To think we are going to be broken into or worse

[14HoursToSaveTheEarth]

Apologies for the long post but please help me to understand if I am overreacting as I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight or ever again in this house.

DS (17) has never been able to develop friendships at school and whenever he is placed in a social setting he comes over as much younger than his real age and is so desperate to be liked and to have friends that he does have a habit of over-sharing and trusting people who he probably shouldn't. Over the last 12 months or so, since leaving school, he is spending more and more time on his phone, which has exponentially increased this risk. I am not active on social media, but as an example in just a couple of months he has developed a network of thousands of "friends" on Snapchat largely from adding random people who he has never even spoken to and then blasting them with messages. Some respond and he immediately thinks they are his friends. We have been able to protect him from some obvious trolls and catfishes, but I am worried that he is now putting us and our other DCs at risk.

By way of background, as a family we are comfortably off and we do have quite a big house with a few acres of land in the countryside, about seven miles from the nearest town. However, my DS has no concept of money, and now seems to have convinced himself that we are millionaires with lots of cash to splurge. I don't know if he really believes this or if it is part of his fictional life to make himself more popular with his online "friends". We have explained to him the reality that we studied hard and worked hard and we have been very lucky, but we are really not rich by any means.

Anyhow, tonight my DD (14) came downstairs and said that basically he has been sharing messages via Snapchat and other SM sites with loads of people in the UK and overseas telling them that we are millionaires and how we have this huge mansion full of amazing stuff. The thing that really terrifies me is that when people came back to him online and either did not believe him or asked for more information, he has been sending them the precise location of our house, which is in the middle of nowhere.

DP and I have tried to explain to him how dangerous this is, but he just thinks he is being honest with people and that we should be proud of all our stuff and he really doesn't understand why we are worried.

I do think this is all part of him trying to show off to make friends, but I am now genuinely terrified that some random people that have seen or heard about his online messages are going to pull up outside our home at any minute to help themselves to all this amazing stuff they think is in our house, and god knows what they will do when they find our younger DCs asleep in their beds.

How on earth do I get DS to stop posting these crazy messages, which are already out there and can never be taken back anyway?

So please, tell me, AIBU and this is just a teenager being a bit silly and nothing will happen, or AINBU to be scared for the safety of my family and home and this fear could continue for as long as we live in this house as those messages including our location can never be unseen by any dodgy characters that have seen them?

You don't need him to see it as reasonable; you need to tell him how things are going to be while he's under your roof. You don't need his agreement or permission. Take the phone for a week or two, then tell him he only gets it back if he assures you these kinds of posts are going to stop, and if it happens again he'll be losing it again, and stick to your word. All you're doing is teaching him the accepted "rules" of social media, such as "don't post other people's personal stuff without their consent". Which are the same for adults. If he makes RL friends, he needs to know he can't post pics of the inside of their homes without their permission, and nor can he just brush off their objections to his behaviour by saying that he thinks it's fine so case closed. It won't help him in the long term to teach him that societal restrictions on his behaviour only apply if he agrees with them.

Set the rules, stick to them, and let him "see it" how he chooses. His thoughts are his own; but in this case, you are entitled to put a stop to the behaviour.

I’m afraid it sounds like the time to ask others to intervene has now passed and so you’re going to have to take to bull by the horns, especially as he’s now out of education. Use these next few months to put some plans into action. You need to intervene asap.

First, speak to contacts/friends/your GP to get recommendations for a child psychologist. There’s clearly something going on here and you can’t help your son if you don’t know what it is. They’ll be able to carry out an initial assessment and arrange for the second opinion needed for an SEN diagnosis. You’ll have to pay for this privately if you want anything to happen within six months. From there, you can look at an EHCP.

The psychologist may also be able to work with your son to help him understand himself better and link behaviour to consequences. They can talk through strategies for managing big feelings and help with self-esteem.

Good luck OP - this is so much more than just online behaviour issues, but with the right support you can all start to build a better future for your son.

Yup, time to act is now. Pay for a private assessment asap, as suggested above. You need to know what you are dealing with so you can better support your son going forward. He’s going to end up in trouble of some sort sooner rather than later if you dont. You need to protect your other children now, given what’s he’s up to on social media. Ring door bell, house alarm, etc. And yes, I hope it’s obvious now his phone needs to go until he can be helped to understand how to use it safely. So sorry op, this must be really tough, but you can take action now to start too sort things.

So your son was permanently excluded and you didn’t think to ask for a detailed explanation and to meet with the head teacher before he had to leave?

It sounds like you’ve buried your head about things for a long time. It’s time to pull your head out and go down the private route.

Endangering the family is seen as a reasonable price to pay for friends in his eyes so I'm not sure his judgement should be your guide regarding what is appropriate for you to do to stop him. Take his smart phone off him and get him a dumb phone.

Unless you're in London you should be able to get a decent comprehensive assessment for less than this.

Ne Very clear What you want... I guess a combination of assessment, diagnosis and then a package of ongoing support involving his GP (obvs this will cost more than just an assessment). I'd approach the BPS and ask for clinical psychologists expert in ASD assessment.

This is shocking, OP. I wonder if it might be easier when he's 18 and comes under adult services?

I was able to get an autism assessment really easily: I went through a questionnaire with my GP, was referred to Right To Choose, and got my assessment a year later. My friend waited 6 years for an assessment for her son, she was gobsmacked that I got mine so quickly.

He is being very irresponsible and immature. My DS17 has known for a good few years that he must not do this. You need to take his phone off him until he has the maturity to use it sensibly.

You’ve got some good advice here re getting your son a diagnosis. In the meantime, could you post on his social media accounts and say something like “My 12 year old son has been leading you all on with a fantasy life, sorry. We don’t even live in X, and are certainly not millionaires! He’s having his internet privileges revoked!”

And he can open some new accounts when he’s got more awareness of internet safety?

Most people probably don’t believe him, but you never know!

As others have said, remove his internet access full stop. He’s obviously a huge liability otherwise. It’s probably worth explaining what an absolute show off he’s going to be perceived as and how he will likely be disliked for this, particularly to those less fortunate then him.

OP you've got money by the sounds of it, for gods sake get him privately assessed for ASD. Once you have him privately assessed it will probably be easier to insist on an NHS assessment. Also and ECHP. He needs help, he sounds very vulnerable.

How was he permanently excluded without your involvement? Mama Bear mode needs to be activitated.

This is a child in distress. He needs you to know absolutely everything and you need to act to put in the scaffolding - ie the boundaries and support - he needs to be the best that he can be.

do not be ambivalent. FIGHT. Ffs woman. You are his mother. Help him. No one else will. he is vulnerable. He needs you.

How was he permanently excluded without your involvement? Mama Bear mode needs to be activitated.

This is a child in distress. He needs you to know absolutely everything and you need to act to put in the scaffolding - ie the boundaries and support - he needs to be the best that he can be.

do not be ambivalent. FIGHT. Ffs woman. You are his mother. Help him. No one else will. he is vulnerable. He needs you.

How was he permanently excluded without your involvement? Mama Bear mode needs to be activitated.

This is a child in distress. He needs you to know absolutely everything and you need to act to put in the scaffolding - ie the boundaries and support - he needs to be the best that he can be.

do not be ambivalent. FIGHT. Ffs woman. You are his mother. Help him. No one else will. he is vulnerable. He needs you.

Remove the phone completely. Get your daughter to help with removing Snapchat from it anyway, and anything else that has location sharing. He sounds very typical of someone with autism, pursue a private diagnosis if you can. He needs lots of support and help in understanding the social motivations of others. It’s a shame he’s got to this age and stage with no real understanding of his needs. But, take the phone away, I know it’s harsh but the risks are real.

@mummybearSW19 : How was he permanently excluded without your involvement?

Because he was not at a school, he was on a private training course for a trade that he wanted to do. He received warnings that he never told us about, he told us everything was fine except some of the other trainees were annoying, and the first thing we heard was after he was already excluded from the course. Maybe I should have said thrown off rather than excluded.

My four DCs are adopted and three of them have been permanently excluded from a total of six schools (actual schools so not including this incident). I have always fought for their side and that number would be much higher than six if it hadn't been for me and DH being activated.

But I am taking note of the advice on this thread.

@PoppySaidYesIKnow : It’s a shame he’s got to this age and stage with no real understanding of his needs.

But I think there has always been an understanding of his needs. As an adopted child we have had many meetings with social workers over the years to discuss his needs, together with his teachers and other professionals. They understand his needs (or at least that he has always had them), there is just no money.

As he's adopted, I know that there is foetal alcohol spectrum disorder that is common in LAC. Often very similar issues to ASD.

“One study showed that in Peterborough as many as 75% of the children available for adoption were exposed to alcohol in the womb."

Surely, on a very basic level, there’s also a level of risk of him being in touch with someone younger and that potentially ‘developing’ into something he doesn’t realise is a real risk if he feels liked? Sorry, that’s not to scare you but genuinely I really think for his own safety his phone needs to be coming off him until you can get an assessment arranged and the support he needs in place.

Please take the phone away, he seems very vulnerable and if he is easily tricked into revealing his location etc, who knows what else he is willing to do or share. It’s for his safety and yours.

It's extremely unlikely that someone would travel to rob your house.

Unless you've got works of art, a Rolex collection, a safe full of diamonds etc, burglars are generally sticking to their local area. And some random scroats from Snapchat aren't plotting diamond robberies.

What I would be worried about is him inviting one/some of these 'friends' to your house, or planning a party to impress them while you're away. That could end badly.

It sounds like your son is extremely naive/immature. He needs a serious lesson on online safety, and his access restricting. It doesn't matter if he thinks it's reasonable or not. When he's paying for his own house/phone/internet, he can make his own rules. While his living with you, he plays by yours.

Go and learn how to string a coherent sentence, before judging others!

Yep, this is a risk.
Whenever I see one of the pedophile hunter stings, most of time the perpetrator is usually a vulnerable adult.
Not excusing it, it is dangerous to interact without the sense for social etiquette

https://www.breckfoundation.org/Online Safety | Breck Foundation

I am sorry you are getting some rude responses on here. You could show him these resources or talk to this charity for help with the online safety angle. Breck was a teenager who trusted the wrong person online and was murdered. His family set up this charity to help young people learn about the risks of online spaces and to share Breck’s story.