Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

[Rallentanda]

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

You can certainly decline. But there’s no harm in doing it politely, rather than not relying. You can simply say too much time has passed for you to feel comfortable doing it or something similar.

Again the culture of “southern hospitality” isn’t really a British thing.

Just to clarify it a bit, my ex-friend has a tendency to be quite high-handed, and that showed itself towards the end of her time in the UK, which was where we knew each other. She didn't attempt to carry on the friendship either, so I assume she feels much the same about me as I do about her? This is partly what's irritating me. If we'd somehow got over that hump and carried on communicating, it might be ok. But as things stand, I feel a bit used, because isn't it actually a bit cheeky to be off with someone, largely ignore each other for 18+ years, then ask them to invest time and money in their offspring?

As someone else says, it's probably a rather scattergun email approach and I don't need to make such a big deal of it.

Many years ago we got a letter (!) from my cousin, her son's friend had been offered a place at a Northern University but as he'd never been north of the M4 he wasn't sure he'd like it, could he come and stay to look round the area. We said Yes, a bit uncertain really as cousin's son wasn't coming. However, he came, we took him around places to show it really wasn't like Coronation St everywhere, he was a lovely guest, came to the University and stayed for years in the North after Uni he'd grown to like it so much.

I wonder how many others of your group got the same email?

It won't be the same people, so I can't check. The father is to blame for that. But she always had lots of friends herself.

Cheeky fuckers!

Fair enough. I can see that.

I’m an American and believe me they’re cheeky.

An alternative viewpoint:

Maybe your old/ex friend has finally seen through her, "Always getting fired from his job" DH and her high handed attitude at the time was inspired by his entitled behaviour as they came as a unit.

She's at least half woken up from the spell and is very clumsily trying to reconnect with better, long ago, happier relationships via her son.

If you see what I mean.

We have a holiday home . When someone I hardly know contacts me for a free holiday, just say what I do ~ “ sorry we don’t rent our home out but there are a few lovely air bnbs nearby that I can recommend “.or in your case “ we do not take lodgers / paying guests “
Your ex- friend is a CF . They’re only interested in a freebie.

See it worked in your parents case. But sometimes people who are CF or arrogant they also raise pretty entitled, poor mannered kids so that's the risk op will have to take.

Speaking from experience.

I am from a culture similar to yours. But I thinks cheeky of ex freind to ask OP when they had no contact for 18 years. And the fact she used to be a smug parent, op is understandly not excited about it.

I’m a dual national and have friends (and their children) in lots of different places (we live in the UK and are culturally British). I don’t think it’s that weird. It’s definitely the sort of thing people do for other young people and certainly my mum’s friends looked after me in various ways when I was that age.

But it’s just an ask. You can say no. Don’t ignore it, that’s rude. Even if you aren’t really friends and you don’t like them. Just say sorry, we can’t, just don’t have the space but hope they have a lovely time travelling. It’s really no big deal.

I guess it depends, if you have a huge house, loads of room like an annexe that is rarely used and like hosting, have some free time, and have find memories of your friendship then yes. In most other circumstances, then no. I couldnt host anyone right now, maybe in the future I wouldnt mind. I think it really depends on the exact curcumstances.

Same here. I dont have a fixed, rigid rule. It seems posters here see it as a black and white thing and some sort of moral failing.

In this case, it's kind of weird to ask because friend was not nice with op before the 18 year gap in the friendship.

He’s just a kid who is heading out into the world on an adventure. It’s just a couple of nights (ask him to sleep in a sleeping bag so you don’t have to redo the bed if you must) and a couple of dinners (that you could ask him to help prepare). If you don’t want to play tour guide send him a couple of web links to cool places and tell him how the public transport system works. What has happened to the world? Why is everything so difficult now?

Young people are facing an incredibly tough time of it with student loans, wage stagnation and housing prospects. A kid who has the gumption to travel across the Atlantic on his own and is putting himself out there to stay with local people instead of sticking with his own crowd already has my admiration and I would 💯 want to do this for him. To fixate on his father’s employment issues and his mother’s micro aggressions decades ago also just seems… a bit mean.

I'd actually consider this. If I had a spare room, and family circs meant it was ok to have someone I didn't know (but presumably isn't an axe murderer) in the house for a few days. He's a teenager. It'll probably be ok. You owe nothing to his parents and they're being CFs but ... it's a nice thing to do for a young person. For that reason alone I'd consider it (but try and find out a bit more about him first). I'd definitely point out that we were going to be at work all day so tours around the city are out!

(My 17 yo son recently did some work experience abroad and the institution he was working for kindly found a young couple he could stay with a few nights. No mollycoddling, no special treatment. It was really nice of them and he was a considerate guest.)

I would reply saying you're not in a position to host guests at the moment and leave it at that.I do think it's quite odd for them to contact you. If my DC was going to a foreign country it wouldn't even cross my mind to ask someone I hadn't spoken to in years to host them.

Interesting. It’s possible, I suppose.

Of course you shouldn’t. You barely know the woman now and you don’t know her DS at all. Just say it’s not convenient.

I find it fascinating that so many would do this. How do you have the money for something like this? What if the person shows up with next to zero money and doesn't want to leave?

I would never have asked a friend or family member to host one of my children or my grandchild, let alone someone I hadn't talked to in 18 years.

@Rallentanda I don't blame you for not wanting to do this. It is quite cheeky and untoward to ask for such a favor after 18 years. The expense and the "hosting duties" are just too much for someone you don't know. I would reply, though. Just say, "No, that doesn't work for my family." Nothing more should need to be said.

Some friends of my ex-in-laws asked if their daughter could come from abroad to stay with them for a month. A year later she was still in their home, eating her weight in food every week. The in-laws were too wet/polite to ask her to leave. It was grimly hilarious, and annoying as she'd insist on being present at all family conversations.

It's only as I write this I'm wondering what on earth she did about her visa.

Glad the thread is going. Guilty gran admitting missing a thread about a boy called Will 😂

I'd definitely do it, I love hosting people though and get that it's not for everyone. I would be so excited to show someone where I live and have them in my home.