To think we are going to be broken into or worse

[14HoursToSaveTheEarth]

Apologies for the long post but please help me to understand if I am overreacting as I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight or ever again in this house.

DS (17) has never been able to develop friendships at school and whenever he is placed in a social setting he comes over as much younger than his real age and is so desperate to be liked and to have friends that he does have a habit of over-sharing and trusting people who he probably shouldn't. Over the last 12 months or so, since leaving school, he is spending more and more time on his phone, which has exponentially increased this risk. I am not active on social media, but as an example in just a couple of months he has developed a network of thousands of "friends" on Snapchat largely from adding random people who he has never even spoken to and then blasting them with messages. Some respond and he immediately thinks they are his friends. We have been able to protect him from some obvious trolls and catfishes, but I am worried that he is now putting us and our other DCs at risk.

By way of background, as a family we are comfortably off and we do have quite a big house with a few acres of land in the countryside, about seven miles from the nearest town. However, my DS has no concept of money, and now seems to have convinced himself that we are millionaires with lots of cash to splurge. I don't know if he really believes this or if it is part of his fictional life to make himself more popular with his online "friends". We have explained to him the reality that we studied hard and worked hard and we have been very lucky, but we are really not rich by any means.

Anyhow, tonight my DD (14) came downstairs and said that basically he has been sharing messages via Snapchat and other SM sites with loads of people in the UK and overseas telling them that we are millionaires and how we have this huge mansion full of amazing stuff. The thing that really terrifies me is that when people came back to him online and either did not believe him or asked for more information, he has been sending them the precise location of our house, which is in the middle of nowhere.

DP and I have tried to explain to him how dangerous this is, but he just thinks he is being honest with people and that we should be proud of all our stuff and he really doesn't understand why we are worried.

I do think this is all part of him trying to show off to make friends, but I am now genuinely terrified that some random people that have seen or heard about his online messages are going to pull up outside our home at any minute to help themselves to all this amazing stuff they think is in our house, and god knows what they will do when they find our younger DCs asleep in their beds.

How on earth do I get DS to stop posting these crazy messages, which are already out there and can never be taken back anyway?

So please, tell me, AIBU and this is just a teenager being a bit silly and nothing will happen, or AINBU to be scared for the safety of my family and home and this fear could continue for as long as we live in this house as those messages including our location can never be unseen by any dodgy characters that have seen them?

Book an assessment privately, there is no need for the NHS if you can afford it. His assessment will be accepted. Ask GP for a referral.
Most small children learn about stranger danger, they treat the Internet the same as the man with sweets or selling puppies.
Plus you'll have bigger problems if he interacts with younger girls on snap chat or groomers.

From your first post I thought he sounds autistic. You need to do things urgently. Firstly, book him a private assessment asap. I’m unclear why you gave left it so long to do this but perhaps you have good reason. Secondly, get him off the internet. He is exhibiting dangerous behaviour as a vulnerable young adult and you need to protect him (and yourselves). Whether he thinks this is reasonable or not is irrelevant.

You need to remove his phone. and make him understand.

Putting the risk of a break-in aside for a moment, your ds is a making himself a prime candidate for extortion (persuading him to send intimate images, then blackmail).

He will be a target for every romance scammer out there and as a vulnerable adult he is putting himself, personally, at risk.

Removing his phone is the only responsible thing to do.

i can’t quite believe you’ve let it get to this stage without getting him a proper assessment for autism and the support he clearly desperately needs. Insist harder or pay privately.

Goodness OP! You really have got your head in the sand with this one. He is putting himself and all of your family at risk. The online scammers will see him coming a mile off. If they haven’t already. You need to take the phone away. Explain why, because he’s just not getting it. Get another adult/family friend/ relative to have a chat with him if he doesn’t listen to you. He needs to be assessed for ASD and counselling/education to help him understand social cues and how to stop being so gullible. He sounds incredibly vulnerable and it’s horrifying to think what he could be sharing online.

Absolutely confiscate his phone. It's for everyone's protection. This is terribly sad to read, I feel for all involved xx

I would talk to him honestly about this, like an adult but a firm parental adult

Then go through his friend list and remove most of them just keep the ones you know, local ones.

As a starter

Explain, again, people who like you because of what money they think you have are not friends.

Ask him how many others share their houses and ovation on there? Get him to read online material about online safety with you show him it’s not just you nagging it’s important.

Tell him you want him to have contacts and fun but for a while you need to see his messages because he needs to learn these skills still as everyone does.

Op it really doesn’t matter how it is in his eyes. He is incapable of making safe rational decisions . This is where you come in .
It’s went on too long .
Can you also ask the police to have a word with him . ?

Op you need to remove his phone - he’s putting himself and everyone at risk. What next? People ask him for nude photos to prove he’s a 17 year old boy and he sends them?

Op I really think you need push for a diagnosis and support as this is so not normal behaviour or judgment of a 17 year old boy - not even a 13 year old.

Agree

Why on earth does he have free and unsupervised access to social media when he clearly doesn't have the capacity to keep himself safe online?

Your initisl description makes it sound very likely that he is autistic but obviously that's something for a professional diagnosis. However a lot of the services that exist for helping people with neurodiversity issues to learn appropriate interpersonal skills are open to all even without diagnosis so those should be your starting point.

My 16 yo is AuDHD and is very similar to how you describe but their phone is strictly locked down with parental controls and all the settings set as appropriate for a 10 year old, and with all social media blocked, precisely because we know that the maturity that would enable safe and appropriate online activity without such restrictions is still several years away.

Can you impersonate him on snapchat and tell all his 'friends' he's been having a laugh telling all these tall tales? Think of a purpose for the property that involves lots of men living there full time maybe or a load of older male siblings including a policeman or two still living at home.

Agree with a home safety assessment from the police and if they will to have a serious chat with your son. Install a really good alarm system with a link to a reputable security company to keep an eye on things and a panic alarm. Get some geese the best alarm system in the world!

Your son sounds very vulnerable and I agree with previous posts about removing the phone or locking down certain apps.
They sound very trusting and naive, as they believe that people want to be their friend and are using this as a way to make friends.

I also agree to seek diagnosis, there are then lots of groups with young people with SEN that your son could go along to.

Agree with others, no phone.

You unfortunately can’t do anything about what is already out there but you can prevent anything else going out. It doesn’t really matter whether he thinks it’s excessive, YOU know it is essential.

It's sad isn't it? as it's probably his way of making friends (or so he thinks) He is definitely very immature. I hope you can work this out.

I don’t care if he thinks it’s excessive tbh.

if you are in middle of nowhere, I doubt it's convenient for many people to get there.

For someone burglary minded, there must be much better pickings near to their home that don't involve long journeys & reduced time to 'case the joint'. People are literally questioning him because they know people online talk a lot of rubbish. People who tend to burgle are disorganised & dysfunctional else they would have real jobs, they don't have resources to travel far to imaginary places.

No zero risk in life and there's nowt as queer as gullible folk, but I don't think the risk is high of you getting burgled as result of his ... weird brags. The real risk is your son getting scammed by someone out of whatever assets he personally has access to: being persuaded to hand over his bank login details or send cash to strangers, etc.

I would remove his phone and cancel his contract when its due. The family's safety is more important than his "socialising". He doesn't need a phone, generations of people survived just fine without one.he needs to join a local sports club e.g. football/rugby/basketball and socialise that way to make real friends. What he's doing isn't making friends, he is welcoming potential thieves/kidnappers to come to the home. He's living in a fantasy because he thinks people will like him more.

OP have you seen that recent documentary on Netflix about a girl who was having a small party (her 16th possibly I can't remember exactly ) and thousands of people turned up due to the location being advertised on social media. I think it was in The Netherlands, it got way out of hand !

Might be worth a watch.

I would also ban his phone.

How have you let this get to this point? Utter negligence. You’re the parent. He is the child.

I would be more worried about the danger he is putting himself in than the risk of burglary - in that I don't think the risk of burglary will be significantly increased.

You have a large house in the country that's visible to anyone passing, visible on Google maps etc. Potential burglars are likely to assume that a large house in good condition has something in it worth stealing, whether or not someone is boasting about it on social media.

Your son's boasting is probably being taken with a pinch of salt - SM is awash with people trying to appear affluent - and sending a house location means diddly squat - I could send someone the location of a massive house near me (or even not near me) and say I lived there and it was full of diamonds and 24 carat gold - but I don't!

'he just thinks he is being honest with people'

He's only been 'honest' about the location, though, not about the family being millionaires. Would he be open to this being pointed out?

I do feel for all of you. I hope this gets sorted out and that your son finds some real friends.

As a teacher, I was reading your initial post thinking he is on the spectrum. This actually helps you because now you have even more reason to take back YOUR phone YOU let him use (please folks, never 'give' a child a phone - lend them yours, that way you can take it back when needed).
There is a great app called LockMeOut which you can install to block apps and websites, set time limits etc. Add a password which means he cannot override the settings. Once installed, give him back the phone and make it clear that as long as he cannot be trusted to keep your family safe, he will be monitored.
Do you have home security? If not, put some CCTV up inside the hallways and outside, it will show him how worried you are about home security.

He needs an assessment, urgently, he’s probably missed out on resources and assistance in education that could have helped him. Quite astonished that he’s not been assessed before.

His lack of critical thinking and absolute naivety is shocking here.

Secondly, I’d log this with police and make them aware, to see if a flag could be put on a property in case of anything happening. I’d highly doubt they’d have the resource, but a copper having a chat with him might just stop him.

If all else fails, take him bloody phone away! Parent him!

I second this. - potentially some form of SEND at play here. He seems particularly vulnerable and/or naive and not really ready to use social media yet. Also seems to have a very fixed mindset about what he perceives to be right and wrong and unable to distinguish between “friends” and random strangers on the internet. Quite worrying for his safety.

I agree with removing his devices for now. Best of luck OP.