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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to be broken into or worse

132 replies

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:46

Apologies for the long post but please help me to understand if I am overreacting as I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight or ever again in this house.

DS (17) has never been able to develop friendships at school and whenever he is placed in a social setting he comes over as much younger than his real age and is so desperate to be liked and to have friends that he does have a habit of over-sharing and trusting people who he probably shouldn't. Over the last 12 months or so, since leaving school, he is spending more and more time on his phone, which has exponentially increased this risk. I am not active on social media, but as an example in just a couple of months he has developed a network of thousands of "friends" on Snapchat largely from adding random people who he has never even spoken to and then blasting them with messages. Some respond and he immediately thinks they are his friends. We have been able to protect him from some obvious trolls and catfishes, but I am worried that he is now putting us and our other DCs at risk.

By way of background, as a family we are comfortably off and we do have quite a big house with a few acres of land in the countryside, about seven miles from the nearest town. However, my DS has no concept of money, and now seems to have convinced himself that we are millionaires with lots of cash to splurge. I don't know if he really believes this or if it is part of his fictional life to make himself more popular with his online "friends". We have explained to him the reality that we studied hard and worked hard and we have been very lucky, but we are really not rich by any means.

Anyhow, tonight my DD (14) came downstairs and said that basically he has been sharing messages via Snapchat and other SM sites with loads of people in the UK and overseas telling them that we are millionaires and how we have this huge mansion full of amazing stuff. The thing that really terrifies me is that when people came back to him online and either did not believe him or asked for more information, he has been sending them the precise location of our house, which is in the middle of nowhere.

DP and I have tried to explain to him how dangerous this is, but he just thinks he is being honest with people and that we should be proud of all our stuff and he really doesn't understand why we are worried.

I do think this is all part of him trying to show off to make friends, but I am now genuinely terrified that some random people that have seen or heard about his online messages are going to pull up outside our home at any minute to help themselves to all this amazing stuff they think is in our house, and god knows what they will do when they find our younger DCs asleep in their beds.

How on earth do I get DS to stop posting these crazy messages, which are already out there and can never be taken back anyway?

So please, tell me, AIBU and this is just a teenager being a bit silly and nothing will happen, or AINBU to be scared for the safety of my family and home and this fear could continue for as long as we live in this house as those messages including our location can never be unseen by any dodgy characters that have seen them?

OP posts:
IfIHadAHeart · 14/08/2025 23:48

Who pays for his phone?

InterestedDad37 · 14/08/2025 23:52

You have to intervene, and in quite a strict manner, I'd say. He's been very immature, and, sorry to say, has presented you with a degree of risk.

Maray1967 · 14/08/2025 23:53

I have a DS17. If mine was doing this I would take his phone off him.

He does not get to insist that it’s fine. He listens to you and accepts that he’s being very irresponsible. Or he loses his phone

StormKevin · 14/08/2025 23:57

I don’t think you are overreacting OP. Underreacting maybe, at least in relation to your response to your son.

Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:58

IfIHadAHeart · 14/08/2025 23:48

Who pays for his phone?

We do, and we do threaten to limit his access to apps if he does not act responsibly, which we did follow through on before he turned 16. However, if we blocked him from Snapchat or any other apps now I don't think he would be able to see this as a reasonable reaction to a behaviour that he sees as something harmless. He views social media as a way to make friends that he has never been able to do before and to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

OP posts:
SummerCanDoOne · 15/08/2025 00:01

You absolutely need to restrict his phone access.

I'd also be seeing if there's a PCSOor someone with expertise in online stuff that can come and have a serious chat with him.

Quite honestly I'd be checking your household security too.

CallingOutRider · 15/08/2025 00:05

I also think you are underreacting. Giving your location out online and telling people you are millionaires is in fact very risky. He might not understand that but it is true. I would remove phone access too - not as punishment but for everyone’s safety.

justforthisnow · 15/08/2025 00:06

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:58

We do, and we do threaten to limit his access to apps if he does not act responsibly, which we did follow through on before he turned 16. However, if we blocked him from Snapchat or any other apps now I don't think he would be able to see this as a reasonable reaction to a behaviour that he sees as something harmless. He views social media as a way to make friends that he has never been able to do before and to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

Show quote history

It's irrelevant at this point how he sees this, as his behaviour has created a risk that now needs drastic measures to mitigate. One of those measures is removal of his phone. Reasonableness left the station a long time ago, he doesnt get to compare your reaction to his risky behaviour in the same framework. He's not forgetting to do his homework or not tidying his room here, he's inviting an entire app cohort to your house potentially.

TheOtherAgentJohnson · 15/08/2025 00:08

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:58

We do, and we do threaten to limit his access to apps if he does not act responsibly, which we did follow through on before he turned 16. However, if we blocked him from Snapchat or any other apps now I don't think he would be able to see this as a reasonable reaction to a behaviour that he sees as something harmless. He views social media as a way to make friends that he has never been able to do before and to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

Show quote history

Fuck's sake. He can't see it as reasonable because he has no clue how to safely use social media or the internet. Is that a good reason to let him carry on?

Rainallnight · 15/08/2025 00:09

justforthisnow · 15/08/2025 00:06

It's irrelevant at this point how he sees this, as his behaviour has created a risk that now needs drastic measures to mitigate. One of those measures is removal of his phone. Reasonableness left the station a long time ago, he doesnt get to compare your reaction to his risky behaviour in the same framework. He's not forgetting to do his homework or not tidying his room here, he's inviting an entire app cohort to your house potentially.

Show quote history

All of this is absolutely correct. The phone needs to be removed for everyone’s safety.

Does he have any SEN? It sounds as though this goes beyond having difficulty making friends.

Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 00:10

Thank you for your comments. To be honest this is what I need to hear to get my head out of the sand.

OP posts:
LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 15/08/2025 00:12

He isn't accepting your concerns / understanding them.
Removing his phone is essential for the security of all. His rights don't over-rule yours in this.

Is there someone else he would respect who could add to your voice?

He needs education!

MiloMinderbinder925 · 15/08/2025 00:12

If he has no common sense you need to either stop his access to these apps or supervise his access since he can't be trusted. Even clued up adults get cat fished and he's a prime target since he's vulnerable and eager to please. There are lots of ways he could be exploited and he's endangering the household.

Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 00:14

Rainallnight · 15/08/2025 00:09

All of this is absolutely correct. The phone needs to be removed for everyone’s safety.

Does he have any SEN? It sounds as though this goes beyond having difficulty making friends.

Show quote history

He has never been diagnosed with any SEN despite us begging for an assessment with the vocal support of our GP and his teachers. However, his teachers have commented that they have ASD kids at school and DS's behaviour is way more extreme and ASD-typical than many of theirs.

OP posts:
PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 15/08/2025 00:15

I'm sorry OP, I know you're concerned about cutting him off from his "friend" network but these people aren't his friends. They're just random people who may not even be nice.
Take the phone away untill he understands how to use it safely.
And install a house alarm.

Rainallnight · 15/08/2025 00:16

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 00:14

He has never been diagnosed with any SEN despite us begging for an assessment with the vocal support of our GP and his teachers. However, his teachers have commented that they have ASD kids at school and DS's behaviour is way more extreme and ASD-typical than many of theirs.

Show quote history

I know it’s not the point of your thread, but I think you should pursue an assessment privately. He sounds like he could be quite vulnerable in the future.

time4anothername · 15/08/2025 00:20

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 00:14

He has never been diagnosed with any SEN despite us begging for an assessment with the vocal support of our GP and his teachers. However, his teachers have commented that they have ASD kids at school and DS's behaviour is way more extreme and ASD-typical than many of theirs.

Show quote history

do you mean he has been refused assessment up until now or that they assessed and did not diagnose anything? He really needs help now as he sounds very vulnerable and you are all at risk from this.

FrazzledHippy · 15/08/2025 00:23

I haven't read the full thread yet but is your son neuro diverse in some way? It seems really shocking that a 17yo has no concept of safety or money if not.

Honestly, I'd take his phone off him. Cancel his contract if you pay for it and reply to as many of the messages as you can saying something like "haha can't believe you fell for that!". I'd also get a ring doorbell, an alarm system and CCTV if you can afford or don't have them already. Double down on security too, double check windows and door locks etc. Don't leave your keys in the back of the door.

Then you need to start drilling into DS what a dangerous thing he's done and make sure he doesn't get his phone back until he's mature enough to have it.

Cherryicecreamx · 15/08/2025 00:24

At the risk of coming across patronising, children know not to give out their address to strangers. This is really alarming behaviour and I'd be taking the phone away for safety measures and try and educate him in the meantime why you are doing it.

MarxistMags · 15/08/2025 00:33

Take away his phone.
Ask police for a safety visit re burglar alarms.
Ask for a community police person to speak to your son regarding on line safety.
Get burglar alarms fitted.

Sunflower8710 · 15/08/2025 00:35

I never normally comment on threads but I must let you know that on Snapchat once you add friends they are able to see your whereabouts on a map on the app. Make sure this setting is off ASAP!

Mooflon12 · 15/08/2025 00:42

I'm a pretty laid back person and don't tend to catastrophize very often but I genuinely think I'd be considering moving house if this was me.

mummybearSW19 · 15/08/2025 00:45

ND kids may be up to 30% delayed in some areas of development.

so you need to act as if he is not 17yo. But say more like 13yo.

you need to encourage real life interactions w kids you approve of.
and take control of the phone. Reduce access to SM. Delete Snapchat.

speak to school. GP. Police. For advice.

And consider a private and urgent ND assessment.

your Child sounds very vulnerable and needs more boundaries and much more support. He cannot be allowed out on his own I’d he is this vulnerable and he shouldn’t be allowed into the far reaches of the web on his own.

best of luck.

cosiname · 15/08/2025 01:33

Not sure if it’s been mentioned upthread but please check that his location is off. It sounds as though he may have his live location being shared.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/08/2025 01:41

Have you ever had him put through an assessment? He comes across as vulnerable and gullible. A bit more than just immaturity.
I'd make him delete the account, he is irresponsible, not ready for SM.