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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

260 replies

Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:27

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

OP posts:
Manthide · 16/08/2025 14:17

My aunt often has random people staying at her house, she has 6 bedrooms and she loves meeting new people. She lives in a large northern city. Dd2 is now married with dc but has a large house in a central location and again always seems to have some randomer staying. I remember a few years ago they were visiting USA and they stayed at a friend of a friend's and dog sat whilst they were there (the friends of friends weren't there the whole stay).

Muffinmam · 16/08/2025 14:18

What absolutely awful people they are.

Why haven’t you blocked her??

WoollyRosebud · 16/08/2025 14:20

No room at the inn or that doesn't work for us should do the trick

Motherofalittledragon · 16/08/2025 14:22

No

budgiegirl · 16/08/2025 14:22

Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:34

I haven't replied. I'm not sure I intend to. I find it so fucking rude.

Culture is I'm a Brit and they are American.

I would have guessed they were American. It seems quite a normal thing to do for them. We've met several Americans while on holiday in other countries, often only chatting to them for an hour or two in a bar, and they almost always give us their details and say that we must stay with them if we are ever visiting their area. And they genuinely seemed to mean it. My parents met an American man while on holiday in Switzerland, and he invited himself over to stay with them for a few days, and, to my surprise, they agreed and he came to stay.

I get why you don't want to host him, and I probably wouldn't do it either. But I don't think it's particularly cheeky, it's just a cultural difference

usedtobeaylis · 16/08/2025 14:23

She's cheeky for asking but I don't think it's that relevant, it's not unheard of people to host the children of people they know tenuously from other countries. You can say no or you can say yes and it will make no difference to your relationship with her.

NImumconfused · 16/08/2025 14:28

Pluvia · 15/08/2025 15:26

Yes, we have hosted a number of young people over the years. We live somewhere where people pay a small fortune to come for a holiday and if people are travelling round or doing a gap year we can usually accommodate them for a couple of nights. I echo what @mondaytosunday says. When I was young several people very kindly put me up when I was travelling around and it's good to feel I can offer something in return. And I learn things from the youngsters.

My concern would be that you sound disapproving and affronted, OP. It sounds as if you don't generally host. All those years and you are still full of resentment and disdain for your former friend. I'd love to hear her pov about how your relationship foundered. So if you can't park that negativity, say no to the son.

And my advice to anyone offering accommodation is to be really clear about date of arrival and departure. 'You can stay for three nights, from Friday night through to Monday morning. I can take you to the station for between 9 and 10am on Monday morning.' I've been caught out by a couple of Australian guests who asked to stay for a couple of nights and then dug in for a couple of weeks.

My mum's Australian visitor stayed for 3 months, apparently it's regarded as quite normal over there to stay with folks for extended periods.

Saladbar · 16/08/2025 14:33

I’d not even reply. Half my fam (from my Dad) are American and this is weird and not the norm! It’s not a cultural thing, it’s a they are rude and weird thing. I live abroad and would not even reply to this!

Saladbar · 16/08/2025 14:36

budgiegirl · 16/08/2025 14:22

I would have guessed they were American. It seems quite a normal thing to do for them. We've met several Americans while on holiday in other countries, often only chatting to them for an hour or two in a bar, and they almost always give us their details and say that we must stay with them if we are ever visiting their area. And they genuinely seemed to mean it. My parents met an American man while on holiday in Switzerland, and he invited himself over to stay with them for a few days, and, to my surprise, they agreed and he came to stay.

I get why you don't want to host him, and I probably wouldn't do it either. But I don't think it's particularly cheeky, it's just a cultural difference

Edited
Show quote history

It’s not a cultural difference. I have met Brits that have done this whilst travelling. It’s not a British thing then by default is it, more of a cheeky or people who travel thing. Having lived in the U.S. it’s def not the norm.

ormiwtbte · 16/08/2025 14:38

budgiegirl · 16/08/2025 14:22

I would have guessed they were American. It seems quite a normal thing to do for them. We've met several Americans while on holiday in other countries, often only chatting to them for an hour or two in a bar, and they almost always give us their details and say that we must stay with them if we are ever visiting their area. And they genuinely seemed to mean it. My parents met an American man while on holiday in Switzerland, and he invited himself over to stay with them for a few days, and, to my surprise, they agreed and he came to stay.

I get why you don't want to host him, and I probably wouldn't do it either. But I don't think it's particularly cheeky, it's just a cultural difference

Edited
Show quote history

This is what I think too. I immediately thought American.
If you don't want to host them, that's fine, but I don't think it's particularly cheeky (even though it might seem like that to Brits accustomed to British culture) because it's something Americans tend to do, also offering others accommodation in return too.
Either don't reply or just reply and say that you don't have space for him to stay, small home etc (they might not realize that British homes tend to be smaller), but you could meet up with him for a meal or something if you want to do that and if you don't, don't!

ormiwtbte · 16/08/2025 14:41

Saladbar · 16/08/2025 14:36

It’s not a cultural difference. I have met Brits that have done this whilst travelling. It’s not a British thing then by default is it, more of a cheeky or people who travel thing. Having lived in the U.S. it’s def not the norm.

Show quote history

Ok, this is interesting, I thought it was an American thing and just posted about it above because I have a few friends and acquaintances who've got to know Americans and been invited there and also invited the Americans back, including offspring without their parents, off the back of meeting randomly on holiday!

budgiegirl · 16/08/2025 14:43

It’s not a cultural difference. I have met Brits that have done this whilst travelling. It’s not a British thing then by default is it, more of a cheeky or people who travel thing. Having lived in the U.S. it’s def not the norm

Fair enough, but it's certainly been the case with almost every American we have met while on holiday (small sample, admittedly), and has never happened with another Brit. I don't think it's cheeky if they invite you to stay, or if they would be happy to reciprocate if they are asking to stay with you. It's also fine to say no.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 16/08/2025 14:43

Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:27

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

Simple. I am really sorry we don't have the capacity and our circumstances have changed. You don't need to explain and then don't reply and block her. Why should you be made to feel uncomfortable when you don't deserve it or haven't requested it?

BeanQuisine · 16/08/2025 14:48

As a UK expat in Australia, I can tell you it's also a very British thing. UK expats here are unhappily accustomed to relatives, however distant, and friends of friends etc, assuming we're all more than happy to put them up for holidays, or their missions to ascertain whether they want to emigrate etc.

Cheeky fuckery knows no national borders or boundaries.

surprisebaby12 · 16/08/2025 14:52

If it weren’t for the paragraph about how horrible they’d been, and they were acquaintances having a hard time, I’d say absolutely go for it. But it doesn’t seem like a relationship you should have in your life.

id say something like

“We can’t offer a place to stay unfortunately but i hope you and the family are well.” Don’t suggest it’s for a fake reason as you could then be making it harder to say no again later on!

Everybodysinthehousetonight · 16/08/2025 15:00

Having a random teenager in your house, fuck that for a joke!

Cluborange666 · 16/08/2025 15:05

I would do it. Why not?

BeanQuisine · 16/08/2025 15:17

Cluborange666 · 16/08/2025 15:05

I would do it. Why not?

Hmm, I can think of potentially countless reasons.

But the obvious one of not wanting to have my home invaded by a stranger, as a "favour" to people I dislike and haven't had contact with for many years, is surely sufficient.

lovescats3 · 16/08/2025 15:33

a hard no

LBFseBrom · 16/08/2025 15:33

If it was just for a few days I'd accommodate him, no problem, but he'd have to find his own way around the city because I couldn't spare the time to take him out. He's grown up, all he needs is a few directions and he'll be fine. You might like him!

I wouldn't hold the woman's early parenthood smugness against her, I came across that a few times, once with a new dad, and it is irritating but it doesn't usually last. That is in the past and I doubt she is smug now. As for her unpleasant husband you are not being asked to accommodate him, he is her problem - and it sounds as though they haven't had much luck.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 16/08/2025 15:34

Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:47

Small industry, that's all.

Show quote history

Well yes sometimes it isn't prying. I work in a fairly small industry, all things considered, and I can probably tell you what everyone I knew in my twenties is doing or not doing right now in terms of work. It isn't because I have looked them up.

It's a small industry everybody knows somebody who knows somebody and you either cross paths again or come across someone who knows them.

MikeRafone · 16/08/2025 15:43

if someone one I disliked asked to come and stay and for me to show them around, it'd be an answer of

thats not convient for me and its not the sort of thing we do.

no sorry no real pleasantries

Horses7 · 16/08/2025 15:52

NOOOOO!
It could be absolutely awful!!
You don’t know what this visitor is like.
Say you’re having building work and every room is out of action.

Horses7 · 16/08/2025 15:53

Everybodysinthehousetonight · 16/08/2025 15:00

Having a random teenager in your house, fuck that for a joke!

That’s what I meant to say 😂

zingally · 16/08/2025 15:53

Personally, I just wouldn't reply. But with the acceptance that it'll definitely be the end of the friendship.

Also, I'd expect the likelihood that their almost-adult "child" actually wanting to spend any time with you, is zero.
I'd compare it to going to hang out with my parents uni mates. I've met them maybe a half-dozen times, have one or two of them on my fb, but to actually go and hang out with them, independent of my parents, would be really fucking weird.
Kid just wants a free holiday, if in fact they actually want to go at all.