rather than funding your mum who clearly doesn’t need it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/08/2025 19:05

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:18

Thank you.
I don’t want to be too outing but I am privately housed via work.
I mean both types.

Sorry I didn’t respond for hours.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. You didn’t deserve any of this to happen to you. And in fact their fighting in front of you was a form of abuse too.

Have you been able to have any counselling to help you with all of this?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/08/2025 19:06

JLou08 · 15/08/2025 15:48

Let her cut you off. You may find you are happier without her in your life.
Stop paying her. See if you are entitled to UC or council tax reduction. Citizen's advice or welfare rights may be able to see what youre entitled to and help you learn to budget better. Maybe look into education or training, you're still very young, you can work towards a well earning career. Use food banks whilst you get yourself back on your feet. Don't ask her for anything again, live an independent life where you're not dragged down by her conditions and from the sounds of it financial exploitation.

This is good advice. Please OP.. get in contact with Citizen's advice... and also a debt charity. See what other benefits you can claim. Ask if there are any groups that help young people in your situation, particularly those that may help you further your education/career.

It sounds like you need to find someone you can talk to to help you make your plans to move forward... ask GP or citizen's advice to recommend someone.

I bet there's a way of checking if she continued to claim child benefit after you moved out too.

You deserve a better mother than the one you've got.. its very sad, but I don't think she's doing you any good..

It's very sad that you are in this position and its so unfair, but you sound like a resilient person who will find the strenght to get through this. Wishing you all the very best

PolyVagalNerve · 15/08/2025 19:07

Hey OP - you sound amazing
your mum has not been good to you that’s for sure
you owe her nothing - no money, no explanation. Nothing.
i hope she one day regrets how she has treated you

be kind to yourself, you deserve self compassion and more.
wishing you all the very best and a life of freedom from trauma x

AnnaFrith · 15/08/2025 19:07

IndyNial · 15/08/2025 17:26

OP here is a link to NHS therapies.
www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

You can refer yourself online. Write about how you feel and your relationship with your mum and how difficult it is for you to set boundaries. The financial abuse.
They can then direct your referral to the most appropriate service.

Or they might suggest a different support service.

I wonder if there is even a safeguarding issue here with financial exploitation.

Or you can go to the GP and ask for a referee to a peer coach or mental health support service for young people. I don’t know what’s in your area.

But as a start please refer yourself somewhere asap x

Please do this. She abused you and is still abusing you, and you need help to deal with that and learn to set healthy boundaries. I am sorry you have had to deal with this.

Please don't pay her any more money.

Annalouisa · 15/08/2025 19:08

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 17:10

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200? I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working because I’ve never been able to escape it, I’ve been paying every month for years.

You've been paying her every month for years, but for what? Is it a daughter duty? Paying her for the pleasure of living? A fee for having a bad mother? Sorry, but I think you have to realise your mother is milking you, and your £200 per month is in fact a fee for having contact with her.

Seriously, you know you don't owe her, she knows you don't owe, but why would be she stop charging you? It's free money for her, and erm, she's unscrupulous and doesn't care much about your welfare - as evidenced by the home environment she created for you.

Why don't you ask her

  • to give you a breakdown of how much she allegedly lent you and
  • how much you've paid her back over the yars?
  • how much child benefit she's received for you over the years
..then she'll soon clam up and drop this topic.
tsmainsqueeze · 15/08/2025 19:08

I absolutely can't believe what i am reading , your mother is not only batshit but evil too, how does she sleep at night treating her precious child like this.
The stress you have been under for years must be consuming you and now is the time to make a stand and say enough is enough !
You don't owe this selfish cruel excuse of a mother one penny , what she has done to you is totally abusive.
I am the mother of a teenage girl and it is one of my life's missions to send her off into the adult world knowing how wanted she was and how very loved she has always been and that nothing on this earth would stop us her family from rescuing her from anything she needed us too .
I would sell my soul for her , for that is what a mother would do.
Please cut them off and live the happy life you deserve , you are so young and should be having the time of your life.
On the practical side i think i would be looking into some legal advice should she start to harass you , you then may be able to get some sort of injunction to force her to leave you in peace.
I imagine if you don't make a change her behaviour will remain the same and she will always find a reason to treat you in this truly awful way .
You are so worthy of a future filled with love and happiness and security and all the other wonderful good things just waiting to come your way , please accept a huge virtual hug from me , you truly are amazing ❤

Worrywort23 · 15/08/2025 19:09

This is absolutely shocking.
This woman is not, and has never been a mother to you.
I cannot imagine not helping one of my children in need and demanding they pay me back when they are struggling financially.
Please, please do not pay her any more money. She is a leech without any consideration for you at all.

Charel2girl5 · 15/08/2025 19:10

Tell her to fu** off and forget all about it. Get on with your life and all the best! 🤗

lcakethereforeIam · 15/08/2025 19:14

OP I googled 'I'm in debt to a loan shark uk' and this was one of the first results 😳

Loan Shark Debts? Get Free Expert Advice. StepChange https://share.google/PfLxADcxVhNBuVHjP

Especially the bit in the purple box!

I've never heard of Step Change. There's a bit about them in Wikipedia. They're a charity and regulated by the FCA. If you think they're legitimate you may want to contact them for advice. No mother should treat there child like this.

Also controlling and coercive behaviour by a family member is a crime

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Loan Shark Debts? Get Free Expert Advice. StepChange

https://www.stepchange.org/debt-info/owing-money-to-loan-sharks.aspx

mugglewump · 15/08/2025 19:15

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:29

I am 20 years old.
I don’t know the exact figure, she has told me it’s a build up of different £2’s and various different small payments from when I first left home, for eg before I had received my first payment from universal credit (had just moved into a supported accommodation, was very young and not in a good place at the time, I got a job soon after!) and needed to get some food shopping (just bread, milk etc!! Nothing fancy)

I would be very surprised if she had been keeping a record of the money she has lent you if it has all been in small amounts - £10 here, £2 there, you said. Therefore, this £400 has just been picked out of thin air. I would ask for proof of the total amount owed. If she cannot provide it, you don't have to pay it to her.

If she cuts communication, I think she would be doing you a favour in the long term. She has not been much of a mum to you, kicking you out at 17. You are legally still a child at that age. You are still so young to stand on your own two feet, but I can't see how 'paying to have a relationship with your mother'* is really going to help you.

*Because that is what it sounds like she is making you do.

whynotwhatknot · 15/08/2025 19:17

3 p0ouns here and there and shes asking for it back? you dont owe anything like thousands

you have probably paid way over what she lent you-ive never asked someone to give me 2 pounds back or noted it down as a debt

nocoolnamesleft · 15/08/2025 19:20

Your mother is deliberately acting like a loan shark to keep you beholden to her. She is punishing you for daring to move out, and for daring to speak to a social worker. Do not pay her another penny without evidence of exactly what you allegedly owe, and have already paid. If she doesn't have that evidence (and I'd be gobsmacked if she did) then do not pay her another penny. If she does produce the evidence, only consider committing to paying back what you can afford without having to borrow more.

I'm a firm believer in paying debts, but you are being shafted by your own mother.

Sunaquarius · 15/08/2025 19:20

This is cruel behaviour from a mother to a daughter..she is supposed to be supporting you into the adult world and £10 or £20 here and there when you are a teenager isn't a big deal. I feel like a loving mother would wipe the "debt" and help you to budget going forward, especially, seeing as she has come into money recently.

MMUmum · 15/08/2025 19:24

Ask her for the credit and debit accounts showing how much you borrowed and how much you paid back, when she obviously can't provide them because she's scamming you, then stop paying. What sort of decent caring parent would behave like this really🤔🤔

rainingsnoring · 15/08/2025 19:31

Your mother is an appalling woman @Lifeisinshambles. I am so sorry to read how shockingly badly you have been treated.
You owe her nothing, nothing at all. Cut her off and don't look back. I really hope you have access to some counselling and support.

Ophy83 · 15/08/2025 19:32

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 17:10

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200? I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working because I’ve never been able to escape it, I’ve been paying every month for years.

No. I think that unless and until she provides you with a written account of what she says you owe her, with dates so you can ascertain what is actually remaining then you should pay her nothing more. It sounds to me like you have more than paid her back long ago and she is using this to control and financially abuse you. Parents shouldn't treat their children like this

Crazydoglady1980 · 15/08/2025 19:32

OP you are in a domestically abuse relationship with your Mum and she is financially and emotionally abusing you. Please contact your local domestic abuse charity, they will help you. These services are not just for partner relationships

MMUmum · 15/08/2025 19:36

Spirallingdownwards · 15/08/2025 18:45

This thread is possibly one of the saddest I have ever seen on here.

I agree, op you have been failed on so many levels. Tell your mum it stops now! Day 1 of your new life begins today, wishing you so much luck and happiness💐💐🥰

Tealpins · 15/08/2025 19:36

The 'loan' is NOT ENFORCEABLE. OP doesn't need debt advice. She isn't in any debt. Stop telling her to approach debt charities. There is no enforceable contract here.

She absolutely does need help with the emotional bit - sounds like abusive behaviour.

NorthernMam20 · 15/08/2025 19:37

Please just take some time apart from her and your dad. Don’t pay a penny. If it’s mentioned, take advice from other posters and message that you can’t afford it and mention how much you’ve paid in total and that you can’t pay anymore. I can bet anything you’ve OVERPAID a while ago what you owed!
Go to your GP and ask for counselling, you really need to speak to someone professional and understand that you really deserve more.
Please take all advice seriously! Don’t give in and keep paying to keep them happy. If they mouth off to family members, surely they know you were REMOVED and fended for yourself.
You are worth so much more than you’ve received. I’m sure plenty of people on here have experience of manipulating parents, as do I. You’re an adult now and you don’t need them! You’re self sufficient and the balls in their court if they want to respect you. Until then, respect yourself and seek help ❤️

Aimtodobetter · 15/08/2025 19:40

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 17:10

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200? I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working because I’ve never been able to escape it, I’ve been paying every month for years.

I think for your own self respect you shouldn't pay her another penny until she provides a detailed schedule of all the money she "lent" you and the can compare it to the money you have paid her back. My guess is it doesn't exist and that you have probably already paid her more than she lent you. Even if not, you were (and kind of are) a child trying to survive and literally buy food - your parents should be helping you not charging you for that.

Happyher · 15/08/2025 19:40

Don’t pay her one penny more. She doesn’t need the money and I think she’s bullying you. No caring mother would do what she’s doing. I’ve given money to my daughter when she’s needed it, not expecting to get it back. That’s what normal parents do. You need to stand up to her. Once she knows you won’t be bullied she’ll stop. Can you boyfriend or other friends help you confront her

Tweedledumtweedle · 15/08/2025 19:45

Oh my god! Please don’t pay her any more money. She is an awful mother. One day you’ll have kids of your own and look back in horror at this. Tell her you’ve figured out the bill of what she should have covered until you were 18 and actually , it’s the other way around, she owes you £2 grand

60andcounting · 15/08/2025 19:47

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 17:10

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200? I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working because I’ve never been able to escape it, I’ve been paying every month for years.

No. I think it would be reasonable to tell your mum that you have had some advice and you have realised that all your debt has been paid a long time ago. Then for your own sanity stay away from her.
Are you able to talk to anyone in real life about it? A sympathetic friend might give you the boost to help you see that your mum isn't a good person and shouldn't be taking advantage of you like this.
I'm sorry for your situation. Best of luck with everything.

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