To think we are going to be broken into or worse

[14HoursToSaveTheEarth]

Apologies for the long post but please help me to understand if I am overreacting as I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight or ever again in this house.

DS (17) has never been able to develop friendships at school and whenever he is placed in a social setting he comes over as much younger than his real age and is so desperate to be liked and to have friends that he does have a habit of over-sharing and trusting people who he probably shouldn't. Over the last 12 months or so, since leaving school, he is spending more and more time on his phone, which has exponentially increased this risk. I am not active on social media, but as an example in just a couple of months he has developed a network of thousands of "friends" on Snapchat largely from adding random people who he has never even spoken to and then blasting them with messages. Some respond and he immediately thinks they are his friends. We have been able to protect him from some obvious trolls and catfishes, but I am worried that he is now putting us and our other DCs at risk.

By way of background, as a family we are comfortably off and we do have quite a big house with a few acres of land in the countryside, about seven miles from the nearest town. However, my DS has no concept of money, and now seems to have convinced himself that we are millionaires with lots of cash to splurge. I don't know if he really believes this or if it is part of his fictional life to make himself more popular with his online "friends". We have explained to him the reality that we studied hard and worked hard and we have been very lucky, but we are really not rich by any means.

Anyhow, tonight my DD (14) came downstairs and said that basically he has been sharing messages via Snapchat and other SM sites with loads of people in the UK and overseas telling them that we are millionaires and how we have this huge mansion full of amazing stuff. The thing that really terrifies me is that when people came back to him online and either did not believe him or asked for more information, he has been sending them the precise location of our house, which is in the middle of nowhere.

DP and I have tried to explain to him how dangerous this is, but he just thinks he is being honest with people and that we should be proud of all our stuff and he really doesn't understand why we are worried.

I do think this is all part of him trying to show off to make friends, but I am now genuinely terrified that some random people that have seen or heard about his online messages are going to pull up outside our home at any minute to help themselves to all this amazing stuff they think is in our house, and god knows what they will do when they find our younger DCs asleep in their beds.

How on earth do I get DS to stop posting these crazy messages, which are already out there and can never be taken back anyway?

So please, tell me, AIBU and this is just a teenager being a bit silly and nothing will happen, or AINBU to be scared for the safety of my family and home and this fear could continue for as long as we live in this house as those messages including our location can never be unseen by any dodgy characters that have seen them?

These comments are really helpful because we know he is autistic or similar but we’ve never been able to get those in power to assess him and give him that diagnosis.

He has zero risk assessment. His 16 year old sister when they go out says she is amazed that he has never been beaten up given the comments he makes about people within their earshot.

We have tried to educate him about life and risk but he thinks he knows everything which is so far from the truth. I am terrified that in future he will be set up to take drugs through customs or similar as it would never occur to him to say no, no matter what we say.

He also gets physically violent and starts smashing things in the house if anything doesn’t go his way. His dad can stop him if he starts threatening his siblings, but that doesn’t stop him smashing something on his way out. Arguing with him never gets anywhere because he doesn’t get the issue so it just turns into him shouting at length.

i know it is easy for most parents with reasonably normal kids to say “be the parent” or “impose boundaries”, but when that ends with everything he can get his hands on smashed with no progress on whatever the issue in question is, it just becomes exhausting.

He needs professional help. Forget the powers that be. Arrange it privately.

How have you gone this long just leaving things as they are and not getting professional help?

Go private if you have to.

He needs to be given the tools to help him live his life.

You need to get him privately assessed. It is not fair on all of you living like this.

Look at getting monitored alarm with a panic button, cctv, but to be honest I would be more worried about your son being blackmailed into sending nudes etc.

Whatever the reasons for your son’s behaviour- a diagnosable medical condition, or thoughtlessness, or selfishness- his behaviour isn’t safe or acceptable, and you as parents need to do something about it instead of pandering and making empty threats.

You also need to protect your other children. They shouldn’t be facing threats of violence in their own home.

Absolutely take the phone away and block him on Snapchat.

Are you spelling it out for him? Showing him that people will use this information to then target houses to break into? There are plenty of police education videos that share tips on this you could show him?

If he has been sheltered from the reality of the world as you don’t want to scare him, then it’s no wonder he doesn’t realise.

And yes, if he is rude about people in earshot, he will provoke an attack. That needs cutting out straight away.

We’ve spoken to specialists within our county council when he was excluded from a previous school, we’ve spoken to CAMHS, we’ve spoken to our GP; we’ve spoken to his last school. They haven’t been able to provide us with anything. We have been left totally alone.

Private.

What is he doing at the moment? As he’s under 18 he is required to be in education, employement, or training.

A private assessment is around £3.5k. While you’re not millionaires it sounds like this is within your reach. We recently made financial scarifies for this. The alternative is you ask the GP for a right to choose referal.

I would seriously be looking at some security if you can afford it. Security shutters on windows and doors for instance. Unfortunately your son has compromised your safety and I would be delving deeply in to what measures I can take.

I don't understand why more parents won't take the private route when they can afford it, the school may refuse and NHS.

I'd sell sticks for the money as without intervention it gets worse, poor lad, so isolated from the real world.

OP just to address your concerns, I don't think you have to worry about a break in, many children on YouTube are absolute minted and show everything that they own.

Deal with his emotional issues first.

They're all trying to save money. Basing his needs against others, the other children aren't your problem, all the children are their problem, they have to choose the most in need.
Google assessments, get a GP referral.
It doesn't have to be a multidisciplinary assessment, start with a psychologist assessment, they'll advise you further.

He was on a post-16 training course but he was permanently excluded from that in February.

We are looking at options that begin in September but until then he is at home. The council couldn’t come up with any replacement options starting sooner than that.

Why was he permanently excluded? If its due to behaviour linked to his likely ASD, I'd make sure wherever he goes next you get accommodations for his ASD even without diagnosis they should put them in place to support him and reduce the chance of another exclusion. If you can go private through right to choose after an initial GP visit is what I'd try to do.

@EmeraldShamrock000 Basing his needs against others, the other children aren't your problem, all the children are their problem, they have to choose the most in need.

This is the thing we find most frustrating. He probably hasn’t been prioritised because we have worked so hard and sacrificed our other children to give him as much support as we can. DH and I have commented before that if we had let his behaviour deteriorate until he burned the school down then he would have got help, but because we didn’t we were left to cope.

Get him assessed privately! As soon as you can.

If you’re well-off, can’t you get him a private diagnosis?

I would also remove the phone - the fact that you say “he would feel this is excessive” is very telling. It’s not his call to make if he’s putting you all at risk. You’re the parent and you make the judgement.

Have you contacted the police? Sorry if I’ve missed an update. I definitely would, just to log it in case anything happens and you need them to come out quickly and be aware of the situation.

Immediate steps:

Take his phone.
Get a security system up with cameras and alarms.
Check doors and windows are strong and locks are anti-snap.
Call for a PCSO to come and speak to him about the risks of his actions.

Longer term:

Push as far as you can while he is still under 18 or in education for an assessment. Go privately if you need.
Look at strategies for instilling risk awareness in people with autism and autism parenting techniques.

We didn’t get a detailed explanation (he probably did) but my impression was that he was being belligerent and getting into arguments. I heard examples of days when other trainees had tried to tell him what he needed to do (in order to be helpful) and he reacted badly as they “can’t tell me what to do”. I’m sure his language to them was much stronger.

No offence @14HoursToSaveTheEarth but I can’t believe incredibly indifferent and disinterested you are in what’s going on with your son.

Some excellent advice here OP re removing phobe/ SM access for now, ASD assessment etc so I won't repeat what others have said, but in addition I think you need to apply for an EHCP ASAP if he does 't already have one (this goes up to age 25 so not finishing when he turns 18), and talk with him about how you can help him to fulfill that need to make friends. Taking the phone away and getting a diagnosis will not take away that strong need for connection and he will keep looking for it in risky ways if he doesn't know how to do so in a safe way. He may find it easier to click with other neurodivergent people. Does he have any hobbies or interests that he could attend a group for? You might have to consider shadowing him at the group to support. If he gets a diagnosis, check your local offer as there could be groups for young people with SEN to provide more scaffolding if needed for social activities.

You know now, so you can fix it.
Many DC get lost in the system.
My 16 y.o is okay with school, she's in a special education class, a few teenagers have opted for youth reach type training over the leaving certificate/A levels equivalent.
My DD attends a youth café I was worried at first, they're are like-minded with mad hair colours.
I'd look for alternative training and education.
He hasn't settled in mainstream.
A private assessment will guarantee him EHCP. Double check with the Council’s when you book a psychologist assessment.

Ask for a detailed explanation then, I'd email the school and ask for a meeting, and also explain your concerns regarding his likely ASD. Even though it's unlikely to get him back in, it will be good for you to have a detailed explanation of exactly what behaviour has led to this point, with pastoral and a member of SLT is who'd I'd be looking to speak with. Surely for a permanent exclusion you had a meeting with teachers and governors as well?