Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

No darling, that's not ok. You owe her nothing. Hard as it may be, you need to walk away.
She would've got your child benefit until the authorities caught up and the pennies she was lending you never added up to the £2400/yr you've been paying back.
You'd have had to borrow £2 three times a day every day to get to the figures she was talking about.
Mums don't do this, they give their kids a leg up, not a kicking.
Step away for your own wellbeing.

If you moved out at 17 and started to work there should have been no child benefit.
Do you know how much you’ve paid her back? Have you asked how long she plans on receiving money from you every month? It can’t be ongoing indefinitely and if she can’t tell you how much you’ve paid or owe then she’s just financially abusing you. I’d stop paying her

The ONLY one who has any, any blame in this scenario is your sorry excuse for a mother. Tell her you are done being blackmailed by her and any money she had "lent you" was money she owed you for her being such a wastetoid of a parent.

If she cuts off contact, that will truly be in your best interest. Some people, like your mother, just are a failure at being a parent. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

I think you sound amazing and if you had a better parental figure growing up, you would realize that. I think many MNers would be quite proud to call you their daughter, so it's your mother's loss, not yours.

You can pick your friends, you can pick out your mate, you can pick out your favorite foods. Heck, you can even pick your nose. Sadly, you do not get to pick your family. BUT, you can pick friends who can be just like family, and many times, much better than the ones fate dropped on you.

You got away from your mother, so don't let her try to keep a chain on you. You are free. Enjoy that and have a wonderful, fulfilling life.

This thread is possibly one of the saddest I have ever seen on here.

That's irrelevant though....I know you're not suggesting that this money is owed but it's going to put doubts in OP's head.

As she claims to know how much you borrowed and jow much you still have to pay back ask her for a full itemised account. All money loaned and repaid, only then will you agree to keep paying. Morally and legally she has no legs to stand on. She should have been paying your legal guardian, which was you, child support until you turned 18/left school.

This is financial abuse. You don't need her in your life and if she doesn't go quietly, you're strong enough to handle that. Don't give her any more money. You need that money to save for your future life and you don't owe her anything. She is clearly not basing her demands on anything remotely realistic and just wants to control you. I can imagine stopping the payments is a frightening thought because it will reveal how much your mum values you for the money rather than yourself - but I promise you will be stronger for this, and you'll be able to build a life for yourself.

Wait. Do you think she may have lost tax credits and child benefit and added them to the bill?! Blimey. That would make her some piece of work (on top of all the rest!)

You have paid her back already haven’t you?

First step - look back and add up what you have already paid.

Then add up child benefit from when you moved out to your 18th. It would be between 90-100 per month I think.

Add the two together and see what you have.

Them divide that figure by the number of months you were ‘borrowing’ off her (I have put borrowing in quotes because I see it as her duty and not to be paid back but she’s obviously a difficult personality).

This will give you an idea if YOU. think you under or over paid.

You then think about what has been said here and what YOU think is FAIR. Most parents would happily help to feed their child even post 18.

I suspect you will have overpaid.

So then write;

Dear mum,

I have totted up finances and;

Amount paid from - to = Xxx
You would also have been getting child benefit for me from date - date.

From my calculations, any debt you think I accrued has been paid.

Given this and the fact that I need to work towards financial security for myself, I am no longer able to do monthly payments.

If you think that I still owe you then could you provide me with evidence of that please and if I agree with it, I’ll decide on a manageable payment plan.

You can make it more friendly if you like;

Hi mum,

I have looked back and have paid you X amount over the last X years. I can’t imagine I owe you much more than that do I?! If you think I do, could you let me know how much you think it is and why please (minus child benefit received). I’ll then try and figure out what to do. See you Saturday. X

If you were in the Looked After system then it might be worth contacting them to see if there is support you can get with this - even just someone to help you think it through.

Personally, I think you deserved and deserve better and no-contact would be my choice here but I totally get why that can be hard.

Best of luck and well done for surviving all of that, all of this and doing so well to forge a life for yourself. I get the sense you’ll be just fine!! 😊

But she could just fabricate this. The OP needs to understand that she should not be paying her mother regardless of the amount she borrowed.

Could you go through your bank statements? Was it through the bank or cash that she lent you money? I know it’s irrelevant but it’s might you feel better if you stop paying. Sounds like financial abuse to be honest.

100%

I wouldn’t even say this. I’d message asking for statements to show the full amount you owe and I’d also ask her whether she got child benefit when you moved out and were 17 as that should definitely go against your costs. Her responses to these will tell you everything.

Why are people complicating this by talking about lost child benefit? She lost the child benefit because she was abusing her child and still is.

OP this thread makes me really sad. Your mother has treated you abominably, but you're still loyal and trying to be decent to her. That's very honourable of you, but I kind of wish for your sake that you could just walk away.

My daughter is almost 18 and about to go to university. We'll be paying for her room and giving her a monthly stipend, not because we're particularly nice people but because that's what parents do if they can, and certainly if they're sitting on six-digit sums of money.

In practical terms - maybe go to citizens' advice by yourself first to firm up your legal position, then come back with your mother, so that they can support you in putting across to her that you owe her diddly squat. Zilch.

Her behaviour is clearly about control, and since she's got emotional hooks in you, it'll be a long-term challenge to deal with. I hope you have or find friends who can help, and maybe therapy really isn't a bad idea.

You've achieved a lot sorting yourself out to the point that you can pay her anything at all, hats off to you. Don't let her get you down

OP well done for posting. If you feel strong enough to listen to some of the wise advice here (almost unanimous), and ready to make some changes, we can support you through it. Though of course real life and specialist support would be better for you. Have a real think and read through this thread again to see what’s happening here. It cannot go on x

Would it help to donate this £100 instead? May be a DV charity or crisis centre? Or (and I mean this very kindly) invest in some therapy and counselling for yourself. Anything that continues to build on your self confidence.
Your mum is still abusing you...you have come enormously far, but as everyone has said, you don't owe her anything.
You can do this ❤

Don’t pay a thing!!

Send a blanket message to her and the family.

Hi mum,

When I left home you continued lending me bits and bobs of money. This is now paid off - £7,400 over 4 years, yet you are trying to get me to pay £400 per month.

I am now stopping the payments. Unless you can prove that I owe more than the £7.400 we are all settled up. I don’t want there to be any bad feeling so I’m sending this message to make you aware. I will let others know if they need to know what happened too. Thank you x

Your mother is a witch. You don’t owe her a penny. She is financially abusing you.

Get away from
her and don’t look back

STOP PAYING HER!!

You don't owe her anything and the woman who is supposed to love you is taking money from you. The woman who is supposed to love you is making you feel that her love is only available of the condition that you pay her money. This is not normal. I understand that this is making you sad, but the only way this is going to EVER stop, is if YOU STOP PAYING HER.

Sorry for writing again but as others have said, it's important you have therapy and do some research into abuse. You're in a very vulnerable position at the moment and you're very easy prey for other abusive people. People who have been abused are so used to being treated badly that they tend to think it's normal. I wouldn't like that to happen to you x

I hope you're not finding this thread overwhelming @Lifeisinshambles , and that you come back.

You mention not wanting to lose your dad. What part does he play in this? Does he agree with your mum taking this money from you? How was your relationship him when you were removed from their home (and before)?

I know it's hard growing up with abuse that becomes normal in your head. I also had a father who I loved very much, and was my safe place. But now I can see how weak he was. He didn't witness a lot of the abuse, but even so, he let things happen that he shouldn't have.
I might be projecting, but is that your situation?

Blaming yourself for what?

Oh sweetie you don't owe her anything. Her giving you the odd £20 here and there where you were a teenager is a normal thing for a parent to do for a child and her demanding it back from you now, several times over, is madness.

She is abusing you. There is no debt, just lies and abuse.

Tell her you're done giving her money, and let her do what she likes, and say what she likes. She is a terrible mother and if she cuts you off you will be better off in the long run. The emotional pain and turmoil will be worth it to be free of her.

You are not in debt to this woman, you are being abused by her. I'm so sorry.

Please stop paying OP. You shouldn't have to pay to have a relationship with your mother/family. That's how this reads. She is financially abusing you. Please don't start calculating anything. You don't need to pay anything. Your mother is a disgrace. Please seek counselling or a confidence building course/group. Your thought patterns are a result of her abuse. Is there a "Well Woman" type of service near you? Social services may be able to signpost you to a suitable service. Citizens Advice may also be helpful. Your GP can signpost you too. Never borrow money from her again - she sounds like a loan shark!
You sound lovely and capable - seek positive support. She is dragging you down.