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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to be broken into or worse

132 replies

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:46

Apologies for the long post but please help me to understand if I am overreacting as I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight or ever again in this house.

DS (17) has never been able to develop friendships at school and whenever he is placed in a social setting he comes over as much younger than his real age and is so desperate to be liked and to have friends that he does have a habit of over-sharing and trusting people who he probably shouldn't. Over the last 12 months or so, since leaving school, he is spending more and more time on his phone, which has exponentially increased this risk. I am not active on social media, but as an example in just a couple of months he has developed a network of thousands of "friends" on Snapchat largely from adding random people who he has never even spoken to and then blasting them with messages. Some respond and he immediately thinks they are his friends. We have been able to protect him from some obvious trolls and catfishes, but I am worried that he is now putting us and our other DCs at risk.

By way of background, as a family we are comfortably off and we do have quite a big house with a few acres of land in the countryside, about seven miles from the nearest town. However, my DS has no concept of money, and now seems to have convinced himself that we are millionaires with lots of cash to splurge. I don't know if he really believes this or if it is part of his fictional life to make himself more popular with his online "friends". We have explained to him the reality that we studied hard and worked hard and we have been very lucky, but we are really not rich by any means.

Anyhow, tonight my DD (14) came downstairs and said that basically he has been sharing messages via Snapchat and other SM sites with loads of people in the UK and overseas telling them that we are millionaires and how we have this huge mansion full of amazing stuff. The thing that really terrifies me is that when people came back to him online and either did not believe him or asked for more information, he has been sending them the precise location of our house, which is in the middle of nowhere.

DP and I have tried to explain to him how dangerous this is, but he just thinks he is being honest with people and that we should be proud of all our stuff and he really doesn't understand why we are worried.

I do think this is all part of him trying to show off to make friends, but I am now genuinely terrified that some random people that have seen or heard about his online messages are going to pull up outside our home at any minute to help themselves to all this amazing stuff they think is in our house, and god knows what they will do when they find our younger DCs asleep in their beds.

How on earth do I get DS to stop posting these crazy messages, which are already out there and can never be taken back anyway?

So please, tell me, AIBU and this is just a teenager being a bit silly and nothing will happen, or AINBU to be scared for the safety of my family and home and this fear could continue for as long as we live in this house as those messages including our location can never be unseen by any dodgy characters that have seen them?

OP posts:
TheLivelyViper · 15/08/2025 08:52

I doubt the police would intervene, but its clear he doesn't understand the impact of what he's doing or parasocial relationshipa and he clearly seems to have ASD and whilst that presents differently and some teens with ASD function at a level for their age others don't and won't understand the danger of something like that. Someone online could easily manipulate him because he's very naive about other people, I would taking him to the GP and also emailing all of his old teachers in the summer and asking them to do any forms or write even a couple of paragraphs on their observations and experiences of him to strengthen any assesment process and then you can collate them. I'd email the schools SENCO and his HOY (especially if they were the same person for a while), they'll still have his school file, you can do an SAR request if you want anything specific or any notes on his record and then you can ask them do fill anything in, after speaking to the GP to see what they'll need.

Mytyfy · 15/08/2025 08:53

Sorry if this sounds harsh but he is 17(!) and sounds like he is completely detached from real life and severely lacks life experience.
Can we just skip the usual ND excuses and focus on him acting in an absolutely self centred fashion? He is clearly not interested in your and your family’s concerns because he has dismissed them, so I’m not sure what you think it will achieve if you try to make him worried for his younger siblings.
The only thing that would get through to him is if you tell him that he’d lose all respect and admiration once people realise that he has been lying, and that his lies can be exposed as easily as someone driving by the house. I actually can’t believe that you are not absolutely fuming at his selfishness and stupidity and that you have been so passive.

LizzieBananas · 15/08/2025 08:55

I still remember the bollocking I got for revealing my village and my first name on a forum profile page (I was probably in about Y9).

At least I was able to completely delete that post from that website, you can’t delete from people’s heads.

SomewhatDissatisfied · 15/08/2025 08:56

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:58

We do, and we do threaten to limit his access to apps if he does not act responsibly, which we did follow through on before he turned 16. However, if we blocked him from Snapchat or any other apps now I don't think he would be able to see this as a reasonable reaction to a behaviour that he sees as something harmless. He views social media as a way to make friends that he has never been able to do before and to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

Show quote history

So what if he doesn't see it as reasonable? Who's the adult here?

DaisyChain505 · 15/08/2025 09:05

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:58

We do, and we do threaten to limit his access to apps if he does not act responsibly, which we did follow through on before he turned 16. However, if we blocked him from Snapchat or any other apps now I don't think he would be able to see this as a reasonable reaction to a behaviour that he sees as something harmless. He views social media as a way to make friends that he has never been able to do before and to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

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It doesn’t matter how he views your actions. You are the parent and the responsible adult. Stop tip toeing around your son because you’re scared to upset him and be a parent.

You should have full parental control over his phone. He should know that you can look at it any time you deem necessary. No phones in bedrooms rule.

You should be sitting down and watching Internet safety videos together and discussing them.

You should be getting him out into the real world and helping him socialise by taking him to group events and clubs.

Do more.

Beammeupscotty2025 · 15/08/2025 09:10

Sell and move asap. You are all vulnerable now.

cc99xo · 15/08/2025 09:12

This is incredibly immature for a 17 year old. He should 100% have the common sense to know better at his age. This

Mytyfy · 15/08/2025 09:14

Beammeupscotty2025 · 15/08/2025 09:10

Sell and move asap. You are all vulnerable now.

Nonsense. Upgrade security for sure but moving won’t achieve one bit if the spoiled prince doesn’t understand what he does and he will create the same situation again.

icouldholditwithacobweb · 15/08/2025 09:14

His phone would be gone and the internet passcode would be changed and there is no way I would be allowing this to continue for one more second after you had discovered what he's been doing.

It doesn't matter if he may think he's making friends; YOU know he isn't and you are the parent here. It's literally your job to protect him and your other children, even if that means protecting him from himself - which is what needs to happen right now.

It doesn't matter if he has a formal diagnosis or not, if you know (strongly suspect) he has ASD treat him as such and take whatever steps you need to take and make whatever adjustments you need to make to enable him to be safe online and to make real life friends.

BIossomtoes · 15/08/2025 09:15

to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

Tough. Actions have consequences. He clearly lacks the maturity to use social media.

HerecomesMargo · 15/08/2025 09:21

He’s 17yo, yet you speak of him like he’s 8 and doesn’t understand the world. Knock some sense into his bloody head.
tell him that he desperately wants friends and putting your family in danger. Take his phone off him! What are you dithering over?

Tell him in plain and clear terms how much danger he has caused. Why are you tip toeing around him and why does he still have his phone?

HerecomesMargo · 15/08/2025 09:22

cc99xo · 15/08/2025 09:12

This is incredibly immature for a 17 year old. He should 100% have the common sense to know better at his age. This

Exactly and the op still has allowed him his phone!
She wants to be his friend more than his parent

BlankTimes · 15/08/2025 10:10

Come on OP. You are not dealing with an NT 17 year old who you would expect would never have divulged that information to anyone.
You are not dealing with an NT 17 year old who can see the consequences of his own actions.

You are dealing with an emotionally very immature young boy around 12 to 13 years old in a bigger boy's body.

With immediate effect, you need to parent him as you would parent a ND 12/13 year old.
If you haven't already removed his phone, do it now. It doesn't matter if he's miffed, he is not emotionally mature enough to understand the implications of his actions.

You need to be absolutely on top of his actions, does he have a spare phone or siblings' who he could access, if so remove those too.

It's imperative that you understand that he is not just a bit scatty, doesn't relate to peers well, any other excuse you have used for years to minimise his behaviour, etc. He has a definite processing problem which leads to his emotional immaturity and you need to take action immediately, starting with removing his phone and Internet access on all devices until he is mature enough to understand online behaviour.

It's not easy, but you have to parent him now.

ProudCat · 15/08/2025 10:33

My son (who's in his 30s) is disabled and has significant learning difficulties. I myself am autistic. Your son is displaying a form of behaviour that's way off the charts. I don't think you're simply talking about ASD here.

I strongly suggest you immediately contact a private psychiatrist and get him assessed.

MasterBeth · 15/08/2025 10:36

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:58

We do, and we do threaten to limit his access to apps if he does not act responsibly, which we did follow through on before he turned 16. However, if we blocked him from Snapchat or any other apps now I don't think he would be able to see this as a reasonable reaction to a behaviour that he sees as something harmless. He views social media as a way to make friends that he has never been able to do before and to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

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It doesn't matter what your son thinks is a reasonable reaction.

What do you think is a reasonable reaction?

Stompythedinosaur · 15/08/2025 10:40

I agree with pps. He can't manage internet access safely, so you have to restrict or supervise this. Of course he won't be happy, but he's putting your whole family at risk.

I definitely think it's probably worth considering whether autism or a cognitive difficulty could be a factor here as this seems very unusual for a 17yo to not be able to understand the risk.

MasterBeth · 15/08/2025 10:41

Beammeupscotty2025 · 15/08/2025 09:10

Sell and move asap. You are all vulnerable now.

No, they're not.

I could go online and find a hundred big houses in the country in the next couple of hours that are, no doubt, filled with valuables.

Locutus2000 · 15/08/2025 10:41

The kid will only be repeating what he has heard adults say.

EasternStandard · 15/08/2025 11:13

MasterBeth · 15/08/2025 10:41

No, they're not.

I could go online and find a hundred big houses in the country in the next couple of hours that are, no doubt, filled with valuables.

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True

BIossomtoes · 15/08/2025 11:19

Locutus2000 · 15/08/2025 10:41

The kid will only be repeating what he has heard adults say.

Don’t be ridiculous. Kids invent all sorts of shit. Imaginary friends are very common.

RowanRed90 · 15/08/2025 11:24

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:58

We do, and we do threaten to limit his access to apps if he does not act responsibly, which we did follow through on before he turned 16. However, if we blocked him from Snapchat or any other apps now I don't think he would be able to see this as a reasonable reaction to a behaviour that he sees as something harmless. He views social media as a way to make friends that he has never been able to do before and to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

Show quote history

They're not friends though are they? He needs opportunities to make friends IRL or at least develop his social skills and wise up frankly, he sounds dangerously naive.

Perhaps a job?

Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 11:38

time4anothername · 15/08/2025 00:20

do you mean he has been refused assessment up until now or that they assessed and did not diagnose anything? He really needs help now as he sounds very vulnerable and you are all at risk from this.

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We have always been refused an assessment because he doesn’t meet the criteria, even though we have had letters from his GP and teachers. Apparently his behaviour is not bad enough, though I think that is because we have managed him so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 11:39

Locutus2000 · 15/08/2025 10:41

The kid will only be repeating what he has heard adults say.

Well I’ve never heard any adult say that about us.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 15/08/2025 11:40

Rainallnight · 15/08/2025 00:09

All of this is absolutely correct. The phone needs to be removed for everyone’s safety.

Does he have any SEN? It sounds as though this goes beyond having difficulty making friends.

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This. Has he ever been assessed?

Growlybear83 · 15/08/2025 11:44

I can’t believe that you didn’t remove your son’s phone as soon as this came to light. How is he managing outside the home? You said he has left school so presumably he’s in some sort of training or employment as he’s under 18?

If this was me, I would be feeling very vulnerable and if you haven’t already got a security system, I would get one installed immediately, together with CCTV.