Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

[Rallentanda]

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a cheeky fucker she is! NO WAY @Rallentanda

Not the same, but I had an American penpal in the early 1990s (didn't have DC at the time, but was engaged to be married to my now DH,) and we exchanged letters (old fashioned snail mail!) for about 4-5 months, maybe 6 letters each, and we exchanged several telephone calls. She was sooooo totally excited to speak to a Brit!

Anyway, she rang this one day, and said 'guess what hun? I'm coming to the UK for three weeks in 3 months time, so we can finally meet!' ('Finally,' after just 4-5 months of being penpals?!) I said 'oh OK, right, nice one, where are you staying? We will have to arrange to meet up one of the days.' She said 'where am I staying? Where d'ya think sweetie? With you of course, in your 2 bedroom flat, you have a spare bedroom right?' (She was coming with her boyfriend!)

I was blindsided! I said 'well the second room isn't really a bedroom, it's just a 6 X 8 feet cupboard that has the boiler in it, and we have a little washing line in there, and keep stuff in there, there's not even a bed.' She said 'but YOU said it was a 2 bedroom flat!' I said, 'well, I don't remember saying that.' (Maybe I did I don't know, but the fucking cheek of her to think she can book a THREE week trip to England, and stay with me! I had only been writing to her for 4-5 months!)

She said she had been looking forward to being shown around Scotland and Wales and London and The Lake District (I lived in the West Midlands at the time, so NONE of them were nearby.) I said 'that wouldn't have happened anyway, as I wouldn't have got enough time off work or been able to afford all of that.' She said 'very disappointing. See ya.' Then she hung up and never contacted me again. To this day I am convinced that she was just using me (made me her penpal) to have a place to stay, and a chapperone!

tl;dr, a similar thing happened with a penpal from Nigeria. But she didn't tell me she was coming. She just turned up with 2 suitcases at mine and DH's flat (this was about 3 months later,) ready to stay with us. I had been writing to her for about 9 months. Maybe 7 or 8 letters each ... As luck would have it, me and DH had gone to North Wales on a caravan holiday THAT MORNING, about 2 hours before she got there, and were away for 10 days. The only door to the flat was solidly locked up (a big upvc safety door,) with no way in, as it was a second floor flat. So she couldn't gain access through a window.

The neighbour told her that we had just left and wouldn't be back for 10 days. She told me (when I got back) that she looked crestfallen, and asked if she could stay with her. My neighbour said no of course. This penpal stayed outside the flat/in the communal garden all day and overnight too (lay on one of the benches,) just in case my neighbour was lying. Next day she left, and I have no idea where she went/stayed. Again, this penpal never wrote to me again. Just using me. The cheek of turning up without warning though! 😬

This is my view as well. Idc about the friendship because it hasn’t been one for getting on for two decades.

Thanks everyone, it’s good to know we’re not all as misanthropic as I seem to be 😂 but everyone seems to agree there’s zero obligation.

Good GOD what is wrong with people??!

One of our family friends knew a wealthy couple from Chicago who sent their son over to them. He stayed for six weeks and they showed him their area plus took him to London.

They arranged for their daughter to go to Chicago - similar deal - and when she got there, the family expected her to be the au pair 😱 Six weeks of looking after a toddler 😱 She was 14 or 15 😱 absolutely gutting

OMG! the world is full of cheeky fuckers! 😆

Did you know the child? I'd quite like to see some of the kids I remember from when my kids were at playgroup, little kids I remember and see who they are now.

Definitely NBU.

I get that some people do this, but you haven't seen the kid since he was a baby and have very little to do with the parents. All a bit awkward.

A simple 'Sorry, that doesn't work for us' should suffice.

I would personally do it for a couple of days. I wouldn’t take annual leave for it but happy to spend some time in the afternoons or weekend. I don’t need to see or talk constantly to my friends to feel close to them. Many of them I haven’t seen them for years and when we meet up is like we were together yesterday.

As for our house, we don't really have room, but we could make it work with a bit of juggling things around. I think she just assumed we'd have space.

In that case I think you have an easy out. Don't even think of moving anyone, just say,

X is welcome to stay for a couple of nights, but he/she will have to sleep on the sofa as we don't have a spare bedroom.

You may hear no more.

Remember they might be asking because they've done this for others and would be happy to be asked. I know someone who's happy to do this sort of thing.

It's fine to say no, but I can't see the point of getting angry about it.

I’m not sure, I have some friends in America that I’ve not seen for 20 plus years but I’d like to think that my dd would be welcome at their house for a night or two if she was over there.

Id say yes but put a limit on how many nights etc.

No why would you

The more I think about it, OP, the more I think you should say no. Who's to say that the son's holiday won't turn into a rekindling of contact between your family and the Smug/Biting Wits, whether you like it or not. They could be harder to shake off a second time.

Dear Mrs Smug Mummy, No sorry, whatever gave you the idea that we run an Airbnb?

CF’s do it because they’re usually entitled and thick skinned and used to getting their own way. You’re probably not the only people she’s tried to tap up.

It’s quite liberating to tell people like this where to get off.

Oh God, please don't judge all Americans by these folks. No. No. And notachance!

-your local American.

I’m a Brit and don’t find it rude at all. I’d absolutely do this for an old friend. She probably has no idea you hate her 🙄

Well I think it’s entirely down to whether you want to or not, and you’ve said that you don’t, so don’t. You are under no obligation whatsoever to host anyone. I don’t know that I’d think it was massively cheeky, this couple don’t necessarily know that your opinion of them has gone downhill since you were first friends, they may just view you as friends who have drifted away due to life circumstances but still as well disposed towards them as you originally were.

US and I still think your notfriend is a rude piece of work user.

She's not and wasn't a friend. She was an aquaintance You didn't even get on with well. You haven't seen her in years. You have no idea what the kid is like.

I sure wouldn't do this but there are plenty of people who think it's ok to impose their family or friends on people to save them a buck. There's even a term for it in the UK, cheeky fuckers.

Absolutely not.

It’s CF behaviour of the highest order and I wouldn’t reply unless she starts nagging, and then the answer would be a flat no.

Even more reason not to comply.

I think it is part of the American way of life. Because it is such a big country people have spare bedrooms to accommodate people who have driven a long way to see them. I had an American friend who cried to me over FB once Christmas because she did not have any guests coming to stay that Christmas who she could entertain. It was then that I knew we were not compatible. No way would I have entertained her after that as I just don't like people staying in my house with high expectations.

OP your former friend has probably trawled though an old address book and sent pretty much the same email to anyone they think might be prepared to offer accomodation. They won’t be expecting everyone to respond, it’s a fishing exercise , so whatever you decide, answer or not answer, offer accommodation or refuse, is fine.

I’m surprised by most of the responses. I’ve done this for friends of friends and children of friends, no big deal. I wonder why people are so opposed? Is it because OP has been out of touch with the person asking?

Are you in regular contact with these friends?

Of course she isn’t obligated to do it, - especially since she doesn’t like these people:
there’s just no need to be offended/
outraged by the request. I don’t see that is CF behaviour. It’s something I imagine a lot of people would be happy to do / see as normal to do for an old friend. The only error here was these people not realising that OP actually hates them even though they used to be good mates!