To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

Have you always felt like this, or is this more of a recent thing? It does sound rather unusual. How do you feel about other things in your life? Do you feel low, frustrated, apathetic, stressed, or do you feel joy and enthusiasm about life? You're obviously aware enough to feel concerned about feeling this way.

Psalm 14.3: there is none who do good, no, not one.

We all fall short of God's glory. Some of the most pious, "do-gooder" type folk could be burying the most wickedness in their hearts. The thing is, we can't see motives. God does and sees the heart and judges according.

If not stopping at crossings is a sign of a sociopath, there's something seriously wrong in my town....

Nobody is perfect, but yes, you are a bit shit and you know it.

I feel like this too much of the time, but different examples- I feel very strongly about kindness to animals and your treading on a snail thing would /does upset me. But most people, not too bothered.

I feel like I’ve learned what is socially acceptable and put on the correct act. So most people wouldn’t know unless they’ve known me very well for a long time.

I’m probably the complete opposite of you, I almost cried thinking of a snail wing stood on there, however, many people I know are pretty manipulative, self serving and
/or pretty fake when I get to know them for long enough so I find you very bloody refreshing and quite likeable to be honest!

To me you sound rather detached from everyday life. You quietly continue to be low key selfish in an unobtrusive way so, fine. From your answers to other comments, and your full awareness of this trait, it seems you still do the right/polite thing when being observed. And generally that is all people care about. So you’re good, aren’t you..? If this actually really bothered you, you’d make more of an effort to be engaging/ed. Or do you simply not have the energy? That throws up lots of other questions, about your fitness and nutrition levels, especially if you’ve had a baby. I really hope you can come through this. It just sounds very isolating to me.

Hi OP, you’ve not posted in a while so not sure if you’re still reading replies. But here is my tuppence if you are! Honestly I think in truth no one can say they’ve always done the right thing or never behaved in an inconsiderate or uncaring way, especially when in a rush or stressed out. No one is perfect and it’s hard to have empathy when you’re burnt out - you mention a baby and a difficult job, could this be the case for you?

Pressure can make people behave v strangely and out of character. Being pushed beyond our reasonable limits can damage our mental and emotional health so try and take a few days and just quietly take stock to see what has changed or even accumulated in your world that might have had/be having a damaging impact. It’s not exactly the same, but I had a traumatic birth and suffered a dissociative episode soon after in hospital when my reality altered for several days and was frightening, it was induced by trauma, blood loss and sleep deprivation. I think in a much lesser extent people can dissociate when they are under strain (either intensive short periods or for long periods of time with chronic strain/stress) like a survival mode and sort of shut out the wider world. It sounds like you used to be more caring and the changes you describe are not your ‘normal’. Being aware of it and not happy about it is a positive sign and getting some therapy sounds like it would be a good idea.

It’s not easy to admit you have problems with empathy disconnect. There will be a reason and a good counsellor will help you unpick it and move forwards. The majority of replies on here will be chiding (as you probably guessed they would) but you cared enough to post and take all the keyboard lashing so I hope you feel brave enough to take some steps to get some help IRL.
Sorry if this sounds trite, but try practicing kindness with yourself first. A lack of self worth can be masked behind empathy issues, if you can value yourself more it’s easier to value those around you, even randoms on MN trying to help 😊

I think the fact you’ve started this thread is a good sign OP

Attention seeking

Normal behaviour of 95% of citizens

You actually sound like you’re really depressed and shut down.
I saw you plan to start therapy, and I hope you get to start soon
you can start to work on it yourself in the meantime

Exactly this. I would 100% pull up some selfish cow barging past a wheelchair user into the disabled bathroom and as much as OP is clearly proud of her "dont give a shit about anyone" ways, you can be sure if someone challenged her she would absolutely back down.

Hopefully the OPs child has other family members and future teachers who will show them not to be such a twat. Because OP wont.

Edited for spelling

This, definitely!

Yes she could come across like she's selfish due to making self fulfilling choices, as a result from some previous deep wounding experiences she's suffered earlier on in her life 😢🙏

You sound emotionally immature and selfish person to me who will hasn’t had very much life experience - it’s coming though, as you will invariably get older and you have or use a wheelchair yourself or even get knocked over by a car, you will have a differentiation outlook.

The examples of the elderly person and wheelchair user yes, people often do get very upset about pets but it can be hard to relate to if you don’t have them, the rest are not abnormal IMO.

Yes completely concur with you I also feel she seems really depressed & shut down
I think she's a wounded soul, not a deliberately unkind soul
If she didn't care, she wouldn't have bothered posting 😢

She's seeking guidance not attention
She's requesting our views in the hope of improving
We don't even know her true name so it's unjust to suggest it's for attention
&even those whom do seek attention, there's something wrong & they're in need of some help, or they wouldn't seek attention
Cry for help 😢

That’s what I was thinking too, sociopathic tendencies. I wonder if I have that too, I don’t do the things you do but some are similar to things I do. I also don’t suffer fools gladly and have ADHD.

I've got it! You're my next door neighbour aren't you?! She's a selfish biatch. 😒

I agree @HevenlyMeS speaks to me of overwhelm, numbness, disconnect. Possibly depression, she has a baby so could be PND. I hope the OP has support IRL and can get help

You're not a bad person, you're just a bit empathetically inept. It's a survival skill to be selfish.
I actually found this really relatable. I used to feel the same way a lot in my 20s and early 30s very self-absorbed and not naturally kind. My favourite acronym was W.I.I.F
M (what's in it for me) Then life hit me with some tough times and I had to rely on other people’s kindness. That’s when I realized how much it can matter, even if it feels small.
My friend’s nan died recently. In my head I was thinking, “Well, she was in her 90s, you must have expected it.” But instead I made sure to say, “I’m so sorry, if there’s anything I can do, let me know.” I basically “fake” the kindness because I know it’s what’s socially acceptable; and more importantly, I know how much it meant to me when people showed me kindness even though they didn’t have to.
So for me, it’s less about naturally feeling it, and more about practicing it because I’ve learned how powerful it can be.
Try not to race wheelchair users to the bathroom, life change really easily it could be you or someone you live one day.
Hold open a door for an elderly person occasionally.

Pretty is pretty does
people will judge you on your actions if you do the right things the right things will happen
if you keep over analysing you may need emotional support/help have you discussed this with your G.P they can probably refer for a psychiatric evaluation
maybe you can look for a different forum to address your specific situation
l

I agree, I’m particularly worried for the child!